To discuss a two-part Weekend Update: Part II

This is the second part of an extended Weekend Update. Check here for Part I.

• I've had more musical practices for "Sound of Music." Even in a musical, it's ridiculous having children singing all about "jam and bread." That sounds straight out of "Barney" or "The Elephant Show."*
  
• My director wants me to grow a mustache for my role as Max. I did not inquire if he wants the mustache to have handlebars, entice children, lead to porn star roles or give me an upperhand on any possible Magnum P.I. movies. To reduce Capricorn's embarrassment level and to prevent myself from getting mistaken for a Megan's Law offender, I'm growing a goatee and will shave the bottom half right before the show. That still gives me several days with only a mustache (yes, there will be photos), but I plan on singing on command for anyone who is dubious of my explanation.
  
• It's a shame Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin 'stache.
• Capricorn has started moving things in, and has an entire wall-length closet to herself. It is my hope she doesn't soon decide that's not enough space and force me to remove the clothes from my closet and store them outside. We're looking at 50/50 odds.
• Capricorn and I hit the eight month mark on Saturday. We're firmly entrenched in the "too many months to make it worth noticing, not enough months to make it worth celebrating." We're in relationship purgatory. I imagine this is how Catholics celebrate most anniversaries, except with an added dose of guilt.
• In a family outing of sorts, my brother, sister and her boyfriend, Capricorn and I went out to lunch Sunday, then to my brother's new place to play Wii. We all had little to no experience Wii-ing, so it was more a comedy of errors. I recommend Wii Play and its Duck Hunt mini-game, although the updated version of this classic has far fewer ducks and now includes beer cans to shoot at.... There was also a racial profiling mini-game, where you are supposed to pick out people in a group who look alike, a game I'm sure is used to train airport security. To hit the red state trifecta, there was also a mini-game where you ride a cow, as Nintendo evidently missed the memo that you are supposed to save the horse by riding a cowboy.*
• We took a group trip to IKEA. At the mere mention of my IKEA visit to neighbors and to Facebook friends, I got "I'm jealous" reactions, which makes me wonder if having a job at IKEA is akin to retail utopia.
• If IKEA bought Ford and Chevy, I think we might just pull Detroit out of its funk, although United Auto Workers would suffer massive layoffs. "Sweet ride, dude. The Chevy IMMPÄLLA is a real smooth ride... and can be assembled in 8 simply steps with just a screwdriver!"**
• I fulfilled my promise to Capricorn by going to the doctor to get a check-up (haven't had one in years) and to see about my headaches. The doctor enters the room...Doctor: "So... you're here for a check-up?" Me: "Yep." Doctor: "I don't get a lot of 26-year-olds coming in for check-ups. You really want a check-up?" Me (now worried I did something wrong): "Um, yep." Doctor: "You sure that's what you need?" Me: (He knows about the meth! He knows about the meth!) "Yeah, that's what I want." ... Eventually I told him about the headaches and whatnot and everything was fine. I do have to go in for some bloodwork, which I hope will be done by Olivia Wilde.***

* Skinamarinkydinkydink is street for "I'd hit it." Don't let Bram fool you. He wasn't singing that to Sharon and Lois for nothing.
* That would be a top-selling Wii game. You'd buy it. Be honest.
*** It can be picked up in Aisle 33, Bin 3. Right next to the Ford EXPPLLÖRERD.
**** Just kidding Capricorn. I'd settle for Katherine Heigl.*****
***** But not the Heigl whose character has sex with dead people and has brain cancer. First season Heigl.

Bonus for IKEA fanatics: Visit this site. Thank me later.

To discuss a (photo) Weekend Update: IKEA is Swedish for Awesome

Here's a visually-pleasing, Samsung Glyde-taken, Weekend Update. Mostly, it's an IKEA update. Capricorn had never been to an IKEA before Saturday, which in some circles is like saying you've never listened to The Beatles, seen Casablanca, or eaten a Wendy's Frosty.* How can you not have seen the wonders of an Apskar (wash basin), a Toftbo (bathroom mat), or a Hoinacloset (a Ho in a closet)?
I told her stories of model rooms, unpronouncable dinnerware, and items you never knew you wanted until they were too freaking cheap to pass up. She salivated like a Backstreet Boy watching TRL re-runs.
So here's an overview of what we saw at a Baltimore IKEA, that, considering the amount of shoppers, would be the clearest indication yet that this whole recession business is hog wash.**

My goal in life, other than taking a bath in chocolate, is to have a room modeled item for item after an IKEA room. I would label things with their Swedish name to give it authenticity, while drinking wine coolers and reading art magazines. Or at least that's how I envision life in an IKEA room. This was the first "IKEA room" Capricorn had ever seen, and she couldn't believe they set it up like that right in the store. What I can't believe is that Barney from "How I Met Your Mother" hasn't tried to pick up women yet in a model bedroom. It's genius.

If I was on MTV Cribs, I'd say "This is where the magic happens." I'd also have a painting of myself in the hallway, and three ladies drinking cosmos poolside.

This was hanging in the closet of a model bathroom. It's some sort of bunny outfit, for the kiddies or for those adults looking to lure kiddies into the bedroom section. To say I got strange looks when I tried it on is to say that "Slumdog Millionaire" had mild success at the Oscars***.

I'm not sure if the IKEA mirror makes my butt look big. Is it vain to check yourself out in the mirror section? I say no.

Capricorn: "Yeah, that's not big enough to hold my clothes." Me: "Good Lord. You need more than $670 worth of storage?"

I got excited to look at the array of knives, for some reason. "Look at all these knives!" I exclaimed, as an older woman nearby looked alarmed, then, relaxed as she said, "Oh, that's a good sharp one. I have it at home." Subliminally, I think she just copped to murder.

"Looks a lot like a carbon structure," Capricorn said. Who wants to sleep on the C average they got in 10th grade chemistry?

Then, we went to Target. Sales must be slow, or maybe this is a new strategy in which customers just imagine what items they want for sale.
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* One of these things is not like the other.
** But if Obama wants to hand me free money, I won't protest. Future generations of taxpayers will, but I won't. I don't want to be rude.
*** My running Oscar commentary is coming up later today, for those who haven't already shunned me for Twittering throughout the show.
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