To discuss Golden Globes commentary, 2010

The Hollywood Foreign Press Association had its annual awards Sunday night, despite no one yet coming forth with a reason why foreign press are giving awards to Hollywood. I covered the Golden Globe awards in 2009, back when Kate Winslet was winning everything and forgetting Angelina Jolie's name.

Here are my observations from a night of watching the 2010 Golden Globe awards with Capricorn. Do not read if you haven't seen the list of winners (at bottom):

• Billy Butler is the homeless man's Ryan Seacrest, only the homeless man is also a talentless hack.
  
• A lavish award show seems kind of silly when you think about what's going on in Haiti, even though I'm sure we'll spend tonight hearing endless acceptance speeches about how it's an honor to win, but let's think about Haiti. Katrina was so five years ago. It's not like some of those people are still homeless or destitute or something.
  
• Already like Ricky Gervais ... except he stole all my jokes for the night. At least he didn't steal my Angelina Jol... ah, c'mon!
• I'll already say this: All the Glee nominees are going to annoy me, especially Lea Michele. As Toni Collette wins for Best Actress in a TV Comedy, I'm glad to see producers still haven't figured out how to arrange the tables so that winners have to play Frogger to get to the front.
  
• How can I get the job of walking the actresses up the steps to the stage? You spend the entire night holding the arm of beautiful women and getting on TV. Not a fun job: Mavis Spencer's presenter role, which evidently including standing around and looking clueless. The last time I saw a beautiful women look that unprepared and awkward stage, she was talking about "opposite marriage."
  
• The Princess and the Frog's animation looks like VHS in a Blu-ray world.
  
• Felicity Huffman can't remember her lines. At least she's not a professional actress.
  
• Time for Best Actor in a TV Drama. Michael C. Hall has a beanie. Jon Hamm has a beard. Bill Paxton has three wives. Hall wins, and the beanie is because he has Hodgkin's lymphoma. What's Hamm's beard excuse?
• January Jones wasn't nominated for her stint as an SNL host? But it went so well! "Who watches this #%&?" Capricorn wonders, as Anna Paquin is passed over for Juliana Margulies. Capricorn, now bitter that nobody we like is winning, has an idea. "We should have our own awards show. Only shows we watch are included. We don't get Showtime so none of them are nominated." According to this method, Jersey Shore and House Hunters would win a boatload.
  
• WTF, Harrison Ford? Heavy breathing. Awkward pacing. Weird glances. Bad jokes. Capricorn: "I feel like I'm going to get raped."
• "That was my beautiful girlfriend that I aspire to be like," Capricorn said after seeing a glimpse of Kate Winslet. Um, I think I just got dumped.
  
• It's to the point that Cher looks like a drag queen playing Cher.
• I imagine during commercial breaks there are all these famous actresses, like Kate Winslet and Helen Mirren, vying for a bathroom stall, and some random girl who snuck in, like Tara Reid, is hogging the toilet and trying not to get kicked out.
• Meryl Streep wins Best Actress in a Comedy, as Capricorn points out Sharon Stone, who said Meryl looks like "an unmade bed," wasn't winning any Golden Globes lately. Of course, Meryl's acceptance speech is three times as long as the Up guys, but you don't hear them bust out the "stop talking" music on her. I think that's against the unwritten rules.
  
• Side note: Capricorn has been singing "Cinema Italiano" from "Nine" over and over this entire time.
• Gerard Butler: "It's an honor for us to present this award together." Jennifer Aniston: "*pause*... Yep, it is." If that wasn't a one-night stand gone wrong awkwardness, I don't know what is ... District 9, which I loved, doesn't win Best Screenplay; Up in the Air wins. Capricorn says we better watch all of these random movies before the Oscars, as she remembers we were making fun of "Slumdog Millionaire" last year when it won. Good point. We better watch "The Ugly Truth."
  
• Steve Carell never wins for "The Office," even though he's nominated every year. Maybe that's why every time they call his name, he looks like he's going to cry.
  
• Cutting short the foreign language film director winner- that's ethnic intimidation, Golden Globe people.
  
• Big Love loses to Mad Men for best TV Series Drama. When will America start to embrace polygamy? ... Wait, they just did! Chloë Sevigny wins for Best Supporting Actress... I mean Chloi Sevigny, according to the graphic. Did she become a Japanese fish and not tell anyone? Or wasn't she satisfied with her umlaut?
  
• Martin Scorsese wins the Cecil B DeMille Award for his cameo appearance in Season 3 of Curb Your Enthusiasm. Oh, and for his movies. He thanks everyone for spending time and money "to preserve film." Was there some mass conspiracy to eliminate all movies that I missed? "Hey, it's the original copy of Wizard of Oz. Let's use it as a Frisbee."
• I was under the mistaken impression "The Hurt Locker" was about the time Slater punched a locker after he heard Preppy asked out Kelly to the prom first.
  
• I haven't seen "Avatar." I have no idea what it's about, except that the visuals are amazing and the storyline is mediocre. Which is the same thing you can say about porn. But, hey, James Cameron, good for you. Now you can afford a haircut and stop looking like the after-dinner entertainment for a luau.
  
• Glee beats out Capricorn's and my preference for Best Comedy, Modern Family (I would have been cool with Entourage, 30 Rock or The Office, too). Well, at least I won't have to endure #gleegotrobbed as a trending topic on Twitter all day Monday.
• Not going to be nominated next year: "When In Rome." Sorry, Kristen Bell.
• I hope Mike Tyson punches James Cameron in the face sometime tonight. Who wouldn't watch that? I'm very glad The Hangover won, but I think it's disgraceful they didn't invite the tiger on stage to accept the award.
  
• I think they should choose category winners by who will give good acceptance speeches. So, Sandra Bullock/Robert Downey Jr., yes, James Cameron/Drew Barrymore, no. Drunk Mickey Rourke gets a lifetime pass.
• Avatar wins the top honor of the night, as it should, considering it made enough money to save Haiti all on its own. (Hey, James Cameron wore a ribbon. Let's not go overboard with this charity stuff.) So nice of him to ask famous actors to applaud for themselves for entertaining people. Hey, with that in mind, how about all you bloggers give yourselves a big round of applause for entertaining each other. But don't actually applaud. Cause that's weird.
  

For your reference, here's the list of the 2010 Golden Globe winners:

Best Supporting Actress, Movie: Mo'Nique, Precious
Best Actress, TV Comedy Series/Miniseries: Toni Collette, United States of Tara
Best Supporting Actor, TV Series: John Lithgow, Dexter
Best Animated Feature: Up
Best Actor, TV Drama: Michael C Hall, Dexter
Best Actress, TV Drama: Juliana Margulies, The Good Wife
Best Original Song: "The Weary Kind", Crazy Heart
Best Original Score: Up
Best Mini-Series/TV Movie: Grey Gardens
Best Actress in a Movie Comedy: Meryl Streep, Julie and Julia
Best Actor, TV Miniseries or Movie: Kevin Bacon, Taking Chance
Best Actress, TV Miniseries or Movie: Drew Barrymore
Best Screenplay: Up In the Air writers
Best Actor, TV Comedy/Musical: Alec Baldwin, 30 Rock
Best Foreign Language Film: The White Ribbon
Best TV Series Drama: Mad Men
Best Supporting Actress, TV: Chloë Sevigny
Best Supporting Actor, Movie: Christoph Waltz, Inglorious Basterds
Cecil B. DeMille Award: Martin Scorsese
Best Director, Movie: James Cameron
Best TV Series, Comedy/Musical: Glee
Best Comedy/Musical Movie: The Hangover
Best Actress, Movie Drama: Sandra Bullock, The Blind Side
Best Actor, Movie Comedy: Robert Downey Jr., Sherlock Holmes
Best Actor, Movie Drama: Jeff Bridges, Crazy Heart
Best Movie, Drama: Avatar

To discuss a golden opportunity for awards commentary

The Hollywood Foreign Press Association, evidently undeterred and unimpressed by my own awards ceremony last week, held their own little affair last night.
Always on the look out to keep you updated, I was all over it like a spray tan on an actress.
Here are my observations from a night of the Golden Globe awards. Do not read if you haven't seen the list of winners:

• While watching the red carpet stuff with Ryan Seacrest, Megan Fox appeared. Capricorn thinks Megan is a beautiful actress, and many 14-year-old boys secret magazine stashes agree. Then Megan proceeded to say things like "Well, I have a 22-inch waist, so..." And now Capricorn wants to punch her in the face.
• The awards get underway quickly, but the presenters just read off the names with little fanfare. Me: "They're not showing video clips of the nominees?" Capricorn (matter of factly): "Babe, it's a recession."
• When did Sting become homeless? Roxanne's hiding in his beard.
  
• When's the last time Eva Longoria ate a carb? She makes Megan Fox look like the fat kid. And were her nipples surgically removed, because a dress that low-cut should be revealing them by now, and I'm concerned Tony Parker will have to breast feed his own child.
• In what became a theme for the night, the nominees no one thought would win were seated in the rear between the bathrooms and the kitchen. When they inevitably won, it would take five minutes for them to get to the stage, as none of the show producers thought it might be smart to follow basic fire code procedures and leave a straight path to anywhere.
• And the winner for Best Actor in a TV Drama is... Hugh Laurie? Jon Hamm? No! It's the guy in the very back on a show no one's heard of! Both of his fans must be going nucking futs!
  
• Drew Barrymore decided to A) become a lesbian for the night (she held hands with Jessica Lange all night) and B) bring back her hair-do from The Wedding Singer.... "I'm embarrassed for her," Capricorn said.
• If you could pick a few stars to sit with at the Golden Globes, who would it be? I chose Alec Baldwin, Steve Carell and Marisa Tomei. Capricorn chose Johnny Depp ("That is my boyfriend if you die, just so you know"), Miley and Billy Ray Cyrus and the Jonas Brothers. Then she informed me I wasn't invited to her table because "I can't be giving h-jobs to the Jonas Brothers with you sitting there." Fair point.
• And the winner for Best Supporting Actor in a Movie is... Heath Ledger!... "Heath's dead tonight, so I'll accept this award on his behalf." (Too soon? Should I make an Aaliyah or Left Eye joke instead?)
• Salma Hayek hasn't met a low-cut dress she didn't like.
• "Vicky Cristina Barcelona" wins Best Comedy, and for the viewers' pleasure, Woody Allen and Scarlett Johansson are nowhere to be found and Penelope Cruz is stuck in the back of the group on stage. I know it's a group effort blah blah blah but no one paid to see that movie because of the producer's agent and the costume designer. They went to see Scarlett and Penelope kiss, which should have been recreated, Madonna and Britney style, without the plummeting career aftermath.
• Kate Winslet, in total shock after winning Best Actress for Titanic II: I'll Never Let Go Oh Wait I Just Did My Bad You Died, thanks the other nominees... but forgets to name Angelina Jolie. Angelina forces a smile and mentally makes a note of ruining Kate's marriage, homewrecker style.
• And the winner of Best Picture-Drama is... Slumdog Millionaire? Really? We didn't get over Juno-itis yet with these little movies that could? Even in a recession, we're still outsourcing our products to India.

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