To discuss live Tweeting trick-or-treat 2009

Last year, I decided to chronicle my first time handing out candy at Halloween as an adult. I've since moved to a new complex, so why not go for round two of live Tweeting? Here's the recap of my Tweets, or Twits, or Tweeters, or whatever made-up name old Twitter updates are called. Twats?

1. Another Halloween, another year of live Tweeting trick-or-treat. Might be short-lived: it's raining. I should prob. be at a party somewhere.
2. First failed idea of the night: Capricorn nixed my idea to put a Megan's Law warning sign outside our door, to see which kids are hardcore
3. When I was a kid, I went trick-or-treating no matter what, even when it snowed. I even went when I was 16 and I drove house to house.
4. @clevertia I figure if a kid wants candy bad enough to risk being molested, he can have the whole bowl. And a lifetime of nightmares.
5. First trick-or-treaters: Transformer and a Spanish dancer of some sort. I didn't tell the Transformer his movies are overrated. He was 5.
6. Some people just drove slowly past my front door and laughed. Wonder if it was the rotting pumpkin, or a dude writing on his laptop in the rain?
7. Next group included ninja, bee and a baby lion, with a mom dressed as some sort of slutty 80s dancer. That's a win all around.
8. Just saw a chihuahua with a Mexican poncho. Good thing Bailey didn't see or he would've flipped out I didn't get him one. He can be a diva.
9. Huge group came by, lots of costumes. One boy was dressed as a "kid in sweatshirt in it for the free candy." Very creative.
10. Genius idea: Older kid, not in costume, got candy from me by saying, "Uh, it's for the little girl coming up behind me." I think he was solo.
11. @stateiamin I like the dedication. Why do all of us feel like wimps now? What happened?
12. To spice up the trick-or-treating, I'm reading this http://bit.ly/2u8Qdo @livitluvit post while handing out candy. You should too. (Ed. note: NSFW post)
    
13. Punk kid *peers into my apt* "Did you like just move in?" Me: "Uh... yeah?" Reality: It's been more than a year. Jerk.
14. Clarification: This post http://bit.ly/pV7FZ is by @whatkindofgirl, not @livitluvit, although it's funny I assumed it was livitluvit. (Ed. note: It was linked on her site)
    
15. Would it be bad taste if I wore a mask, put up caution tape and told kids not to get their H1N1 all over my candy?
16. If you are old enough to show cleavage, you might be too old for trick-or-treating. Or you should be at a party making bad decisions.
17. Just got back from trip to Walmart. It was hard to tell w ho was in costume and who was a regular Walmart customer.*

* It was a top-notch night for Wal-mart**. They were really coming out of the woodwork; there very well could have been some qualifying entries for this.

** Capricorn and I had to go so we could buy dog food. Usually, I get a little five pound bag, but Bailey and Leo eat through it faster than Oprah through a corndog. So Capricorn convinced me to buy a 40-pound bag this time. To summarize, I have 40 pounds of food for 12 pounds of dog. We should be set at least until 2012, when John Cusack battles the apocalypse.

To discuss a Weekend Update: Don't Stop Believing in Halloween

I'd say that weekend flew by, but that would be a lie, since, in fact, it took an hour longer than usual.
It certainly was action-packed. After handing out candy on Friday night, I spent Saturday and Sunday with Capricorn. We had two main goals: buy a winter coat for me-- mine is all torn and worn down-- as well as attend a Halloween party at a brewery.

Before any of that could happen, I found out Saturday morning I was getting some large, unexpected bills, due immediately, that were basically going to be the Xerxes of costs to my 300 Spartans of budgets.

Now, financially, I've done relatively fine since the days of Little Debbie-gate... But this totally screwed me and, coupled with the fact that the interest rate on my credit card just spiked significantly out of nowhere (despite having good credit... in any case, it doesn't matter why, it happened), the minimum payment has now jumped blah blah blah Andy has a lot higher bills now.

This is all noteworthy so you understand why much of the Weekend Update involves a dollar store. You might also want to know that I don't get paid for a week and a half, so this will be like a delicate dance in which I try not to spend any money at all, as my fundraising capabilities are far less than the Obama campaign.
Fortunately, I've got a ton of Halloween candy to eat, and I also learned so much from reading about the Donner Party that I feel I could survive a tough winter living off of family members.#

On a good note, I took some financial steps to address this whole problem, but that's not really stuff for this blog. I do feel that many of you are having tough financial times lately, so let me join your cash-poor bandwagon. Hey, at least gas is cheaper.

On to the Weekend Update, which, as always, is mostly context free:

Things I saw:

• Capricorn and I were in a shoe store in a giant Maryland mall infested with Christmas shoppers. As she perused the selection, I sat on a chair as boyfriends are prone to do in a shoe store. At that point, a skinny 12-year-old girl walked by wearing what can only be described as booty shorts pretending to be underwear. They weren't even long enough to put a word on the butt, like "Juicy" or "Princess" or "Property of My 19-year-old Boyfriend." ... It was awkward to see, so awkward that I shook my head along with a woman on the other end of the aisle. That girl isn't even old enough yet to have boys only pay attention to her for her body. I wanted to buy her pants and dignity.
• Wedding decorations at the Dollar General. They have an array of items, including a garter belt and table decorations. Capricorn flatly refused to have a Dollar General wedding, even if the whole ordeal could be done for $13.
• Dudes putting on dresses. Bube's Brewery was the site of the Halloween party that I went to with Capricorn and my Brother. I dressed as the Christmas Shopping Season Starting in July, Brother dressed as a farmer, and Capricorn, well, she originally was going to be a scary vampire-ish character but we soon decided she looked like a street walker. To be more family-oriented, we told people she was a Lady of the Night. To protect myself, I'm not including her half of the photo in case she's not a fan of me publicly posting an image of her looking like a contestant on "Paris Hilton's New BFF".... She did look hot, though. Anyway, we went to this labryinth-esque brewery with tons of rooms, each with different themes. On the top floor, there were old-style hotel rooms with dim lighting. It was a Halloween costume party, but still, it was off-putting seeing grown men calmly put on dresses in the rooms with the doors wide open. I need to go back another night to see if this is a regular feature.
  

Things I heard:

• In Dollar General, "Don't Stop Believing" blared over the speakers. Since I'm buying groceries at the Dollar General, I think I gotta stop believing, right? I can't hold on to that feeling when I'm holding on to $1 ravioli, can I?
• In a discount store full of random objects: "Michael Row The Boat Ashore." Well, I think it's about time I heard this church classic played in a store. Hallelujah.
  

Things I said:

• Capricorn: "They have a lot of candy in here" at the Dollar General.

Me: "Yeah, because people without dental insurance really need to be eating more sugar."
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# Do I mean that literally or figuratively? Depends if I get sick of Ramen.
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How was your weekend?

To discuss live Tweeting for Halloween

For the first time since becoming an adult, I'm handing out candy on Halloween. Last year, after I forgot to buy candy, I had to shut out my lights and hide like Anne Frank while people pounded on my door.
Here's hoping for better results this year...Ongoing updates, via Twitter.

wildarschase So far, one Star Wars jedi, one ladybug
wildarschase For kicks, can I put out one of those child molester posters that says "No candy here"?
wildarschase Now there's a lull. Crap. Did I say that child molester comment out loud?
wildarschase I'm offering KitKats, Take 5s and Reeses Whips (40% less fat, for overweight kids)... I'd say I have a pleasant array
wildarschase Missing ingredient for trick or treating: Kids
wildarschase Next door neighbor and I are considering trick or treating on our own if nobody shows up
wildarschase There's nothing better than seeing grown men dressed in costumes because their wives/girlfriends made them do it
wildarschase Some dude just peeled out in the parking lot. Because it's always smart to burn rubber with little kids walking around in the dark
wildarschase I wish I put as much effort into life as I did into my awesome jack-o-lantern. And I wish I could carve pumpkins professionally.
wildarschase How old were you when you stopped trick-or-treating? I was 16. I drove.
wildarschase Are Sarah Palin and Obama's kids doing this right now? Can Obama's daughter dress up as Sarah Palin? Wouldn't that be perfect?
wildarschase I bought items for my Halloween costume. It's going to be genius, and by genius, I mean $11 at Salvation Army
wildarschase Items included: Red cardigan, stocking, Santa hat, wrapping paper, tie with snowman holding an American flag
wildarschase Items to add before tomorrow night's party: Calendar with July showing
wildarschase I'm also bringing a Target bag... Give up? I'm going as the Christmas shopping season
wildarschase It starts earlier every year, you know
wildarschase Oh, and Sarah Palin is in town today. I hope she comes to get candy from me
wildarschase Even better, I hope she goes door to door campaigning. People won't know if it's her or one of the million women dressing up as her
wildarschase I just saw trick or treaters down the road. Come on over here, kiddies! I've got candy!
wildarschase I literally have kids skipping my place and going to other houses
wildarschase That little kid just grabbed like 4 Kit Kats from me. Doesn't he know we're in a recession?
wildarschase I think that was a ninja... and some kind of 80s pop star, a la Robin Sparkles from How I Met Your Mother
wildarschase That was the first time I ever spoke to the neighbors two doors down from me. They seem surprised to see me. As if I'm a ghost.
wildarschase I'm eating more candy than I am giving out. Also- almost got impaled by fake ghoul sword

wildarschase Alright, it's almost over and I can't feel my fingers.
wildarschase One last set of trick or treaters... I just gave them enough candy for a diabetic coma

To discuss Donner, Party of 1, and Happy Halloween

This week is the anniversary of some part of the Donner Party tragedy. Remember? That family in the 1840s that took the trail west to California, but got stuck in the mountains and had to become cannibals to survive a long winter?
In honor of this frightful event that we have publicly funded parks and memorials dedicated to, and because it's Halloween, I thought I'd try to recapture the magic of those fateful days, as I think it might have gone...Historically accurate? Heck no.

Scene: The Donners- Ma, Pa, Sister, Brother and Cousin Donner- emerge from a trading post with the supplies they will need for a four-month trip from Independence, Missouri to California, where Sister Donner hopes to make it as an actress and Brother Donner has dreams of becoming a dancer- a Flashdance kind of dancer, not an America's Best Dance Crew kind of dancer.
Pa: "Well, we got healthy oxen, plenty of water, an Indian guide, Mapquest directions and I remembered to suspend our newspaper subscription while we're going to ward off burglars.
Ma: "You think of everythohmygod whERE'S KEVIN!!?!?!"
Macaulay Culkin: "I'm right here, looking sweet and innocent in my red sweater. See you guys later."
Ma: "That was close... We almost had Home Alone 4: Lost in Kansas."
Pa: "Enough fooling around. It's time to hit the trail. I set the meal rations button on 'full,' and we've got plenty of bullets to shoot at squirrels in case I get a buffalo quickly. Let's head out."
The Donners set out on their trip, blithely unaware of the perils and immorality that awaits them. Weeks go by, and everything seems normal, except for Cousin getting motion sickness and Sister getting dysentery, which, when you're 9-years-old playing a computer game, sounds a lot cooler than diarrhea. Soon, they hit a river and must decide how to proceed.
Brother: (Excited)"I think we should just dance it out. Everyone, jazz hands!"
Pa: "What is wrong with that boy?...Anyway, we're going to ford this river to avoid paying the Indian guide money."
The group fords the river, but soon only their hats are visible as the river is way too freakin' deep. Most of their oxen and supplies are lost, although Sister's iPod is saved- thank God, that would have been sooo boring without it.
Winter approaches. Desperate to get to California fast, the group consults Mapquest for a shortcut. Mapquest screws up as usual and takes them the wrong way, putting them in the middle of the Sierra Nevada mountain range in the heart of winter...Cousin perished in the latest snowfall, due to his high school foolish desire to wear flip-flops so he could look fashionable, even though it's the middle of winter and he looks like a tool.
Ma: "I haven't felt my toes in weeks, and now we're out of food. What are we going to do, Pa?"
Pa: "I gotta say... and this is going to sound Britney-Spears-shaves-her-head crazy... but Cousin was a good looking dude, right?"
Sister and Brother: (confused) "Uh, sure... why?"
Pa: (sheepishly) "Well, we're all hungry. And I've got this extra barbecue sauce going to waste. And damned if I couldn't eat a horse right now, but, well, we're out of horses. Can we eat Cousin?"
Ma: (glances around nervously) "I'm so glad I wasn't the first to say it. But let's eat that sweet man flesh."
And so the great Donner Party feast begins, with many comments on how Cousin tastes like chicken.... but soon, Cousin is all gone... the days get colder... Brother dies... He gets eaten faster than a donut at fat camp... Ma dies... She is almost entirely eaten, save for her skinny butt, since Pa's Anaconda don't want none unless she got buns, hun... And the Indian guide, who had hoped to make it to the West Coast to open up a novelty shop selling authentic Native American trinkets to tourists, didn't technically die on his own. Pa kinda killed him.
Anyway, it's down to Sister and Pa.
Sister: "Pa, why are you looking at me like that? I feel like I'm the moose and you're Sarah Palin hanging out of a helicopter."
Pa: (Ravished with hunger like Nichole Richie on a Wednesday... Or any day, really) "One of us has to go..."
Sister: "But isn't there a token black guy in this scene who dies off before the main characters?"
Gary Coleman: "Damn!"

And... scene.

Happy Halloween...