To discuss things I have left jilted at the altar of life

Have you ever hit the wall?

No, not that one time with your parents' car.

I mean metaphorically. I'm having one of those experiences this week. I've hit an Internet wall, just as many of you have. Through a series of busy nights, hectic days, travel-filled weekends and dodging overzealous holiday shoppers like Mario bouncing around Bowser, I haven't had much time to do any blogging this week. Read them, write them, laugh at them, light them on fire, whatever.
I feel weird for feeling ashamed at this, like not putting spare change in the Salvation Army kettle when the dude is ringing the bell with vigor in your direction. There's no obligation, but you feel like you're spitting on baby Jesus if you don't at least throw a Sacagawea dollar in or something.
Because I have so much fun writing for this blog and reading your comments in which you question my sexuality, sanity and ability to use proper grammar, I'll get over the proverbial hump on this, probably by early next week.
That's a welcome change from my past behavior. I am normally the king of "get passionate about something for a couple months and then quit abruptly." I have hobby ADD.
Here's a (UPDATED!) list of things in my life I have, at some point, taken an interest in only to suddenly and inexplicably abandon after a short time like Julie Roberts' fiances in "Runaway Bride":

• Golf
• Playing the piano
• Gymnastics
• Drawing
• Richard Gere (No, wait, that was just Julia)
• Poetry
• Exercising
• Eating healthy
• Politics
• The National Hockey League
• The Bible
• The Bible again, after getting tired of reading about begatting in Numbers and Deuteronomy
  
• The Bible a third time, but only the New Testament after Romans left me feeling like I've sinned in every way possible
• Car maintenance
• Learning Spanish
• Going to graduate school
• Feeling guilt at eating an entire container of Keebler ELF Fudge cookies
• Celebrating the real meaning behind Christmas
• Celebrating the real meaning behind Easter
• Cycling
• Crystal meth (No, wait. That was Crystal Light iced tea.)
  
• Running
• Staying in touch with people
  
• Writing music
• Budgeting
• Updated:
• Reading Les Miserables
• Reading, period
• Recycling more
• Yoga
• MySpace
• AIM
  

What about you?

I'll try to be better next week. I really will.

To discuss Google failing the well-intended

Dear Google searchers:

Hey, what's going on? It's been a couple months since I last wrote to you, when you were voraciously looking for Alicia Sacramone's leotard-covered nipples. (Did you find them? Let me know...also, let Child Services know.) I figured I'd try to help out those of you who recently used Google to find your soul-searching answers, only to be led astray to porn sites, unattended Angelfire accounts and this blog.

The following are all actual Google searches that led people to WildARSChase (courtesy of Sitemeter):

• "Quarantine and the Doomsday Virus": Let me help you out here. DON'T SEE QUARANTINE MY GOD MAN HIDE THE WOMEN AND CHILDREN THIS MOVIE IS GOD SMITING THE WICKED. Also, the Doomsday Virus is a rabies-like disease that makes people eat each other's necks off, not unlike an overzealous teenage boy attempting his first hickie.
• "Karaoke Girlicious Blogspot": Were you going to sing a karaoke song done by Girlicious? Did that train wreck girl group ever put out a song? Couldn't you just do something by the Pussycat Dolls? (make sure you wear only leather chaps and a studded bra)
• "Was Tyra wearing flip-flops in the latest Friday Night Lights when she takes Cash back?": First off, you need to learn something called "keywords"- it helps you avoid long sentences in a Google search. Also, I'm not sure if she was, but I doubt it. Tyra rarely wears clothes on that show, which I highly anticipate watching when it returns to NBC.
• "Fake money that looks rely": I'm guessing you mean real. I'm hoping you meant real. Anyway, you could always get a job and make real money, which would solve the problem. You could earn scores of Sacagewea dollars doing that. You could also build up a major, Wall Street company, run it into the ground, and then gleefully collect a government payout. Just a thought.
• "Aundrea problem child": You're already off-course. Aundrea, of Danity Kane fame, is an angel, and would be the mother of my future children if Capricorn would let me (she won't). Blame things on Aubrey, who has tot
  Publish Post
  ally spiraled into a shell of her former self.
• "Alicia Sacramone Crotch": Really? You're still looking for that? I just don't get it.
  

To discuss answering the prayers of Google searchers

Dear Google search dudes and dudettes:
I feel both indebted to you and worried for you. Last week, because of your voracious keyword searches, you sent my visitor totals sky high, likely directly causing a hole in the ozone layer that won't soon be repaired through diligent car pooling and recycling. I appreciate that effort, even if you left terribly disappointed by my blog not having the answers or nudity you sought.
To make it up to you, I thought I'd try to answer some of questions posed and provide some of the content you were looking for. I'm just that type of guy.* The following are all actual Google searches that led people to WildARSChase.

• "How to Make Vending Machines Accept Fake Money" Excellent question. First, go to the bank. Hand them a dollar bill. Ask for the most fake looking U.S. (or Aussie, for reader AmyXXOO and friends) currency available. The teller, without hesitating, will hand you a shiny gold Sacagawea dollar. You will smile, knowing that nothing could be more fake looking that the U.S. Treasury trying to pass off a gold coin with an Indian guide on it as real currency. Next, go to your nearest vending machine. Shove that golden dollar in with gusto, mucho gusto (that's right. I just threw word play and random Spanish in there. That lesson comes free of charge).
• "Needed to pee" This one worries me. You needed to pee, but you were doing Google searches? Fortunately, the answer is easy. Find a toilet. Lower your pants. Wait for golden relief. Call the doctor if it burns a little.
  
• "Synchronized gangsta swimsuits" I'm not quite sure those are real things. But, not wanting to disappoint, I'll hazard a guess. Perhaps that means you're looking for the U.S. mens' swimming relay team's Speedos, with a blue flag hanging out the backside, but only on the left side, because, as Snoop Dogg informed us, that's the Crip side.
• "Alicia Sacramone boob size" Bigger than yours, smaller than Aubrey Pocket's.**
• "Alicia Sacramone's boyfriend" See Me, That's.
• "Does James Franco have a Facebook page?" Even if he does, will he really add you as his friend? Better question: If he does, does he use the bumper sticker application? What would his bumper say? "My best work was in Freaks and Geeks, and that ain't bad."
  
• "Girlicious spandex" I can't help you here. The fact you want photos of that terrible girl band Girlicious in spandex is an indictment on your taste. What you meant to look for is Danity Kane in spandex. I forgive you.
  

* I'm also the type of guy that owns a tiny dog, multiple suits, watches "What Not to Wear" and buys low-fat ice cream. Do you still want to be friends?
** I wonder if I can start a trend by repeatedly calling Aubrey from Danity Kane "Aubrey Pocket." I think I'll keep doing it until she wears a sweatshirt or a sweater or something.


For the people who are reading my blog regularly, on purpose: You do know I'm not paying you, right? But anyway, thanks for coming back again and again. To reward you, I have a special co-blog post for tomorrow, which is right around my one month blogaversary. Technically, it's Sept. 1, but you'll all be punch drunk with Labor Day frivolity (do they have something similar to Labor Day in Australia, AmyXXOO?) by then, so I figured I'd get it out tomorrow. It will help unravel some of the mystery about me by getting answers straight from a woman who knows me best (It's not Oprah or the Virgin Mary).

To discuss using fake money

I got paid, so banking crisis averted.
BUT...I haven't made it to an ATM, so technically, I'm still as cash poor as yesterday when I couldn't afford a Little Debbie treat (see previous post and cry tenderly).

This afternoon, same famished predicament. I mean, I do eat lunch- a big lunch- every day, but I start jonesing for food every afternoon until I either satisfy it or get someone to sponsor my meals for just 10 cents a day.
Since I'm not an emaciated child in an impoverished country (although I do sponsor one of those kids), I have to rely on myself for snacks.
So again, today, I'm wishing I had change to go get a snack. I had completely forgotten that I have a silver dollar tucked into my bag, a dollar that has been there for four years since I got it in a New Haven train station.
I feel completely foolish using the Sacagawea dollar, which is why that coin lasted so long. It doesn't look like real money. It looks like you're supposed to buy Park Place with it. It looks like the government felt bad about slaughtering Native Americans all those years, so they minted a coin to make up for it, even though no vending machines accept them.
And really, Sacagawea? How did she get in line before other minority leaders? What, Harriet Tubman didn't deserve a coin? Booker T. Washington? Martin Luther King Jr? Lisa Turtle?
Sacagawea was a guide/interpreter for Lewis and Clark. Good times, but not coin worthy.

So, my hand trembling, I grabbed my Oatmeal Cream Pie and handed the gold coin to the elderly cashier, who may or may not have been on the journey with Sacagawea.
I quickly apologized for trying to pay for something with a coin that looks like a Pirates of the Caribbean prop.
"Don't make no mind to me," she replied in what I'm guessing was jive talk.
Crisis averted.