To discuss Grammy award commentary 2010

After the disappointing day I had with TV (to be discussed tomorrow), I almost forgot the Grammys were on. But Capricorn and I caught them in time, and, as is now tradition, offer you some Grammy commentary. We're already off to a good start tonight, because Chris Brown wasn't arrested just before the show.

• Lady Gaga opens the show in a sparkly green outfit, with what appears to be the the first-ever case of pubic cleavage.
  
• Elton John and Lady Gaga sharing the same stage was memorable, but they looked like they just emerged from a coal mine that uses a drag queen to signal danger instead of a canary.
  
• Russell Brandt looks like a terroristic wolfman.
• Jennifer Lopez emerges in a skin-tight white dress. Actually, she's emerging all over that dress. "She forgot her spanx!"- Capricorn.
• Simon Baker is Brittish? Ed. note: My international readers point out he's Australian. That makes a little more sense, with that hair and tan.
  
• Beyonce is singing "You Oughta Know. Does this mean she slept with Dave Coulier too?!?!?!
• I get the sense Beyonce dries her hair in the morning by grinding on the floor and thrashing around like Tawny Kitaen.
• Capricorn: "Does Pink have on her trapeze outfit? I've seen this before." No, she wouldn't do that again, I reply. Oops.
• What do I have to do to GET AWAY FROM MILEY?!?!
• The Black Eyed Peas looks like the dominatrix version of the Blue Man Group. Ladies and gentlemen, one of the biggest selling groups of the past decade! Let's not forget their dancer outfits, which appear to be made out of cardboard, spray paint and fail.
  
• You're playing off Stephen Colbert during his acceptance speech? Really?
  
• Jamie Foxx, I ain't hating on you for that opera fake-out- it was funny. Or T-Pain busting out as the conductor. I am a little concerned about the 15-year-old girls in the pit singing along to "Blame It on the Alcohol." Actually, they were doing more singing than T-Pain or Jamie Foxx combined (as Jaimee Foxx said himself, "I'm sorry for the autotune, Jay-Z). Capricorn is impressed Slash came on to play. I'm impressed they were all sober enough to perform.
• I think that was Katy Perry presenting, but there was no cleavage to identify her. Maybe she was scared Russell would transform if he saw full moons.
• So what happens when Taylor Swift likes a guy that likes her back? Does she run out of song material? ... It was cool Taylor and Stevie Nicks were both singing "You Belong to Me," but I don't think Stevie was ever "on the bleachers." Under the bleachers, maybe. Casting spells, possibly.
  
• I thought my TV was broken. Nope, it's Celine Dion in 3D. I'd prefer my Celine in 1D. Or No-D. And was Usher singing "What about the elephants?" If they would've saved the money they spent on the 3D technology, they could have saved the kids, the rainforests and the freaking elephants. Nice Michael Jackson tribute, though. I still think he's living with Tupac and Biggie somewhere, secretly making albums.
• Based on a fan vote, Bon Jovi has to do Livin on a Prayer. I wish we could done that for Beyonce. I would have chosen "Bills, Bills, Bills" and her her sing it with the original Destiny's Child members. Except she would have to guess who is an original member and who was just a random girl chosen from the audience.
  
• Who knew Jay-Z laughs like Fran Drescher?
• I think Mary J. Blige's face might explode trying to keep up with Andrea Bocelli.
• Adam Sandler presents Dave Matthews Band: Can I have "People who Reached Their Peak in 1996" Alex? Speaking of the 90s, Ricky Martin!
  
• After seeing Roberta Flack, it's weird to think that years from now, I'll watch the Grammys with my kids, and say, "Look, that's Beyonce singing 'Single Ladies,' her old hit. She used to be the biggest star in the world. And you're in for a treat kids. She's still using her famous boob tape! .... It used to look better, kids. Don't be scared."
• Oh man, Drake, Wayne and Eminem are doing "Forever"! I like this song a little too much for a suburban white kid. Oh, phew. Taylor Swift knows the words, too. I'm safe.
  
• CBS, if you're going to have rappers perform, don't censor half the song to cover for a random swear word. That's like blurring out an entire episode of "Jersey Shore" on the off chance J-Woww shows too much cleavage. You know its going to happen, so prepare in advance.
• It's to the point with Lady Gaga's outfits that you have to treat her like a poorly-behaving child. Give it too much attention (At the end, she looked like a frozen Rocksteady from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles), and she'll just keep doing it. So, uh, "Hey Lady Gaga, you look perfectly average. Just as ordinary as can be."
• Lady Gaga gave an "Oh, of course she won" face when Taylor Swift won record of the year. That's what happens when you win so many Grammys, though. Even Carlos Santana was jealous, and he won about 45 for writing that song that's played in waiting rooms around the country.

A look at the night's big winners (other than Haiti, Taylor Swift and Alanis Morisette):
Song of the Year: "Put a Ring on It" Beyonce and random dudes
Best Country Song: "You Belong to Me" Taylor Swift
Best Pop Vocal Album: "The E.N.D." Black Eyed Peas
Best New Artist: Zac Brown Band
Best Comedy Album: Steven Colbert
Record of the Year: "Use Somebody" Kings of Leon
Best Rock Album: "21st Century Breakdown" Green Day
Best Rock Song: "Use Somebody" Kings of Leon
Best R&B Album: "BLACKsummers'night," Maxwell
Best Alternative Album: "Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix," Phoenix
Best Contemporary R&B Album: "I Am ... Sasha Fierce," Beyonce
Best R&B Song: "Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)," Beyonce
Best Female Country Vocal Performance: "White Horse," Taylor Swift
Best Male Country Vocal Performance: "Sweet Thing," Keith Urban
Best Country Album: "Fearless," Taylor Swift
Best Pop Performance by a Duo or Group With Vocals: ("I Gotta Feeling") Black Eyed Peas
Best Dance Recording: "Poker Face," Lady Gaga
Best Electronic Dance Album: "The Fame," Lady Gaga
Best Rap Album: "Relapse," Eminem.
Best Rap Song: "Run This Town" Rihanna/Jay-Z/Kanye
Best Rap Solo Performance ("D.O.A. [Death of Auto-Tune]") Jay-Z
Best Female Pop Vocal: "Halo" Beyonce (Hometown Glory/Adele should have won!)
Best Male Pop Vocal Performance: "Make It Mine," Jason Mraz
Best Album of the Year: "Fearless" Taylor Swift

To discuss Golden Globes commentary, 2010

The Hollywood Foreign Press Association had its annual awards Sunday night, despite no one yet coming forth with a reason why foreign press are giving awards to Hollywood. I covered the Golden Globe awards in 2009, back when Kate Winslet was winning everything and forgetting Angelina Jolie's name.

Here are my observations from a night of watching the 2010 Golden Globe awards with Capricorn. Do not read if you haven't seen the list of winners (at bottom):

• Billy Butler is the homeless man's Ryan Seacrest, only the homeless man is also a talentless hack.
  
• A lavish award show seems kind of silly when you think about what's going on in Haiti, even though I'm sure we'll spend tonight hearing endless acceptance speeches about how it's an honor to win, but let's think about Haiti. Katrina was so five years ago. It's not like some of those people are still homeless or destitute or something.
  
• Already like Ricky Gervais ... except he stole all my jokes for the night. At least he didn't steal my Angelina Jol... ah, c'mon!
• I'll already say this: All the Glee nominees are going to annoy me, especially Lea Michele. As Toni Collette wins for Best Actress in a TV Comedy, I'm glad to see producers still haven't figured out how to arrange the tables so that winners have to play Frogger to get to the front.
  
• How can I get the job of walking the actresses up the steps to the stage? You spend the entire night holding the arm of beautiful women and getting on TV. Not a fun job: Mavis Spencer's presenter role, which evidently including standing around and looking clueless. The last time I saw a beautiful women look that unprepared and awkward stage, she was talking about "opposite marriage."
  
• The Princess and the Frog's animation looks like VHS in a Blu-ray world.
  
• Felicity Huffman can't remember her lines. At least she's not a professional actress.
  
• Time for Best Actor in a TV Drama. Michael C. Hall has a beanie. Jon Hamm has a beard. Bill Paxton has three wives. Hall wins, and the beanie is because he has Hodgkin's lymphoma. What's Hamm's beard excuse?
• January Jones wasn't nominated for her stint as an SNL host? But it went so well! "Who watches this #%&?" Capricorn wonders, as Anna Paquin is passed over for Juliana Margulies. Capricorn, now bitter that nobody we like is winning, has an idea. "We should have our own awards show. Only shows we watch are included. We don't get Showtime so none of them are nominated." According to this method, Jersey Shore and House Hunters would win a boatload.
  
• WTF, Harrison Ford? Heavy breathing. Awkward pacing. Weird glances. Bad jokes. Capricorn: "I feel like I'm going to get raped."
• "That was my beautiful girlfriend that I aspire to be like," Capricorn said after seeing a glimpse of Kate Winslet. Um, I think I just got dumped.
  
• It's to the point that Cher looks like a drag queen playing Cher.
• I imagine during commercial breaks there are all these famous actresses, like Kate Winslet and Helen Mirren, vying for a bathroom stall, and some random girl who snuck in, like Tara Reid, is hogging the toilet and trying not to get kicked out.
• Meryl Streep wins Best Actress in a Comedy, as Capricorn points out Sharon Stone, who said Meryl looks like "an unmade bed," wasn't winning any Golden Globes lately. Of course, Meryl's acceptance speech is three times as long as the Up guys, but you don't hear them bust out the "stop talking" music on her. I think that's against the unwritten rules.
  
• Side note: Capricorn has been singing "Cinema Italiano" from "Nine" over and over this entire time.
• Gerard Butler: "It's an honor for us to present this award together." Jennifer Aniston: "*pause*... Yep, it is." If that wasn't a one-night stand gone wrong awkwardness, I don't know what is ... District 9, which I loved, doesn't win Best Screenplay; Up in the Air wins. Capricorn says we better watch all of these random movies before the Oscars, as she remembers we were making fun of "Slumdog Millionaire" last year when it won. Good point. We better watch "The Ugly Truth."
  
• Steve Carell never wins for "The Office," even though he's nominated every year. Maybe that's why every time they call his name, he looks like he's going to cry.
  
• Cutting short the foreign language film director winner- that's ethnic intimidation, Golden Globe people.
  
• Big Love loses to Mad Men for best TV Series Drama. When will America start to embrace polygamy? ... Wait, they just did! Chloë Sevigny wins for Best Supporting Actress... I mean Chloi Sevigny, according to the graphic. Did she become a Japanese fish and not tell anyone? Or wasn't she satisfied with her umlaut?
  
• Martin Scorsese wins the Cecil B DeMille Award for his cameo appearance in Season 3 of Curb Your Enthusiasm. Oh, and for his movies. He thanks everyone for spending time and money "to preserve film." Was there some mass conspiracy to eliminate all movies that I missed? "Hey, it's the original copy of Wizard of Oz. Let's use it as a Frisbee."
• I was under the mistaken impression "The Hurt Locker" was about the time Slater punched a locker after he heard Preppy asked out Kelly to the prom first.
  
• I haven't seen "Avatar." I have no idea what it's about, except that the visuals are amazing and the storyline is mediocre. Which is the same thing you can say about porn. But, hey, James Cameron, good for you. Now you can afford a haircut and stop looking like the after-dinner entertainment for a luau.
  
• Glee beats out Capricorn's and my preference for Best Comedy, Modern Family (I would have been cool with Entourage, 30 Rock or The Office, too). Well, at least I won't have to endure #gleegotrobbed as a trending topic on Twitter all day Monday.
• Not going to be nominated next year: "When In Rome." Sorry, Kristen Bell.
• I hope Mike Tyson punches James Cameron in the face sometime tonight. Who wouldn't watch that? I'm very glad The Hangover won, but I think it's disgraceful they didn't invite the tiger on stage to accept the award.
  
• I think they should choose category winners by who will give good acceptance speeches. So, Sandra Bullock/Robert Downey Jr., yes, James Cameron/Drew Barrymore, no. Drunk Mickey Rourke gets a lifetime pass.
• Avatar wins the top honor of the night, as it should, considering it made enough money to save Haiti all on its own. (Hey, James Cameron wore a ribbon. Let's not go overboard with this charity stuff.) So nice of him to ask famous actors to applaud for themselves for entertaining people. Hey, with that in mind, how about all you bloggers give yourselves a big round of applause for entertaining each other. But don't actually applaud. Cause that's weird.
  

For your reference, here's the list of the 2010 Golden Globe winners:

Best Supporting Actress, Movie: Mo'Nique, Precious
Best Actress, TV Comedy Series/Miniseries: Toni Collette, United States of Tara
Best Supporting Actor, TV Series: John Lithgow, Dexter
Best Animated Feature: Up
Best Actor, TV Drama: Michael C Hall, Dexter
Best Actress, TV Drama: Juliana Margulies, The Good Wife
Best Original Song: "The Weary Kind", Crazy Heart
Best Original Score: Up
Best Mini-Series/TV Movie: Grey Gardens
Best Actress in a Movie Comedy: Meryl Streep, Julie and Julia
Best Actor, TV Miniseries or Movie: Kevin Bacon, Taking Chance
Best Actress, TV Miniseries or Movie: Drew Barrymore
Best Screenplay: Up In the Air writers
Best Actor, TV Comedy/Musical: Alec Baldwin, 30 Rock
Best Foreign Language Film: The White Ribbon
Best TV Series Drama: Mad Men
Best Supporting Actress, TV: Chloë Sevigny
Best Supporting Actor, Movie: Christoph Waltz, Inglorious Basterds
Cecil B. DeMille Award: Martin Scorsese
Best Director, Movie: James Cameron
Best TV Series, Comedy/Musical: Glee
Best Comedy/Musical Movie: The Hangover
Best Actress, Movie Drama: Sandra Bullock, The Blind Side
Best Actor, Movie Comedy: Robert Downey Jr., Sherlock Holmes
Best Actor, Movie Drama: Jeff Bridges, Crazy Heart
Best Movie, Drama: Avatar

To discuss Emmy commentary

In what has become a Wild ARS tradition, I made a running commentary on a major awards show, with Capricorn there to offer her own sarcastic insight. Here's what we thought of the Emmy's, hosted by Doogie Howser:

• Two minutes in, and Neil Patrick Harris is already better than 90 percent of past presenters. But it will be hard not to think of him as "How I Met Your Mother's" Barney. As in, he tux-suited up tonight, and he's going to give a girl Emmy-thing she wants all night. High five!
• "Ugly Betty" is still on?
• I've finally seen "Entourage." Thoroughly enjoyable. But my perspective is distorted by the veritable bevy of near or totally naked chicks on that show. I'd probably say similarly impressed with "Antique Road Show" if they offered the same thing.
  
• Kristen Chenoweth took a Lady Gaga pill by wearing those glasses. Oh wait, so did Amy Poehler... Sweet Jesus what is going on with the eye gear? As the camera finally goes to Vanessa Williams (who does not participate in the eyeglasses gag) Capricorn comments Vanessa is looking "old as ****." I guess they saved the oldest for last, eh Vanessa?
  
• 30 Rock is going to win a lot tonight, isn't it? This is like rooting for the Yankees. I don't think I can condone it, even thought I like 30 Rock. I will instead pledge my allegiance to shows I've never seen. Except Monk. Nobody wants to root for that.
• Nobody looks happy for Jon Cryer winning best supporting actor. Capricorn to losing actors: "Screw you. No wonder you lost."
• Justin Timberlake appears to have a dating-Britney-era Jheri curl.
• Can people win Emmys if no one sees their show? Example: Toni Collette, "United States of Tara."
• Blake Lively must have thought there was a "Plunging Neckline" category.
• If you would've watched TRL about eight years ago, would you have thought, "Hey, Justin Timberlake is going to win an Emmy?
• Tony Shaloub gets nominated EVERY YEAR! WHO IN GOD NAME WATCHES MONK!
• They should put in D-list celebs for the trophy girls. Wouldn't it more enjoyable to watch Khloe Kardashian, Real Housewives' NeNe and Heidi Montag hand out awards? Anything could happen.
• Jeff Probst, host of "Survivor: Exotic Places Probably Near a Wal-mart," wins in the first year the reality show host category is offered. "So You Think You Can Dance" host Cat Deeley, who I think should have won, isn't even nominated. Where is Kanye when I need him?... Well, other than trying to make a music video award seem important?
• Not nominated for Best Reality Show: "I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here".... After "Amazing Race" wins, Capricorn: "This is like it's supposed to be the Emmy's from eight years ago."
• Shoreh Aghdashloo won best supporting actress in a miniseries/movie for "House of Saddam." Capricorn knows her from her work on "Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants II," which, for some reason, has not garnered the same awards attention.
• I love the "random movie/show the presenters were on" intro bits. It's like a treasure trove of trivia. Who knew so many stars did afterschool specials about sex? Actually, can we have top stars do those same afterschool specials now? Wouldn't teens watch a "dangers of premarital sex" special starring Zac Efron and Miley Cyrus?
• Society tells me Jennifer Love Hewitt is yesterday's "it" girl. I refuse to believe it.
• Dr. Horrible appearance! Why is this not a regular series? How can we have Rock of Love Bus, and no Dr. Horrible? If you have no idea what "Dr. Horrible" is and you think I'm just making references to a Spiderman character, please Google it now and come back when you're done.
• There are all these Emmy-nominated miniseries around, and yet, when I'm looking for something to watch on a Saturday afternoon, all I can find are "Property Virgins" and "Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami."
• Bruce Gowers of "American Idol," you may have won an Emmy for best director, but based on what I've seen of your show, you would have put a commercial in right before your name was announced, again when you took the stage, and then another one in the middle of your speech.
• Kinda surprised "Motherlover" didn't win best original music & lyrics. Also upset "Muppet Family Christmas" didn't win. The guys who wrote the Academy Awards opening number won. Fair enough- here's what I wrote about it then: "Hugh opens the show with a musical montage that at one point, I think, dabbles in a reproduction of a Missy Elliott video. "What the F is he doing?" Capricorn asks. Hugh says "It's OK to be gay," as a comment on "Milk," or perhaps as self-encouragement. "
• Sure, LL Cool J has a new NCIS or CSI or some crime show spinoff coming, but when I think of LL and TV, I think of "In The House," the redheaded stepchild to "Fresh Prince of Bel-Air."
• Oh, crap! It's Sarah McLachlan! She isn't going to be singing about adopting abused kittens and puppies again, is she? I can't take it. Oh. Phew. It's just dead actors. Only slightly less depressing.
• I now associate Sarah McLachlan with abused puppies and dead Michael Jackson. Can't wait to see what she does next. "Sweet Surrender" for a prisoner of war montage?
• Not surprised "30 Rock" won, but again, it's like the Yankees. Or, to put it in non-sports, celebrity terms, it's like rooting for Megan Fox. But only if Megan Fox was witty, well-spoken, funny and, you know, could act.
• I didn't even need to hear Sigourney announce "Mad Men" as winners of best drama series. I hadn't seen an upcoming announcement this obvious since Adam Lambert said he was gay.

Did I miss anything? Cause that was lengthy.