To discuss Academy Award commentary

I did live Twittering (Tweeting?) of the Oscars, an idea I had before I remembered the show is 65 hours long. But for those of you who aren't glued to Twitter, here's the highlights of my awards show commentary, just like the Grammys, except Brad Pitt didn't beat up Angelina Jolie beforehand. Capricorn adds her thoughts in, as well:

• I'm all for in-depth coverage, but E! started their stuff around lunchtime. You'd think with that kind of attention, they were previewing a plan for world peace or a presidential inauguration, but no, it was the highs and lows of Miley Cyrus' fashion decisions.
  
• Red carpet time, and Sarah Jessica Parker has to introduce husband. "This is Matthew Broderick," she says to the reporter. How sad that Ferris is second fiddle and needs to get pity questions asked so he feels included.
  
• Miley says she is obsessed with Angelina Jolie and wants to be adopted by her. Miley, I know that Vanity Fair photo spread made you look homeless and willowy, but Angelina only adopts children in need from other countries.
  
• Capricorn hears that Hugh Jackman is the host. "I miss ol' Billy Crystal," she says. And he misses employment.
• Hugh opens the show with a musical montage that at one point, I think, dabbles in a reproduction of a Missy Elliott video. "What the F is he doing?" Capricorn asks. Hugh says "It's ok to be gay," as a comment on "Milk," or perhaps as self-encouragement.
  
• I want the Oscars to be hosted by Muppets next year. Miss Piggy could hand out trophies, Animal and the band could play music, Gonzo could be Ryan Seacrest, and Kermit could do the opening number. Why can't this happen?
• Considering all of 15 people saw "Slumdog" when it was first released, people sure are creaming their pants over it now. I'm guessing it's not a bad movie, but it's not "Gone with the Wind."
  
• Jennifer Aniston walks on stage to present with Jack Black. "I want to see Brad and Angie right now," Capricorn says. Me: "Why?" Capricorn: "To see their faces." My guess is, Angelina is going to be all over Jack Black today because of this.... Oscar producers, why can't Jen introduce Best Actress? Give us what we want.
  
• A Japanese dude wins a random Oscar and gives an awkward speech full of "Sank you, sank you" and finishes with "Domo arigato Mr. Roboto." He just pushed back Japanese progress in American culture at least 40 years.
• Ben Stiller presents and is dressed as Joaquin Phoenix during his bizarre Letterman interview. The fake beard isn't the strange part. It's that Stiller didn't act over the top for the first time in his acting career.
  
• Of course, Beyonce has to perform, despite the fact she isn't nominated for anything. It does lead to the best part of the night, as all the Twitterers frothed in rage at her appearance.
  
• Capricorn is (unnecessarily?) excited about Christopher Walken making an appearance to present for Best Supporting Actor... I think the show is rigged- another presenter didn't even have the envelope open before he said, "Heath Ledger."
• The obligatory "People who died" montage, full of, "Oh, that guy is dead?" remarks. I'm waiting with baited breath for Heath's visage and the ensuing standing ovation. But... they don't include him? People had ants in their pants to honor Heath, and you don't give them every opportunity? Update- Yes, I know he died last January and was honored last year, but what's one more time?
  
• Kate Winslet wins Best Actress. Capricorn and I want Kate to forget Angelina's name again... instead, she talks trash on Meryl Streep. "You'll just have to suck it up," she tells Streep, for not winning this time. Streep secretly plans to end Kate's life.
• I hope Hugh's not getting paid for this gig. He's been on, like, three times.
• Steven Spielberg, the Best Picture presenter, starts blathering about how movies change the world and are the celluloid fabric of us all. I know movies are fun, but let's keep this in perspective: Their "craft" is available for $3.99 a month on Netflix.
• "Slumdog" wins Best Picture. Regis Philbin jumps with glee at his home, hoping people are awaiting a "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire" return to primetime. Regis, we all know Ryan Seacrest would host it this time around... even though I'd prefer Kermit.
  

To discuss a golden opportunity for awards commentary

The Hollywood Foreign Press Association, evidently undeterred and unimpressed by my own awards ceremony last week, held their own little affair last night.
Always on the look out to keep you updated, I was all over it like a spray tan on an actress.
Here are my observations from a night of the Golden Globe awards. Do not read if you haven't seen the list of winners:

• While watching the red carpet stuff with Ryan Seacrest, Megan Fox appeared. Capricorn thinks Megan is a beautiful actress, and many 14-year-old boys secret magazine stashes agree. Then Megan proceeded to say things like "Well, I have a 22-inch waist, so..." And now Capricorn wants to punch her in the face.
• The awards get underway quickly, but the presenters just read off the names with little fanfare. Me: "They're not showing video clips of the nominees?" Capricorn (matter of factly): "Babe, it's a recession."
• When did Sting become homeless? Roxanne's hiding in his beard.
  
• When's the last time Eva Longoria ate a carb? She makes Megan Fox look like the fat kid. And were her nipples surgically removed, because a dress that low-cut should be revealing them by now, and I'm concerned Tony Parker will have to breast feed his own child.
• In what became a theme for the night, the nominees no one thought would win were seated in the rear between the bathrooms and the kitchen. When they inevitably won, it would take five minutes for them to get to the stage, as none of the show producers thought it might be smart to follow basic fire code procedures and leave a straight path to anywhere.
• And the winner for Best Actor in a TV Drama is... Hugh Laurie? Jon Hamm? No! It's the guy in the very back on a show no one's heard of! Both of his fans must be going nucking futs!
  
• Drew Barrymore decided to A) become a lesbian for the night (she held hands with Jessica Lange all night) and B) bring back her hair-do from The Wedding Singer.... "I'm embarrassed for her," Capricorn said.
• If you could pick a few stars to sit with at the Golden Globes, who would it be? I chose Alec Baldwin, Steve Carell and Marisa Tomei. Capricorn chose Johnny Depp ("That is my boyfriend if you die, just so you know"), Miley and Billy Ray Cyrus and the Jonas Brothers. Then she informed me I wasn't invited to her table because "I can't be giving h-jobs to the Jonas Brothers with you sitting there." Fair point.
• And the winner for Best Supporting Actor in a Movie is... Heath Ledger!... "Heath's dead tonight, so I'll accept this award on his behalf." (Too soon? Should I make an Aaliyah or Left Eye joke instead?)
• Salma Hayek hasn't met a low-cut dress she didn't like.
• "Vicky Cristina Barcelona" wins Best Comedy, and for the viewers' pleasure, Woody Allen and Scarlett Johansson are nowhere to be found and Penelope Cruz is stuck in the back of the group on stage. I know it's a group effort blah blah blah but no one paid to see that movie because of the producer's agent and the costume designer. They went to see Scarlett and Penelope kiss, which should have been recreated, Madonna and Britney style, without the plummeting career aftermath.
• Kate Winslet, in total shock after winning Best Actress for Titanic II: I'll Never Let Go Oh Wait I Just Did My Bad You Died, thanks the other nominees... but forgets to name Angelina Jolie. Angelina forces a smile and mentally makes a note of ruining Kate's marriage, homewrecker style.
• And the winner of Best Picture-Drama is... Slumdog Millionaire? Really? We didn't get over Juno-itis yet with these little movies that could? Even in a recession, we're still outsourcing our products to India.

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Thanks to all those who participating in Word Verification Friday- there's still time if you want to join. A special Mad Libs will be made with the definitions.