To Discuss a Co-Blog About Romantic Hints, Plus Andy's Mancrush and Tiff's Fear of Stalkers.

Occasionally in the two-plus month history of WildARSChase, I've had another blogger get the crazy idea that they'd want to write a co-blog with me. The results have been Michael Phelpsian, if by that I mean that we achieved glory and not that we bombed on Saturday Night Live.

So far, TracieLee, my Ex-Fiance and Haute Pocket have taken the plunge. Since then, Tracie has been hired at Nike, Ex-Fiance has adopted two cats and Haute has made a major life decision to move back to Minnesota. So you see, friends, people who co-blog with me go places- sweat shop, furball and parka places.
In my brief blogging history, Miss Tiff has been one of my most frequent and supportive readers; I hope I have returned the favor her way, and I already wrote a guest post for her. This time, though, we have ventured into co-blog territory.
The topic? What guys and girls think when meeting someone of the opposite sex. The results? Lengthy (you're not really working at work, anyway), but still great.

Here we go:

The Co-Blog Post:

MT= Miss Tiff.... ARS: Wild ARS Chase

MT: OK, so I'm dying to get your take on this relationship stuff since, well, you are a guy, and I'm needing a little bit more guy perspective in some aspects of this whole dating/relationship scene.

ARS: I'm glad that my main qualifying factor is that I have a Y chromosome. Proceed.
MT: First question I gotta ask, because of what I'm going through, is why do some guys go all crazy on us gals? Seriously, any warning signs that you as a guy could give us gals? Because I know from my experience with the EX that I had no idea he was crazy until we broke up (ARS: That's actually good, because otherwise that means you dated a crazy person). Maybe if you could give us a little bit more insight on signs that he may turn crazy in the relationship, so that when it ends you could keep gals like myself from making the mistake of dating a loser like this in the first place.

ARS: Are we talking Pepe La Pew crazy, or Mark Walhberg in "Fear" crazy? That's the first thing. I'm guessing you're talking about the latter. If' that's the case, there are probably a few signs during the relationship to look out for:

1. If he always needs to know where you're going/who you're talking to... that likely means when you break up, he's not going to be used to you doing things on your own without telling him first.
2. If he isn't friends with any of his ex's, or least acquaintances, it might be because he's scared them off.
3. If he repeatedly says how he doesn't know what he would do without you, without you prompting him to do so by doing something/saying something nice... That could signify that he literally means he doesn't know what he'd do without you and is already planning how to slaughter your entire family. And by slaughter, I mean say mean things. No one needs to die. That only happens in "Fear."
   

The best thing you can do is cut the line of communication off, permanently, until he shows he can be a normal person. I do admit that guys are tougher to read than War & Peace. (MT: That's the biggest understatement I've heard in a long time.) It can be tough on our end, though.
We're always told that we need to be sweet and considerate, but we're also told not to go overboard so we don't look like freaking psychos. When you have your first few encounters with a guy, what can he do to impress you?

MT: You would be correct in assuming we are talking Mark Wahlberg in Fear crazy.

ARS: Good, because otherwise it might be Funky Bunch version of Mark Wahlberg, and that involves tighty whities.

MT: Those are some really good pointers that us gals should keep in mind. I know I will remember those, especially with all the ex stuff that I've had to go through recently which I have just finally managed to get under control with the advice you gave me a week or two ago.
I would have to agree with you that guys are really hard to read.
A lot of guys don't like to express their feelings so we (us gals) are left to try and figure out/guess what's going on with you guys. That usually never goes as well as it could if you would express your feelings better.
Guys do need to be sweet and considerate, I agree with you on that. It's not hard to be either, really it's not. When having a first few encounters with guys we like to see you guys be sweet and gentleman like. Call me kind of old fashioned about it, but opening doors, showing up with flowers, etc., always impresses me.

Also, if you have a good time with us let us know we like to know that. Because, you can bet if you don't tell us then we are wondering and we are probably over analyzing things we did. Don't you guys do the same thing if we don't tell you whether we had a good time or not?

ARS: Guilty as charged. I have to spend the rest of the night eating Ben & Jerry's and listening to Frank Sinatra.

MT: It also impresses me when a guy calls and/or texts every so often to let me know that he's thinking about me or hoping that I'm having a great day. But, and I can't stress this enough, do not go overboard with the calling/texting so much where we don't want to talk to you (like texting us ten times in one day to see what we're up to).

ARS: (Crossing that off my list) Oh yeah, that's crazy. Who would do that? Freakin' dudes.

MT: That's just crazy and will scare us off. What are some things that us gals can do to impress you during the first few encounters? What shouldn't we do?

ARS: Guys aren't as complicated as you think. Our basic thoughts when first meeting an available, cute girl run along three lines, with varying degrees of depth, depending on the situation:

1. Does she think I'm fun/funny/nice: This is the generic one that everyone wonders. We want to know that you enjoy us. Some of us go way overboard and ask every 5 minutes what you're thinking. Those guys have lack of self-esteem issues, which should be a warning sign, not a fixer-upper. We don't need you to stroke our ego all the time- we stroke enough (ego) as it is- but just realize that we want you to think we're cool.
2. Does she think I'm attractive: We are well aware that our abs do not resemble... well, those of Mark Wahlberg (Why do I keep mentioning him? I sound all mancrush. He is dreamy, though. Like in The Italian Job). (MT: That's like the third time you've mention Mark Walhberg.. I'm so calling you out on your mancrush. He is dreamy though and full of hotness.) We know that our hair isn't like that of George Clooney or Brad Pitt or even John Stamos. And many of us dress like we're auditioning for "Rent." But we do want you to think we're at least marginally attractive. So, if you do, mention it. Just once or twice, and don't make it into a big deal. It can be a small thing- eyes, biceps, molars, kidneys- but it will be enough for us to think that we're not still in "friend territory.".......Which leads to...
3. Is she putting me in freaking "friend territory": This was best explained in "Just Friends" with Ryan Reynolds. If we like a girl, our big fear is that she's put us in Friend Territory, which might as well be the Yukon Territory because it's just as cold and frigid for our psyche.
   

Once you're in there, it's tough to get out, which is why some of us make romantic moves we probably shouldn't, just to make it clear we don't want to be the guy you end up talking to about other guys. So, if you do like us, flirt a little. Drop a line about how you thought about us today. Use my Seven Steps to Holding Hands. Cop a feel (just seeing if you're paying attention). (MT: Did you just say cop a feel? You're joking right? Wait you aren't are you?)

And, if you think we have potential, don't talk to us about your guy problems all the time-- sometimes, yes, just not all the time. (MT: Noted. No griping about guy problems.) Because we'll eventually decide we don't want to be "the guy" you always need to complain about.

MT: OK, wait, so you're telling us that this basically boils down to those three things? If we think your fun/funny/nice, if we think you're attractive, and if we're putting you in friend territory.

ARS: It's like I'm unlocking the Ark of the Covenant, only nobody's flesh melts off like in Indiana Jones.

MT: Well, most of us gals easily show what we think about you in all of three of those areas within the first date or so. I know that I at least hint around those things. I may not come right out and say it but, do we really have to come out and say "You're hot" or something like that to get you to realize that we are digging you? If that's the case, then why don't guys come right out and tell us when they are digging us? (ARS: Did I mention guys are idiots?)
Because, sometimes you guys don't. Sometimes you guys leave us wondering what the heck is going on? Then we learn later you really do dig us and we've been stressing out over it for no reason.
A little tidbit of information that is that us girls can usually tell within the first date (if not the first date then definitely the second date) if we are going to put you in the "friend territory."
Since we got onto the subject of the "friend territory," how do guys go from being oh so into us girls to all of a sudden we're in the "friend territory" without any warning?!
Basically a lot of the whole "guys are hard to read" thing is because you tend not to talk (or hate talking) about your feelings about anything when it comes to relationships. So why is it guys don't tend to tell us what is on their minds? You all know that us gals will almost always tell you what's going on with us. But, guys tend to shut gals out. Why is that?

ARS: Well, that's not how it works. We are shrouds of mystery, like James Bond, but without the martini, weapon, and impeccable suits.(MT: Did you just try and compare all guys to James Bond? *rolls eyes* Right, go on.) Guys aren't as likely to come straight out and say they like you-- I would, but I'm not the usual. But think of it this way: If a guy calls you several times, wants to know what you're up to on the weekend and often mentions how he wants to go do something but wishes he had someone to go with, he probably likes you. Subtle. Very subtle.

It's likely a defense mechanism to protect us, because we're not very good at detecting if you like us or not, so we don't want to put ourselves out on a limb. Did I mention that guys make no sense? (MT: No but the whole female population myself included already knows that. No big surprise there.)
So here's the final question, then. If a guy is going to give you a compliment, would you rather it be about your personality, your looks or your lifestyle (your clothes/car/home/hobbies)?

MT: So, basically you guys aren't more obvious about liking us because you're not good at detecting if we like you or not. Actually that kind of makes sense because a few of us gals do the same thing. We don't like to put ourselves out on a limb that often either because it can result in getting hurt. Each girl is different as to what she would like to receive compliments about.

But, I'm sure quite a few of us love it when you compliment our personality and looks. It's kind of hard to really choose because we like to know that you like our personality, that you find us attractive and that you do like at least a few things about our lifestyle.
So that makes it hard to choose which we would rather be complimented on. I, myself, would probably go for personality or looks. However, like I said, it all depends on the girl. I will tell you this- we do like to receive compliments. So feel free to send them our way when ever you feel the need.

ARS: Noted. You know, I actually did watch "Just Friends" again recently with the girlfriend as a reminder of the friend zone and people missing "Hey I like you signals." You know what happens to Ryan Reynolds because of that? He gets facial lacerations, hit in the crotch, punched in the face and slapped. It pays to pay attention. (MT: That only happens in movies. Oh wait, I totally hit a guy in the crotch before. He deserved it though. So that makes it OK right?

I think the theme here, if I may be so bold as to summarize this co-blog, is that both sides need to be more forthcoming if they like somebody so we can avoid the crotch hitting and heart breaking. Agreed? Good. (MT: Totally agree both sides need to be more forthcoming to avoid those not so fun situations.)
Oh, and Mark Wahlberg. (One last reference for good luck). (MT: *Rolls Eyes*.)

To discuss the Seven Steps of Holding Hands

The information I'm about to give you may be life-altering. Other possible side effects include getting slapped in the face, embarrassment, blood clotting, diarrhea, itchy eyes and death.

I'm not sure how this legend came to be, because it never started that way. Basically, for years (up to and including now) I was awkward around girls. On my first official date, I tried to put my arm around the girl and smacked her nose with my watch. When I was in middle and high school, despite desperately wanting to get some kind of romantic connection to girls out of my league, I didn't have the guts (or Axe shower gel) to just come out and make a bold move.
So I developed what was at the time a seemingly innocuous series of moves that would get me in the front door of girl mansion. Holding hands- the gateway drug of physical contact.
It's been used in some capacity with women I know, women I barely know and women I just met, with stunningly good results*. There are variations of it, such as if you're in a car, at the movies or walking.
In college, I made the mistake of telling a group of friends that I had used this a few times during freshmen year. From there, the tale grew so that people I didn't even know were asking me about it.
The topic came up again this past weekend. I really don't have much opportunity to use it anymore, mostly because adult women seem to want a complete package of charm, wit and good looks. They're impressed with foreign accents, not hand holding. Si.
But I know it can still work for you, fellas. And if you're a girl, well, don't let yourself become an unsuspecting victim.
The technique is the Seven Steps of Holding a Girl's Hand (Pause a moment. The heavenly host of angels take a second to quiet down).
Imagine a young guy standing next to a girl he's attracted to, as he nervously glances at her. He's talked to her some, but wants to test the waters to see if he's going to get the romantic green light. He should start with the...

1. Body bump. With catlike ability, find an opportunity to make some kind of gentle physical contact with her while you're talking. Keep eye contact going and show no fear throughout- that's key. Women smell fear. And lying. They smell that, too.** The body bump could just be a foot brush, or maybe you stand side-by-side and you lean in once. If she recoils quickly or looks otherwise disgusted at the thought you've touched her, stop. If not, proceed to...
2. Arm bump. Time to get serious, because you're going to make contact with your arm as you continue with witty banter (Good God, man, you are keeping her interested with witty banter, sparkling conversation and casual name-dropping, aren't you?) If you can easily brush your arm with hers and she doesn't look nauseous, proceed to...
3. Arm bump hold. Another arm bump, but hold it a few seconds. This is where the men separate from the boys. If she's not feeling you, she won't let this happen. Remember not to stare at your arm when you do this, because she'll think you're checking her for ticks.*** If her eyes are still twinkling, proceed to...
4. Hand bump. Veterans might be able to jump to this step quickly, but it's not recommended for the faint of heart or if you don't even know the girl's name yet. Girls will notice if you touch their hands, even if it's lightly. God created them with sensors that detect things men can't detect, such as hearing a child's cry, the blooming of a flower, or the artistic quality of the Jonas Brothers****. So tread carefully, but find a good opportunity to bump her hand with yours before proceeding to...
   
5. Hand bump hold. Don't get cocky here. You'll need a few seconds of solid contact with hers, perhaps while you compliment her (genuinely!) on her new hair cut, music tastes or decision to wear a dress so low-cut that the first word you think of is "suckle." But you're not home free, yet... Proceed to...
6. Pinkie bump. I'm a purist. I go with a pinkie bump, because the pinkie is neglected, and it takes more skill to casually bump your pinkie with her hand and make it look manly. Now that you're using phalanges (Bam! First phalanges reference in blog history), focus, because you're about to seal the deal. Proceed with much delight and mild arousal to...
7. Full hand holding. Either go straight from 6 to 7, or take a quick break, then go in for the real thing. Savor the smooth texture of her hands. Smile for a moment, suggesting in that fleeting second that you would like to take her out and make her feel like a natural woman, perhaps with those same phalanges. Congratulations. You're a hand pimp.

Now there are reasons to just go and grab her hand off the start- if it's already obvious you are both interested, if she's over the age of 21, if she's not awake. But what's beautiful about all of this is that there are checks and balances. Rejection is minimal.
Prepare to be amazed. Bust out your Hootie and the Blowfish album (you know which track).

* Results not guaranteed. It worked for me only because of sheer volume and a lack of male options for the women involved, and because I have freakishly long fingers conducive for black ops hand-holding.
**Don't lie to a woman. Ever. Unless it's your mom. Then, the answer is "No, I didn't get the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue this year. The mailman must not have delivered it, and I'm glad."
***You're not Brad Paisley. Do not make tick references to a woman.
**** They are dreamy, though.

To discuss Pittsburgh and a legendary tale...

I was in Pittsburgh this weekend.
I wanted to tell you sooner, but it was a surprise- my former college roommate's (Jonathan) surprise party to congratulate him on getting his graduate degree and accruing massive debt. I think he was famously successful on both accounts. But, obviously, I couldn't write on here ahead of time where I was going this weekend and spoil the surprise, or his wife might have punched me in the junk.
When he arrived at his house, with friends and family in his living room, he was definitely shocked. I think it might have been better, though, if we all had crammed into his shower, and when he'd go to the bathroom, we'd throw the curtain to the side and scream, causing him to fall off the toilet and possibly soil himself. Maybe next time!
Jonathan and I had some interesting times as roommates, including me taking him to the emergency room because he gashed his forehead on a computer while falling down steps, me driving his drunk, drunk self home while he kept shouting about how there were (nonexistent) deer everywhere, and the two of us buying tights together. Yep, tights... for "A Midsummer Night's Dream." We sat down in the middle of the grocery store aisle, figuring out if we needed control top style and why the sizes were based on random letters. That cashier, I'm convinced, thinks Jonathan and I are a couple.
So at the party on Saturday, I got to see some college friends I hadn't talked to in a long time, and that led to recalling some old tales.
One of those tales has taken on a life of its own to the point that I can't remember what's real and what's been added.
That tale, dear friends, is the Seven Steps Method to Holding A Girl's Hand....
Interested?