To discuss the re-telling of a sad story

Wow, this was a quick week. Get to Know Me Week, which I think was wildly successful, is almost over. I've been updating the post with the links to your submissions, so check back there to see the new stuff.
There will be a Thanksgiving Update soon (How was yours? What did you eat? Did your family get in any fistfights?), as well as one more Get to Know Me-style post... But first, as promised, I'm re-posting one of my earliest blog entries (early being three months ago). I think this was the post that first had me thinking, "Yeah, I can stick to the blog thing." It's a post I refer to often, so it might be worth your while to read it...

The Little Debbie Story

"No, it can't be," I thought as I stared at the two quarters and eight dimes in the palm of my hand.
I looked back at the Little Debbie Oatmeal Cream Pie on the shelf. "Little Debbie, you price gouging piece of..."

Let me take you back to what happened leading up to this ominous, heartwrenching retail experience with America's Favorite Snack Cake.

As a 25-year-old working professional living on his own, I've come to grips with the fact that it will be a long, long time before I can afford, say, a decent-sized house, on my own. Any of you who are recently out of college probably feel the same, unless you are working in Big Business, and then you sold your soul anyway, so we'll call it even.
I'll never classify myself as poor, because there are actual poor people out there who can't afford to feed their kids or go see a doctor. So understand that- this isn't the same...
But there definitely is a subcategory of life, mostly for people in their 20s, I'd think, that is all about the struggle. You pay your bills, hopefully often, and you can afford some things in life, but you never feel like you're getting anywhere, right? You probably worry about money, say, I don't know, all the freakin time?

Ok, so that's the context. Back to this morning. After a slew of some unexpected and expected bills-- paying to register your car and get its annual inspection is a forced tax, don't you think?-- I had been tiptoeing the past few days. My rent check was turned in a few days ago. My pay day is Wednesday. I had enough to cover it as of Monday night, but by Tuesday morning, I dipped about 25 bucks below what the rent is.
No problem, I figured. As long as they don't cash the check by oh my God they cashed the check today... Negative 23 bucks in the hole. Triumphantly with my chest and chin held high, and my full trenchcoat and sunglasses on, I went to the bank to use an old bank account debit card I hadn't used in a year or so to get the 25 bucks remaining in it, and transferred it to the new account. A nice humbling experience- the teller makes the deposit and eyeballs your account balance as he hands you the receipt: $2.27. Nice!
Now since I hadn't bought groceries in a while because of said cash flow, I didn't have much with me at work to eat other than a basic lunch. By afternoon, I've got a sugar itch and want to pick up a snack.
With absolutely no paper money left, I rummage in my car for what's left of my spare change. I go to the store, get an iced tea ($1) and eye up the sugary sensation of Little Debbie. It's 35 cents. I can't afford it.
You know you are a broke, broke man when 35 cents crushes your budget.
Fortunately, I had a hearty dinner to lift me up.
A hot dog and Ramen.
Jealous?

To read the follow-up post about using "fake" money, go here.

To discuss the box store hot scale

Things are looking up financially (by that, I mean my dad gave me $20 and the government hasn't figured out a way to tax rape me on it yet). I also figured out the reason I was much more broke than usual this month was because I had to pay my 2007 car property tax bill from Connecticut (by that, I mean the government DID find a way to tax rape me, a person who no longer lives in Connecticut).
I decided to go grocery shopping today after realizing my cupboards were more barren than the Virgin Mary's womb before God knocked her up with my Lord and Savior. The thought was that I'd spend on the cheap to avoid having to scrape for change at the end of the month for Little Debbie snack cakes (Little Debbie- are you planning to pay me for all of this free advertising?).
So I went to Dollar General for some basic stuff, then a nearby K-Mart for a few other things, then considered going to Wal-mart for another item.
And that has reminded me of the box store hot scale.
There are few things in life more reliable than the level of hotness of women shopping in a chain store, such as Wal-mart or Target. Just like the merchandise, you know what to expect when you walk in. See for yourself.
Starting from the bottom (written to guys, but ladies, please read on):

1. Dollar stores: Although there is an occasional hotness surprise (hey, you're shopping there that day too, aren't you?), mostly you are going to find women searching for their baby's daddy. They may or may not own a properly fitting brassiere, and will often refer to the special education child following them as a "brat," or "bastard," depending on the child's need for a new $1 toy. There may be times where a Dollar Store girl looks appetizing to you, but remember that A) Dollar store merchandise looks good on the rack, but when you take it home to use it, you remember it cost a dollar for a reason, B) You're a lonely, lonely man, and C) There's a good chance she's using dollar store contraception, which lead to the aforementioned bastard child.
2. Wal-mart: Sheer quantity is the name of the game here. There are always people in Wal-mart, no matter what the hours. There's a greater likelihood that teeth will all be accounted for, but there's just as good of a chance that she'll be wearing a neon pink sports bra as a top with flannel pants accentuating her ample bottom. She is probably, however, a cheap date. And made in China. Woo her with promises to roll back prices.
   
3. Target: Maybe it's all the red everywhere, but I've seen some extremely hot women in Target. Now, most of them are soccer moms (and that's fine with me; I don't discriminate), but there are also many college girls trying to make their dorm "cute." Stick around the kitchen or furniture section and you'll probably run into some attractive possibilities wearing capris and shirts touting made-up sports teams. You can joke with them about saying Target with a French accent (tar-shea). They will think you're a loser, but hey, there's always Wal-mart.
4. Whole Foods: Let's assume for a moment you're an attractive man with a charming personality and money to spend. Or, in other words, let's assume you're not me. Whole Foods is your mecca. Because you might never see so many attractive women in your life as when you walk into this organic foods store. In Greenwich, CT, I saw supermodel Stephanie Seymour in there, for one.These women want it fresh and all natural- give it to them (fruits and vegetables, that is).

Does this sound about right?

To discuss using fake money

I got paid, so banking crisis averted.
BUT...I haven't made it to an ATM, so technically, I'm still as cash poor as yesterday when I couldn't afford a Little Debbie treat (see previous post and cry tenderly).

This afternoon, same famished predicament. I mean, I do eat lunch- a big lunch- every day, but I start jonesing for food every afternoon until I either satisfy it or get someone to sponsor my meals for just 10 cents a day.
Since I'm not an emaciated child in an impoverished country (although I do sponsor one of those kids), I have to rely on myself for snacks.
So again, today, I'm wishing I had change to go get a snack. I had completely forgotten that I have a silver dollar tucked into my bag, a dollar that has been there for four years since I got it in a New Haven train station.
I feel completely foolish using the Sacagawea dollar, which is why that coin lasted so long. It doesn't look like real money. It looks like you're supposed to buy Park Place with it. It looks like the government felt bad about slaughtering Native Americans all those years, so they minted a coin to make up for it, even though no vending machines accept them.
And really, Sacagawea? How did she get in line before other minority leaders? What, Harriet Tubman didn't deserve a coin? Booker T. Washington? Martin Luther King Jr? Lisa Turtle?
Sacagawea was a guide/interpreter for Lewis and Clark. Good times, but not coin worthy.

So, my hand trembling, I grabbed my Oatmeal Cream Pie and handed the gold coin to the elderly cashier, who may or may not have been on the journey with Sacagawea.
I quickly apologized for trying to pay for something with a coin that looks like a Pirates of the Caribbean prop.
"Don't make no mind to me," she replied in what I'm guessing was jive talk.
Crisis averted.

To discuss searching for spare change...

"No, it can't be," I thought as I stared at the two quarters and eight dimes in the palm of my hand.
I looked back at the Little Debbie Oatmeal Cream Pie on the shelf. "Little Debbie, you price gouging piece of..."

Let me take you back to what happened leading up to this ominous, heartwrenching retail experience with America's Favorite Snack Cake.

As a 25-year-old working professional living on his own, I've come to grips with the fact that it will be a long, long time before I can afford, say, a decent-sized house, on my own. Any of you who are recently out of college probably feel the same, unless you are working in Big Business, and then you sold your soul anyway, so we'll call it even.
I'll never classify myself as poor, because there are actual poor people out there who can't afford to feed their kids or go see a doctor. So understand that- this isn't the same...
But there definitely is a subcategory of life, mostly for people in their 20s, I'd think, that is all about the struggle. You pay your bills, hopefully often, and you can afford some things in life, but you never feel like you're getting anywhere, right? You probably worry about money, say, I don't know, all the freakin time?

Ok, so that's the context. Back to this morning. After a slew of some unexpected and expected bills-- paying to register your car and get its annual inspection is a forced tax, don't you think?-- I had been tiptoeing the past few days. My rent check was turned in a few days ago. My pay day is Wednesday. I had enough to cover it as of Monday night, but by Tuesday morning, I dipped about 25 bucks below what the rent is.
No problem, I figured. As long as they don't cash the check by oh my God they cashed the check today... Negative 23 bucks in the hole. Triumphantly with my chest and chin held high, and my full trenchcoat and sunglasses on, I went to the bank to use an old bank account debit card I hadn't used in a year or so to get the 25 bucks remaining in it, and transferred it to the new account. A nice humbling experience- the teller makes the deposit and eyeballs your account balance as he hands you the receipt: $2.27. Nice!
Now since I hadn't bought groceries in a while because of said cash flow, I didn't have much with me at work to eat other than a basic lunch. By afternoon, I've got a sugar itch and want to pick up a snack.
With absolutely no paper money left, I rummage in my car for what's left of my spare change. I go to the store, get an iced tea ($1) and eye up the sugary sensation of Little Debbie. It's 35 cents. I can't afford it.
You know you are a broke, broke man when 35 cents crushes your budget.
Fortunately, I had a hearty dinner to lift me up.
A hot dog and Ramen.
Jealous?


BTW- The best blogs I read are the ones with brutal honesty, cause, well, no one is ever really honest about how they are doing (there can't be that many people who really are doing "fine"). So I'll give to you, if in exchange you know that I'm going for entertainment and not sympathy. Now, if you have a Little Debbie snack cake you care to share, that's another thing. And hey, I get paid Wed., so it'll be at least another two... um... weeks... until I could face a similar situation.