To discuss a Weekend Update: Visually speaking, it's the king

Do you remember all that social media training I had last week? It's time to show off what I learned.

Here, in a new format (special for this week), is the Weekend Update, highlighting the trip I took with Capricorn to King of Prussia, Pa., site of the largest mall in the country.
Let me know if you like the format (it takes a second to adjust to it), which is from Vuvox. If you hate it, I'll make sure someone is fired on my production staff.
Use your cursor to adjust the speed, and click on all the glowing thingies. They're magical, and contain all the witty banter.



Here's the link to the collage if you have problems viewing it.

To discuss a Weekend Update: Free food and a bathroom fiesta

Sure, it's a day late. But this is a good Weekend Update, so good that this is Part I, and a photo Part II will come later. Happy St. Patrick's Day to those of you who claim to be Irish to get kissed and have a convenient alcoholism excuse.

Capricorn treated me to a meal out on the town on Saturday. Actually, she never paid for anything. We went to an Arby's last month and they messed up her order, so the very large manager (Do they make slim fast food managers? Is the hiring process use reverse weight discrimination?) was apologetic and gave us a coupon for two free dinners.
We redeemed it Saturday, and got dessert so that we wouldn't feel cheap. Except, they decided to give us that for free, too. A $17 Arby's meal, on the house. The effects of the recession have yet to hit the savory roast beef king. And everything tastes better when it's free, so I truly enjoyed my Chicken Bacon and Swiss.
To make it feel like a true date night, we went to the outlet mall next door so we could window shop (I'm writing about my appreciation of a free Arby's meal. What kind of shopping do you think I'm doing?). It's fun, but I get a little weary of sales clerks asking if they can help me find anything when I'm staring at the only rack of men's clothing in the entire clothing store. Little do they know, I'm headed straight for the clearance rack anyway to find last season's mistakes.

Now it's funny story time:
I needed to use the bathroom, so while Capricorn went to another store, I walked down a long, creepy, outdoor corridor with less lighting than a Wes Craven movie.
I have a dislike for using the bathroom in public- not for the sanitation but just because it's awkward. I figured this place would have a big bathroom with lots of stalls to at least create a buffer. Nope. I've seen bigger bathrooms at the gas station, sans the scrawled messages for me to call 555-8494 for a good time.*
I get inside a stall, and the bathroom entry door opens. A young boy calls out, "Papa? Papa?"
".... Um..."
"Papa? Are you there, Papa?"
(Pants around my ankles) "Uh, no Papa."
(Door closes.)
(Door opens. A man ((I hope)) walks to urinal)
I hear the urinal flush. I hear him unzip. I hear the urinal flush again. I hear the urinal flush AGAIN. I am now worried his urethra is unleashing a fury of golden showers the porcelain gods cannot consume. I hear him zip up and then the urinal is flushed a fourth time. I hear the door close. Missing in this water transmission- the sound of the sink and a man with a healthy kidney washing his cesspool hands.
I quickly and finally use the bathroom, but before I'm ready to leave the stall, the main door opens again (mind you, it is late at night and, unless there was a red light and a Girls! Girls! Girls! sign flickering outside, there is no reason for this many dudes coming in so frequently).
I hear walking in what I presume to be all the boys in the Mexican version of "Jon and Kate Plus 8" (Or Juan y Casta Más Ocho). There's a furiously fast Spanish conversation going on around my stall. I say furiously fast because I don't think I've ever heard a slow Spanish conversation.
The boys, I think, are taking turns using the urinal and either talking about sports or their love for flushing urinals. It's unclear.
They leave.
I finally pull up my pants.
I should have just held it. I should have just held it.

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* Oh, speaking of that, tell your mom I said hi.**
** Man, I haven't done a your mom joke in a long time.***
*** But I have done your mom recently.****
**** Heyyyooo!

To discuss a (photo) Weekend Update: IKEA is Swedish for Awesome

Here's a visually-pleasing, Samsung Glyde-taken, Weekend Update. Mostly, it's an IKEA update. Capricorn had never been to an IKEA before Saturday, which in some circles is like saying you've never listened to The Beatles, seen Casablanca, or eaten a Wendy's Frosty.* How can you not have seen the wonders of an Apskar (wash basin), a Toftbo (bathroom mat), or a Hoinacloset (a Ho in a closet)?
I told her stories of model rooms, unpronouncable dinnerware, and items you never knew you wanted until they were too freaking cheap to pass up. She salivated like a Backstreet Boy watching TRL re-runs.
So here's an overview of what we saw at a Baltimore IKEA, that, considering the amount of shoppers, would be the clearest indication yet that this whole recession business is hog wash.**

My goal in life, other than taking a bath in chocolate, is to have a room modeled item for item after an IKEA room. I would label things with their Swedish name to give it authenticity, while drinking wine coolers and reading art magazines. Or at least that's how I envision life in an IKEA room. This was the first "IKEA room" Capricorn had ever seen, and she couldn't believe they set it up like that right in the store. What I can't believe is that Barney from "How I Met Your Mother" hasn't tried to pick up women yet in a model bedroom. It's genius.

If I was on MTV Cribs, I'd say "This is where the magic happens." I'd also have a painting of myself in the hallway, and three ladies drinking cosmos poolside.

This was hanging in the closet of a model bathroom. It's some sort of bunny outfit, for the kiddies or for those adults looking to lure kiddies into the bedroom section. To say I got strange looks when I tried it on is to say that "Slumdog Millionaire" had mild success at the Oscars***.

I'm not sure if the IKEA mirror makes my butt look big. Is it vain to check yourself out in the mirror section? I say no.

Capricorn: "Yeah, that's not big enough to hold my clothes." Me: "Good Lord. You need more than $670 worth of storage?"

I got excited to look at the array of knives, for some reason. "Look at all these knives!" I exclaimed, as an older woman nearby looked alarmed, then, relaxed as she said, "Oh, that's a good sharp one. I have it at home." Subliminally, I think she just copped to murder.

"Looks a lot like a carbon structure," Capricorn said. Who wants to sleep on the C average they got in 10th grade chemistry?

Then, we went to Target. Sales must be slow, or maybe this is a new strategy in which customers just imagine what items they want for sale.
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* One of these things is not like the other.
** But if Obama wants to hand me free money, I won't protest. Future generations of taxpayers will, but I won't. I don't want to be rude.
*** My running Oscar commentary is coming up later today, for those who haven't already shunned me for Twittering throughout the show.
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For those on my actual site and not lurking in Google reader, you might notice a few redesign things meant to declutter and reduce load time (navigation bar, moving awards to a different page, etc). Or you might not notice it and think I'm crazy.

To discuss a Weekend Update with some Thanksgiving references thrown in

Thanksgiving/Weekend Update:

What, you're tired of reading everyone's Thanksgiving stories? What, you're not American and you could care less about our holiday celebrating people not dying after the winter? What, you could care less about my life's recent events?
Well...
...
... all legitimate points. But read this anyway, alright? I'll keep the turkey references to a minimal. No, I did not watch the Westminster Dog Show, break the turkey wish bone, or make poor, alcohol-influenced decisions likely leading to court dates or Googling "STD treatments" (all Thanksgiving traditions many others enjoy).

As with the Weekend Updates, this Thanksgiving/Weekend Update will be mostly context-free:

Things I saw:

• "Role Models": The movie itself was funny and made me want to find a medieval festival and touch everyone's whispering eye with my sword (watch the movie). Even better, there was a Marvin Hamlisch reference, and you know how much I love Marvin.
  
• The need to check IDs for an R-movie: Capricorn and I were the only patrons above the age of 20 in the theater. When we first walked in, there was a group of tweens gossiping, with one, lonely dude standing there, likely the hapless boyfriend of one of the girls. That's the life of a middle school boyfriend. You're there for show, for purse-holding and the hope of copping an unsolicited feel.
• "That was funny!": As we watched the movie, the girl with an obnoxious laugh behind us was so kind as to point out to her friends when something was funny. Good thing, too, because I don't have a funny bone in my body and wouldn't have known anything was funny.

Things I tasted:

• Two Thanksgiving meals within a three-hour period: First at Capricorn's, then with my family. It was a late lunch and an early dinner. I felt like Violet Beauregarde by the end.
• Muddy Buddies: There might not be anything in the world I enjoy more than the powdered sugar-covered, chocolate and peanut butter smothered, Chex-based Muddy Buddies. Thanks, Capricorn's mom.
  

Things I read:

• The latest Cosmo. Another "Things I Learned from Cosmo" post is coming up. This month includes "Your Orgasm Face." So now girls have to worry about how their face looks, on top of everything else? Can't everyone just be satisfied they are naked in the first place?
  

Things I did:

• Strolled around a fabric store pretending I know what Stitch Witchery is: My mom, after hearing that my apartment complex is having a holiday door decorating contest, went balls to the proverbial wall and helped me design an elaborate fabric door hanging that she is sewing together. While she did that, my dad and I watched White Christmas, Home Alone and National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. (The Loungewear sign was in the fabrics store. Why do little kids need bathrobes? Are pajamas with footies not impressing the young ladies after a romantic, rose-petaled soak in the tub?)
  
• Went holiday shopping... on Saturday: I worked on Black Friday, so I bought a few things Saturday night when the crowds were down and I didn't have to worry about being trampled like the Running of the Bulls. Did you go Black Friday shopping? Do they have a similar shopping-frenzy day in other countries?
  

Things I noticed:

• A mother buying cigarettes while holding her baby. Pet Peeve No. 1: Smoking around babies. Pet peeve No. 2: Pulp in orange juice. Yours?
  

Today's the last day to vote in my Top Young 90's TV couples poll. It's a tight race, so every vote counts...