To discuss a Weekend Update: Goodwill is a modern bucco's booty

Today's my first day back at work after a week off. So, technically, my weekend update should be covering nine days.
Let me quickly recap the first eight days:
Sleep in. Work on blog stuff. Eat. Watch a re-run of (fill in an HGTV/TLC home improvement show). Eat. Walk the dogs. Eat. Work on blog stuff. Assassinate world leaders. Work out with Capricorn. The uze.

Yesterday, to cap off the vacation I went to Capricorn's parent's house for dinner, as we do most Sundays. Before the meal, Capricorn, Caprimom and I went to Goodwill in search of an ottoman, clothes and Long John Silver's buried treasure. Since Goodwill is neither underwater or a pirate ship, we relented and settled for the first two.

While I discovered two ties (for just $4-- take that, Express Men), I also found a treasure no pirate could claim: Goodwill's assortment of WTH? donated items. And so, here's a visual Weekend Update, Goodwill edition. Click on images to enlarge.

In retrospect, this book is to poor example of literature what the song "Crazy" was to ironic portent of things to come for Britney.

"I'm Titanic. Oooooh, I won 11 Oscars. I'm all dramatic and three hours long and always on TNT and have Kate Winslet's now well-exposed boobs and Leo DiCaprios' boyish charm"....Well, Titanic, looks like your VHS collector's sets aren't a hot item at Goodwill. So suck it. P.S. I'm totally watching you next time you're on cable.

Creepy.

Creepier.

Creepiest. I see murder in those eyes. And vengeance. Yours for $2.85!

Two things. One, someone felt the need to make a shirt about all the great things about cats. Two, you just clicked on the image, because just had to know all the things in life this person learned from their cat. I ask you, who is worse off?

Rejected subtitle:
Model Railroading: We both know the only thing getting laid around here are tracks.

Twenty bucks says '80s singer Melba Moore regrets this rainbow craptastic album cover till the day she dies. You'd never guess what she looks like now.

This is supposed to be a 100 piece puzzle. Something tells me if they made an updated Olsen twin puzzle, they'd only need about 65 pieces- 60 for the now wafe-like bodies and 5 pieces for a caption that reads: "For just 10 cents a day, you can help support an Olsen.'

Confession time... I used to own a copy of this CD. And kinda loved it. They also had copies of Backstreet Boys' "Millenium" and *NSYNC's debut album. Show Me the Meaning of being sold for 99 cents!

To discuss a TV Play-by-Play: Top Model's got the Eye of the Tiger

Do you think a little audition pandemonium would slow down Top Model? Of course not! Here's the TV play-by-play of Episode 3; for last week's recap, go here.

Aminat- The Hair... Fo- Fomula... Allison- Dracula... Tahlia- Earl Grey... Celia- Model T... Kortnie- Cheesecake... Isabella- Carpe Diem... London- London the Baptist... Sandra- Marathon... Teyona- Cruise...Natalie- TBA ... Nijah- Cucamonga.

Eliminated: Carpe Diem (Ep. 1), Sea Cow (Ep. 2).

:03 Cucamonga wants the judges to see her personality after being compared to a "beautiful corpse" in last week's photo shoot. That fact is not the important thing here. What's important is that Cucamonga is the first girl highlighted this episode. That usually means she's getting kicked off.

:07 At what point did Miss J, runway trainer extraordinaire, decide, "You know, I really am not into being a dude. Let's see where some lip stick and a fierce walk gets me."
:08 Miss J wants to teach the girls how to do a smooth, elegant runway walk. To accomplish this, he has all the models change into khaki pants and cardigans. If that doesn't get them in the mood to be a high-fashion runway model, then what will?
:09 Where did these girls learn to walk? Cheesecake's walk reminds me of arthritis, and Dracula's either had no training or is auditioning for a maxi pad commercial.
:11 Bianca and Chantal (Season 9) stop in to show the girls how to walk toward each other on the runway without colliding. Should I be worried there needs to be lesson about not slamming into each other?
:12 Training is over, and the girls decided to play Truth or Dare. I'd dare them to all talk like Tyra to Tyra's face (The key is to randomly sing words, over-enunciate during dramatic moments and demand attention), but I'm afraid Tyra would eat their first born.

:13 Earl Grey doesn't like that TBA told her she had one of the worst photos last week. So far this episode, Tyra has chosen multiple clips to anoint TBA as the bitch of the house. This must mean Marathon, who was the agitator in recent weeks, was boring, so they had to spice it up some by forcing a character flaw. It's like when you're in a relationship that's getting stale, so you start picking on your parner's flaws just to irritate them.
:21 If you really wanted to spice things up, Tyra, then you'd stop having the editor-in-chief of "Seventeen" work with the girls in advance of the winner getting a photo spread in the magazine. You'd use the editor-in-chief of Playboy. Think of the ratings! The series could be renamed "Models Next Door."
:22 TBA twirls on the runway, which nearly gives Miss J a heart attack. I think Miss J is PMSing this week.
:23 Dracula naturally has the wide-eyed, bushy tailed look. And on the runway, she's terrified and has the deer caught in headlights look. Combine those looks, and her eyes completely overtake her face. It makes me want to sing "Eye of the Tiger."
:25 Miss J tells Earl Grey her walk looked like she had no confidence, and that Cucamonga is pretty but has a bad walk. This is clearly setting up a Cucamonga versus Earl Grey bottom two at the end of the episode. There's more obvious foreshadowing on Top Model than on Groundhog's Day. Tyra will say something like this: "Who's it going to be? The girl with the great look and personality who has trouble putting it together as a model (Cucamonga), or the girl who takes a good photo but has lost her confidence (Earl Grey)?" Related note: I've seen way too much Top Model. Please help me.
:26 TBA wins the runway walk challenge, despite twirling. This will make the girls hate her more, or at least it will appear that way thanks to clever editing and music selections.
:37 ... Oh, is Top Model still on? I'm sorry. That was one of the most boring, uneventful photo shoots they've had. The girls acted out different New York City cliches (socialites, tourists, strung-out bums urinating in the street, et al). Earl Grey did the best, according to photo director Jay Manuel. TBA, who was in the group shot with Earl Grey, says she's happy E.G. did well. Um, er, what a diva! (Is that what I'm supposed to say, Tyra?)
:47 Judging time. Model T is wearing a suit jacket and tie for the umpteenth time. If I was the oldest model on the show, I don't think I'd wear anything that would make me look older. She needs to invest in a Miley Cyrus T-shirt and booty shorts with "Juicy" on the butt.
:49 London the Baptist and Dracula's joint shot was supposed to be about socialites. Judge Paulina Porizkova says Dracula looks like a "drunken Olsen twin"... opposed to an emaciated Olsen twin, a crackhead Olsen twin or a Michelle Tanner Olsen twin. Which brings me to another question: How long did it take you to figure out in the "Full House" credits that Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen were two different girls? Be honest.
:57 OK, I got it half-right. Cucamonga is in the bottom two with... Dracula. Well, that makes sense. You can't get compared to an Olsen twin and not suffer the consequences.
:58 Cucamonga is out. Please read my first entry in this post. I am a Top Model psychic. I plan on showing off these skills at carnivals and state fairs.

Coming up next week: The girls model in front of crossdressers. Only on Top Model would this happen.
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On Real Blogger, I interviewed Jessica (Sea Cow) last week. An interview with Cucamonga is in the works, too, as well as future ex-contestants. That should work as long as the CW never reads my play-by-plays.

To discuss a TV Play by Play: Making the Band 4 Season Finale

It's been a little bit since my last TV Play by Play. I was waiting to be appropriately inspired.

Consider me 'spired.

Making the Band 4 Season Finale....For background, see this post. Basically, it's Diddy's three new groups- Danity Kane, an all-female R&B group/potential strippers; Day 26, an R&B band like Boyz II Men but without the panache or bulky suits; and Donnie Klang, a white R&B singer who has a song called "Dr. Love."

Also, a quick note worth noting: I rapped all of Notorious B.I.G.'s "Big Poppa" for Capricorn on Tuesday. She was impressed, as she should be. Cause I see some ladies tonight that should be having my baby.*

Now back to the Play by Play.

:01 All the groups go on MTV's TRL, which is now hosted by two people who aren't Carson Daly. My fake TV girlfriend/Danity Kane member, Aundrea, appears, making me excited. Except Capricorn, my real girlfriend, thinks Aundrea is ugly. Minus 5 points for Capricorn.
:02 Diddy tells Danity Kane and Day 26 he's sending them on a vacation to Mexico, while Donnie stays behind to promote an album destined to end up in the $5 bin at Target.
:04 The groups arrive at their posh hotel. Aubrey looks like the third Olsen twin, but with actual weight.
:10 Donnie makes his own TRL appearance to hawk "Just a Rolling Stone," which may be a reference to his album giving listeners No Satisfaction. It's a shame, too, cause he's a nice guy. Nice guys don't sell records, though. They host TRL.
:11 Diddy pays thousands of people to be Donnie's fans for the day, or at least that's what I assume happened as Donnie does a music store appearance and teenage girls go crazy. They probably thought Justin Timberlake was showing up.
:12 Back to Mexico. Q, an oft-featured Day 26 member, refuses to swim with the dolphins. I can understand. Dolphins are one step away from being sharks. They also have sex for pleasure, which makes me wonder if they get into the same issues that people have- do dolphins have one night stands? Do they hit it and quit it?
:15 Aubrey appears without her usual pound of make-up. Somewhere, a small child whimpers.
:20 The groups celebrate Robert's 24th birthday by drinking themselves silly. Which reminds me, on my 21st birthday, I was the designated driver. True story.
:30 Aubrey and D Woods, who wears a half-mullett, go on a "Sea Trek," which is kind of like scuba diving. Aubrey wears an ill-fitting bikini for the occasion, perhaps to attract male dolphins to her cleavage. Aubrey, watch out. Dolphins hit it and quit it.
:31 Shannon, who is the lone married member of Danity Kane and who is subsequently never seen on the show because she's not whoring around, has a talk with Aundrea about the future of Danity Kane now that they wrapped up their tour. It's a portent of things to come... Stay tuned.
:40 Back in NYC, Diddy commends Day 26 and Donnie for being so successful. Then he asks them to leave the room so he can talk to Danity Kane alone.
"I'm unsure about the future of the group," Diddy says. Cue dramatic music. At this point, I literally pause the show (Tivo) and gasp as Capricorn rolls her eyes at me.
:41 Diddy reveals that Aundrea actually wanted to leave the group a couple months ago. WTH? She looks shocked he called her on that. She talks her way out of it, blaming it on outside circumstances instead of problems with the group. Now, remember, Aundrea and Aubrey are original members- they've been around an extra season of Making the Band, before Shannon, D Woods and Dawn were added. This would be like Paul McCartney leaving the Beatles. Except not nearly as dramatic or impactful or newsworthy.
:47 Diddy then calls out Aubrey for always being unsatisfied with the group. Aubrey blames it on the Olsen twins. And on management not believing in them. Diddy also says he notices Aubrey and Aundrea, former BFFs, don't talk anymore. Good point Diddy. I wondered about that.
:50 Dawn throws it out there: The group doesn't get along, and they basically just stick together for the music. My jaw has been down for 9 minutes in a row.
:56 D Woods agrees that there (Ed. Note: I used the wrong "their" originally, despite knowing grammar rules. Thanks Logarithmic for pointing out my flaws.) are cliques in the group. This is turning out to be an after school special. Love. It.
:57 Diddy gives Shannon two sentences to speak her mind, then cuts her off. She's the married one, remember?
:59 Aubrey said she feels lied to, because she heard Dawn was going solo, a fact Diddy denies. Diddy says Aubrey is out of the group because he's tired of her crap. I pause the TV again and check my heart rate. I'm also a little concerned I like this show so much. I've watched every episode since the O-Town days.

It's a cliffhanger! There's going to be a second half to the season finale, shown next week. Diddy, you got me again. Next week, it looks like Diddy is ready to clean house. Maybe he'll ask Miley Cyrus to join.

* ... Baby.

To discuss how relationships are like bicep curls, and how I'm in one now

There’s an exciting announcement at the end of this post.*

I started going to the gym again. Now that it’s getting colder (although you know I love autumn like Jessica Simpson’s dad loves her bra size), I can’t keep getting all my exercise through outdoor sports like volleyball. That whole asthma thing sucks (insert inhaler joke here).
I could probably not work out at all and still stay relatively svelte, since God, in His infinite wisdom, decided to bless me with a good metabolism to make up for Him smiting me in other areas, such as personality and intelligence. God’s a good smiter.
But being relatively in shape and being in shape and muscular are two separate things. As I’ve read and agreed with on some of your blogs, just because you’re a thin person doesn’t mean you don’t need to work out (I recall one person writing that some large woman glared and scolded them for working out because they were already thin, as if that means you are in great shape).

So I’ve gone to the gym a few times recently, although not the big megaplexes— yet. There’s one at my apartment complex that barely costs anything to use, so I’ll stick with that one until I get enough muscle to go to the big person gym and lift weights that wouldn’t be ridiculed by an Olsen twin.**
I will say that the entire concept of going to the gym when you’re in your 20s or 30s is a bit ridiculous. This is my theory, at least as far as guys are concerned:
Single guys usually go to the gym to get all those abs and biceps so they can impress single girls. Then, once they get the girl, they have to keep going to the gym to stay fit because they’ve now raised the bar on their appearance. Then, when they break up, the guy goes back to the gym to work out his anger and get in better shape so he can find a new girl. And the cycle continues. Relationships are an endless bicep curl.

I’m sure I’ll write more about the gym at some point— so many things to make fun of— but I do want to include this thought. I just love it when the huge, HGH dudes lifting the equivalent of my body weight on a triceps curl feel the need to slam down weights and scream after each set. As Leo DiCaprio might shout, it’s them saying “I’m the king of the curl!” Except Leo has a neck.
Sometimes I grunt and shout when I’m doing my sets beside them so I can keep up. It invariably sounds like I’m mating with a dog and does not appear manly. At least I'm using the big boy weights and not those colored ones that come in bright blues and pinks.

* I just knew you’d jump to the end. You were probably one of those kids who, when reading the Choose Your Own Adventure books, cheated and read both of the possibilities before selecting an option. Anyway, just thought you should know that Madame Capricorn is the official girlfriend now. Coincidentally, my brother also got a girlfriend last night, which is a very strange and cool coincidence. Fortunately, they are different girls, or that would be awkward.
** OK, really, I actually do have some muscle. So maybe it’s what both Olsen twins can lift combined, which is, say, a can of Red Bull and a dime bag.***
*** If you don’t have enough money, is there a nickel bag? Do they make a food stamp bag?