To discuss letters to various things of varying degrees of importance

Dear Amy Adams:

Please enclose a check for $1 to cover the Blockbuster Express fee from renting your movie, "Leap Year."

Considering the horrendous green screen special effects, the plot holes, the ridiculously stereotypical Irish jokes, the lackluster dialogue and the waste of your talents, I think we can agree it's a fair deal.

Thanks,

Andy

Dear America's Next Top Model:

Ann? Really?

Regrets,

Andy

Dear Christmas:

I have agreed to listen to your music this year at the present time, after you force fed it to me for weeks.

But I did not agree to the corresponding increase in parking and traffic volume. It is not acceptable. Please inform holiday shoppers they can buy most of that stuff online for the same price.

Yuletides,

Andy

Dear Harry Potter Deathly Hallows:

Who knew that I'd get shut out of seeing you last Saturday because you were sold out, a week after being released?

But I saw you Monday, and, despite not being a hardcore, wet in the pants Harry Potter-aholic, I still greatly enjoyed you. You do a great job at developing memorable characters, and Alan Rickman is always a delight.

Plus, you randomly had Hermione in a nude scene that I may or may not be too old to enjoy.

See you next time.

Love,

Muggle

Dear Nail That Was in My Tire:

Nails have two purposes: Holding things together, and being strewn about parking lots to be rolled over by tires.

At least I could plug up the hole you created. But you are not getting a Christmas gift from me.

Jerk.

Dear Love And Other Drugs:

I found you to be enjoyable and well-acted. And you put Parkinson's in the public eye.

Anne Hathaway couldn't have been more naked if she had just been born. Good God, y'all. That is a pretty lady.

Wishing it was in 3D,

Andy

Dear Natalie Portman:

I look forward to seeing your new movie, Black Swan, whenever I get the chance.

But if you don't return my calls, it's going to be very hard to continue to fake date you without your knowledge. You are evidently not very good at sexting.

Love,

Your admirer

To discuss a Lump in My ARS co-blog: Our 2009 Resolutions We Promise to Break Any Day Now

I'll let you catch your breath while you recover from the colorful graphic. It's practically USA Today up in this mother.

On the eve of the New Year, I couldn't pass up the chance to list the resolutions I have absolutely no chance of completing successfully. But, rather than simply list my failures like I've done in the past, I joined forces Jedi-style with Katie of She's Lump to make this a more in-depth post. And by in-depth, I mean lots of perverted jokes and references to pop culture. We only make one or two references to child molesters, so I consider it a success.

Today is Part 1- My resolutions are here, and hers is posted on her site... It's more colorful language than usual- I promised Lump I'd curse. She promised not to emasculate me too much.
Tomorrow is Part 2- "2009 Predictions Sure to Come True, Unless They Don't."
Let's get this party started...

Andy's Resolutions:

1. I will keep my apartment neat and tidy so that Capricorn and I aren't forced to frequently stop mid-sentence, look around and say, "We really need to clean today." This should last for a good two to three months, until we become lazy and rationalize that at least it's better than a frat house and there's still a clear path to the bathroom.
K: I think you may need a "Just in Case you need an Excuse to Party" poster and a super soaker (see her resolutions). Dude, I will bring the beer.

2. I will keep up with exercising a few times a week to make my body look good while I'm still young enough to keep my body looking good without the need for crash dieting and Chuck Norris exercise equipment. If I fail at this, I'll limit my moping to no more than three pints of Ben and Jerry's. A night. For a week. I'll also stop trying to run faster and longer on the treadmill than the guy next to me, especially if he is from an African country that ends with a vowel.
K: Instead of running a marathon on the treadmill to keep your body looking good, you could always take Kung Fu like me. I mean, check out my last Kung Fu photo and blog post. One commenter said I look like a SEVEN YEAR OLD. Oh wait, having a seven year old body isn't really considered "looking good" is it? Unless you're Michael Jackson.
ARS: Or a Chinese gymnast.

3. I will not lose my motivation for my career in the fall like I do every year, leading to months of searching online for jobs that require no experience, little time and pay six figures so that I can pursue my interest in professional karaoke singing. Instead, I'll be satisfied with the well-established, successful career I already have, since I have yet to hear back from that Kenyan prince and his offer to have me manage his finances if I just make the first deposit of $5,000 in an offshore account.
K: You probably haven't heard back from this Kenyan Prince because you haven't deposited $5,000 yet. You ever think about that? Do you want to borrow some money? Well, tough shit.
ARS: Not even, say, 10 bucks? I'm so broke right now, I have to take doggie bags home from McDonalds. I'm one traumatic event away from blowing people in a back alley for a Twinkie and some quarters. It's the price you pay... for balloon animals.

4. I will try food I've never tasted, visit a city I've never heard of, watch a reality show I've never seen, and talk to a person I've never met. When that leads to me vomiting, getting lost, losing IQ points and getting abducted and featured on Dateline, I'll blog about it and pretend I intended for all that to happen for the greater good of comedy.
K: You know, that would be hilarious. Give me a shout out on Dateline, will ya?
ARS: Weren't you already on there? I thought I saw you in some dude's kitchen during that To Catch a Predator series.

5. I will not go to Banana Republic. I will not go to Banana Republic. I will not go to Banana Republic. (If I keep repeating it, I think it may come true... wait a second... if that's the case...) I will convince Natalie Portman and Capricorn to make out. I will convince Natalie Portman and Capricorn to make out....
K: OK, not going to Banana Republic is a piece of cake, Andy. I want to see you not spend any money on Banana Republic garb. And every night I will say a little prayer for you in hopes that will help Natalie Portman and Capricorn to get it on. Hey, what are friends for?
ARS: $10 loans. Now where's my money?
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Don't forget to come back tomorrow (after you take an Advil for that hangover) to read our "2009 Predictions Sure to Come True, Unless They Don't"

To discuss a breakdown of holiday classics and a dead John Ritter reference

As mentioned, the new poll is up. You've made (or are making) your selections for your favorite holiday movie. But perhaps you're on the fence and need a gentle push.
Let me be of assistance:

• White Christmas: If you don't enjoy the music from this Bing Crosby classic, you probably hate kittens. My favorite song from this movie, actually, is "The Best Things Happen While Your Dancing."... I watched this movie on VHS as a kid at my grandparents house, all year long... because they didn't have cable and the only other option was "What About Bob," and you can only watch that movie so many times before thinking, "What About Me?!?!"
  
• It's a Wonderful Life: The "angel gets its wings part" is crap-- angels get their wings by drinking Red Bull-- but it's hard to resist this small town tale of George Bailey pleading with God for a government bailout of his banking crisis, only to find out he's 73 years and a Bush administration too early.
• A Christmas Story: My mom refuses to watch this movie because she thinks Ralphie actually gets his eye shot out... which would be AWESOME. Also, I love the pink bunny outfit and the terrifying Santa. And, if any of you are still searching for a gift for me, please buy me a leg lamp. With the rest of Natalie Portman attached.
  
• Muppet Christmas Carol: Michael Caine delivers here, plain and simple. And the Penguin Christmas Skating Party? Are you kidding me? Do the good times ever stop?
• National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation: Not a month goes by without my family quoting this Chevy Chase movie. It made me want to enroll in the Jelly of the Month club. And buy my own backyard swimming pool. And visit a mall to have a girl named Mary explain to me why there is a lingerie kiosk in the middle of the mall.
  
• Just Friends: Ryan Reynolds sings "I Swear" in a fat suit. Anna Faris does her "If Britney had gone just a little more overboard and done more blow, here's how she would have acted if her manager forced her to spend Christmas in New Jersey." And the chick from "Airplane" is the mom.
• The Santa Clause: This would be the perfect Christmas movie if it wasn't for that annoying kid. I wanted to punch him in his groin the entire movie for his precocious acting, but that's against child welfare laws. He'll get his. Oh, he'll get his.
• The Family Stone: Family dysfunction, intertwining relationships, Claire Danes being hot, Diane Keaton with her amazing "This is my Diane Keaton acting class, watch out younger acting bitches, I was in that famous Woody Allen film" acting, Sarah Jessica Parker not being totally annoying, and Claire Danes being hot in a movie with Rachel McAdams being hot. Not that either is hotter than Capricorn, mind you.* She's hotter. And she never kissed Jared Leto.
  
• Elf: For the "Baby It's Cold Outside" scene.
• Bad Santa: Dead John Ritter: "Did one of you, um, fornicate?" Drunk Billy Bob Thornton: "Fornicate?" Ritter: "Yes, with a heavy-set woman in the big and tall dressing room." Thornton: "Look, I’ve boned a lot of fat chicks in my time sure, but uh, as far as I’ve recalled I’ve never fornicated anybody."
• Love Actually: In the early going, this movie is taking the lead in the poll. Who knew it had such strong holiday pull? It does have that British charm to it, though. And I do love intertwining stories. Eh, why not? Love Actually, you're a modern holiday classic.
  
• Die Hard: Not your typical holiday fare, but it is set during Christmas, and Carl Winslow is in it, and there's lots of bad German accents and Bruce Willis kicking ass and taking names. Ashton Kutcher must have loved this movie when he was a kid. "Hey, one day I'm going to be the step-dad to this guy's kids. And bang his ex-wife."
  
• Miracle on 34th Street: I'm including this because it's a classic, not necessarily because I agree with its inclusion. How the Grinch Stole Christmas could have just as easily taken this spot, but the Jim Carrey remake left a sour taste in my mouth about all things Grinch. It tastes like Roast Beast.
  

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If you like movie posts, I've got a special co-post with Joshlos in the works that will be our holiday gift to you. What's that you hear? It's a heavenly host of angels pre-gaming.
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* It's our three-month anniversary today. She's tolerated me for three whole months. One of these days, she'll catch on that underneath my amazing physique and stunning good looks, I'm really just a geek who blogs about his dog and his fetish with 90's pop culture. Until then, I intend to make out with her as much as possible. And tell her "I love you" every day.**
** If you could all do me a favor, don't tell her I want a Natalie Portman leg lamp. That will be our Santa Secret, OK?