To discuss a (photo) Weekend Update: IKEA is Swedish for Awesome

Here's a visually-pleasing, Samsung Glyde-taken, Weekend Update. Mostly, it's an IKEA update. Capricorn had never been to an IKEA before Saturday, which in some circles is like saying you've never listened to The Beatles, seen Casablanca, or eaten a Wendy's Frosty.* How can you not have seen the wonders of an Apskar (wash basin), a Toftbo (bathroom mat), or a Hoinacloset (a Ho in a closet)?
I told her stories of model rooms, unpronouncable dinnerware, and items you never knew you wanted until they were too freaking cheap to pass up. She salivated like a Backstreet Boy watching TRL re-runs.
So here's an overview of what we saw at a Baltimore IKEA, that, considering the amount of shoppers, would be the clearest indication yet that this whole recession business is hog wash.**

My goal in life, other than taking a bath in chocolate, is to have a room modeled item for item after an IKEA room. I would label things with their Swedish name to give it authenticity, while drinking wine coolers and reading art magazines. Or at least that's how I envision life in an IKEA room. This was the first "IKEA room" Capricorn had ever seen, and she couldn't believe they set it up like that right in the store. What I can't believe is that Barney from "How I Met Your Mother" hasn't tried to pick up women yet in a model bedroom. It's genius.

If I was on MTV Cribs, I'd say "This is where the magic happens." I'd also have a painting of myself in the hallway, and three ladies drinking cosmos poolside.

This was hanging in the closet of a model bathroom. It's some sort of bunny outfit, for the kiddies or for those adults looking to lure kiddies into the bedroom section. To say I got strange looks when I tried it on is to say that "Slumdog Millionaire" had mild success at the Oscars***.

I'm not sure if the IKEA mirror makes my butt look big. Is it vain to check yourself out in the mirror section? I say no.

Capricorn: "Yeah, that's not big enough to hold my clothes." Me: "Good Lord. You need more than $670 worth of storage?"

I got excited to look at the array of knives, for some reason. "Look at all these knives!" I exclaimed, as an older woman nearby looked alarmed, then, relaxed as she said, "Oh, that's a good sharp one. I have it at home." Subliminally, I think she just copped to murder.

"Looks a lot like a carbon structure," Capricorn said. Who wants to sleep on the C average they got in 10th grade chemistry?

Then, we went to Target. Sales must be slow, or maybe this is a new strategy in which customers just imagine what items they want for sale.
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* One of these things is not like the other.
** But if Obama wants to hand me free money, I won't protest. Future generations of taxpayers will, but I won't. I don't want to be rude.
*** My running Oscar commentary is coming up later today, for those who haven't already shunned me for Twittering throughout the show.
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For those on my actual site and not lurking in Google reader, you might notice a few redesign things meant to declutter and reduce load time (navigation bar, moving awards to a different page, etc). Or you might not notice it and think I'm crazy.

To discuss making Capricorn uber-legal to date

I haven't mentioned the lovely Capricorn much lately, but that's because I'm trying to avoid being one of "those" guys. Quick note: Capricorn is not her real name- I have disappointed several people so far by telling them this fact about my girlfriend.

But I did think you'd all enjoy this photo montage, chronicling a morning of shenanigans at the Motor Vehicle Administration in Maryland (or, what we in PA call the DMV), plus a trip to Target.
It also lets me do this in advance, since I'm still in St. Louis listening to "Country Grammar." Shimmy shimmy cocoa what to you, Nelly.... So this is a way to keep the posts coming...

Capricorn has had a problem for months trying to get the Social Security Administration to get her birth year correct, so that her driver's license doesn't list her as three years younger than she actually is...Earlier last week, they finally corrected it, which means she could get her license corrected and stop posing as an 18-year-old.

We started the day at 9 a.m. at the MVA. Capricorn dressed up for the occasion, which we dubbed the second 21st birthday of the year for her- on her first 21st birthday, she couldn't go out to bars because her ID was wrong. No, there will be no tales of drinking for this 21st birthday-- as if you don't have enough drinking stories on your own-- but nevertheless, she was very excited.... We get in line, which, when dealing with a government office, could mean the end of your life...And then Cuts McCutteron, pictured above, decides to just waltz by everyone and move to the front, showing little remorse. I could only hope they revoked his license for being old.

Next, Capricorn had to talk to the MVA official, as I waited in the nearby seating area. It was fairly empty, as far as MVAs go, but there were still some gems: A boy, I'd say about 13-years-old, taking his learner's permit test...An elderly woman, I'd say 246-years-old, renewing her license, which when she first got it was called a "Stagecoach Permit"... And, as Capricorn signed paperwork, pictured below, I listened to the woman in the next cubicle do a horrific job on her vision test. How do I know this? Because the MVA official had a look of disgust and horror on her face as the woman spouted off letters and symbols like a dyslexic illiterate (I did have something else inserted here, but my Australian readers said I likely have offended an entire nation- so I apologize).... Oh, and she got her license, too. Excellent.
Capricorn was the most excited I've ever seen her when she finally got her corrected license, which will now allow her to get into bars (even though she's not a big drinker) and will let her boyfriend feel more comfortable that he's not dating a teenager. He thinks.

Next, we took a trip to Target. Because, hey, it's Target... It also led to this:














Our children will be beautiful.

Not to be outdone, Target holiday-ed the crap out of their store, putting scores of Halloween decorations out, right next to this:

Merry Christmas to all, and to all, a Happy Thanksgiving.