To discuss a golden opportunity for awards commentary

The Hollywood Foreign Press Association, evidently undeterred and unimpressed by my own awards ceremony last week, held their own little affair last night.
Always on the look out to keep you updated, I was all over it like a spray tan on an actress.
Here are my observations from a night of the Golden Globe awards. Do not read if you haven't seen the list of winners:

• While watching the red carpet stuff with Ryan Seacrest, Megan Fox appeared. Capricorn thinks Megan is a beautiful actress, and many 14-year-old boys secret magazine stashes agree. Then Megan proceeded to say things like "Well, I have a 22-inch waist, so..." And now Capricorn wants to punch her in the face.
• The awards get underway quickly, but the presenters just read off the names with little fanfare. Me: "They're not showing video clips of the nominees?" Capricorn (matter of factly): "Babe, it's a recession."
• When did Sting become homeless? Roxanne's hiding in his beard.
  
• When's the last time Eva Longoria ate a carb? She makes Megan Fox look like the fat kid. And were her nipples surgically removed, because a dress that low-cut should be revealing them by now, and I'm concerned Tony Parker will have to breast feed his own child.
• In what became a theme for the night, the nominees no one thought would win were seated in the rear between the bathrooms and the kitchen. When they inevitably won, it would take five minutes for them to get to the stage, as none of the show producers thought it might be smart to follow basic fire code procedures and leave a straight path to anywhere.
• And the winner for Best Actor in a TV Drama is... Hugh Laurie? Jon Hamm? No! It's the guy in the very back on a show no one's heard of! Both of his fans must be going nucking futs!
  
• Drew Barrymore decided to A) become a lesbian for the night (she held hands with Jessica Lange all night) and B) bring back her hair-do from The Wedding Singer.... "I'm embarrassed for her," Capricorn said.
• If you could pick a few stars to sit with at the Golden Globes, who would it be? I chose Alec Baldwin, Steve Carell and Marisa Tomei. Capricorn chose Johnny Depp ("That is my boyfriend if you die, just so you know"), Miley and Billy Ray Cyrus and the Jonas Brothers. Then she informed me I wasn't invited to her table because "I can't be giving h-jobs to the Jonas Brothers with you sitting there." Fair point.
• And the winner for Best Supporting Actor in a Movie is... Heath Ledger!... "Heath's dead tonight, so I'll accept this award on his behalf." (Too soon? Should I make an Aaliyah or Left Eye joke instead?)
• Salma Hayek hasn't met a low-cut dress she didn't like.
• "Vicky Cristina Barcelona" wins Best Comedy, and for the viewers' pleasure, Woody Allen and Scarlett Johansson are nowhere to be found and Penelope Cruz is stuck in the back of the group on stage. I know it's a group effort blah blah blah but no one paid to see that movie because of the producer's agent and the costume designer. They went to see Scarlett and Penelope kiss, which should have been recreated, Madonna and Britney style, without the plummeting career aftermath.
• Kate Winslet, in total shock after winning Best Actress for Titanic II: I'll Never Let Go Oh Wait I Just Did My Bad You Died, thanks the other nominees... but forgets to name Angelina Jolie. Angelina forces a smile and mentally makes a note of ruining Kate's marriage, homewrecker style.
• And the winner of Best Picture-Drama is... Slumdog Millionaire? Really? We didn't get over Juno-itis yet with these little movies that could? Even in a recession, we're still outsourcing our products to India.

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Thanks to all those who participating in Word Verification Friday- there's still time if you want to join. A special Mad Libs will be made with the definitions.

To discuss cutting down on TV like I'm the lumberjack and the TV is the wood

I am just now starting to get back into the swing of things after a crazy couple of weekends away. So, I apologize if I haven't been leaving comments on your blogs/not returning your calls/forgetting your birthday/leaving my fly down... things should be better now.

One by-product (opposed to bi-product, who likes girls and boys) of this recently is that I have barely watched any television. Tonight was the first time I watched any primetime TV at all, and even that was Tivo'd stuff. The truth is, I didn't really miss not watching TV. In fact, I think I'd be better off if I cut down some of my TV watching anyway... perhaps to a cycle of 10 shows that are always worth watching (based on what's on right now).
For any other shows, I won't make serious attempts to catch them, and instead use that time to return calls, zip up my fly, read books, or write letters to Capricorn about how her eyes are like the stars or something totally dreamy like that.
Hmmm.
I think this could be doable.

In no particular order:
1) The Office... Even when it's uneven, it's still better than most.
2) It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia... They had an episode about kidnapping a newspaper reporter last week. Needless to say, it was amazing. I've never seen one show tackle so many taboo subjects with reckless abandon- racism, religion, alcoholism, cannibalism- you name it. And Danny DeVito is amazing on it...trust me... especially when he runs an illegal gambling ring in which people bet eyeballs and fingers.
3) How I Met Your Mother...One of the few shows that focuses directly on 20somethings and actually sounds like 20somethings.
4) House... Well, I have to have at least one good drama, even if they violate every ethical code a doctor can have in every episode.
5) America's Next Top Model... I have to have at least one trashy show, right? Tyra is way out of control this year. Seriously. Another Play by Play of the show may be in the works.
6) Big Bang Theory... Not enough people watch this show, even though it's always funny and intellectual. Plus, Penny is hot.
7) Saturday Night Live... Because it's funny again..."Hi goat. Say hey to your motha for me."
8) Heroes... I need at least one of those trendy shows. I don't watch "Lost" and never caught on to "Mad Men," and missed the boat on "I Love Lucy."
9) Grey's Anatomy... Not because it's truly good TV, but because I've seen too many episodes and need to know what's going on... And because I hope they kill off Meredith. All the time. Like, kill her. So she can stop whining about difficult her life is when she's a doctor and is dating McDreamy. And so I don't have to keep imagining her face as God's template for making squirrels and chipmunks.
10) This one is up to you. What would you add to the list?

To discuss me being a potential trendsetter, plus a Weekend Update

It seems like I’m apologizing a lot lately on here, as per the previous post. Coincidentally, my apologies began right around the time I started dating Capricorn. I blame it all on her*...
That is, except for Bailey spilling tea on my laptop and causing the keyboard to spit out letters like a veritable word verification spam preventer. A sample of me trying to type:
SFLKNC. CVBMV. WERH?
(Translation: Bailey is an idiot. But he’s still cute. Can I really get mad at him?) Fortunately, I’m still got my work computer, but I can only write on this so much. I love you guys, but I'd rather not try to get fired, unless you can pay my rent (Wait, would you? That would be awesome. I’ll spot you next month, I promise. And by next month, I mean never. And by never, I mean there’s a better chance that the federal government would hand over nearly a trillion dollars to Wall Street moguls who already laid waste to billions of dollars, with no real way to make them pay it back. And by that, I mean that's a reality and we’re screwed. And by that, I mean I wonder if I can ask the federal government to bail me out since I’ve spent just as wrecklessly as Merrill Lynch. Help a brother out, Uncle Sam. You're my uncle. We're family.)

If my laptop doesn’t work again tonight, I’ll likely take two courses of action. One, cry the salty tears of hindsight. Two, bust out my typewriter. What’s that? A typewriter? You bet your ass I own a typewriter. Not one of those antique ones that weigh 50 pounds. An electronic one that has correction tape (which sort of works). The pitter-patter of the keys pounding the paper is a feast for the ears, its black-tongued keys striking white a festival for the eyes.
So, there's a good chance I will write a blog entry on my typewriter and scan it in tomorrow at work. That’s got to be a blogging first, right? I’m practically the Wright Brothers of blogging, sans the incredible handlebar mustaches and museum in my honor. Would you look forward to something like that? You don’t have to tell me. I can hear the heavy breathing now.

Just in case I don’t get to it, the Weekend Update:

Highs:

• Cooking dinner for Capricorn (chicken parmesan with sauteed mushrooms), and having it actually taste good.
• Catching up on the season premieres of Heroes (lots of good plot points developing), How I Met Your Mother (Barney never ceases to amaze me), The New Adventures of Old Christine (Julia Louis Dreyfus may actually be funnier now than on Seinfeld, and that’s saying something) and watching MTV’s The Island, in which Rachel Robinson, the same person I interviewed this week, gets kicked off.
• Winning my fantasy football game this week. I’m 4-0, baby. Capricorn didn’t seem to be as excited, although she's under the mistaken impression that I’m going to give all the winnings at the end of the season to her. Crazy girl.
• Getting an award from Diane, who is full of sunshine and moonbeams in my view. Considering how much I enjoy her blog-- she had a great post about Target recently-- it’s high praise, indeed. I’m going to give out the same award to five people later this week, as per tradition.

Lows:

• Catching up on the season premieres of Big Bang Theory (It was funny, but they are making Sheldon into an increasingly unlikeable and annoying person that nobody likes) and The Office (Yes, it’s still one of my favorites, but here’s the thing. I watched the original three episodes with Capricorn this weekend, and I remembered why I love the show- it was so irreverant and didn’t take itself seriously. Now, it’s almost like the characters are too aware and too involved, and some things felt a little forced. I would like Here Comes Treble to sing at my wedding, however).
  
• Visit to the post office. What a depressing place. Nobody smiles at the post office, perhaps because they all realize that the only reason they are there is because e-mail has failed them. And that they’ll have to pay to send something that would be free online.
• Going to Wal-Mart at midnight on Saturday and winning the Most Teeth title. That's not a stereotype. That quite literally happened. No gum was purchased that night, I am sure of it.
  

* Obviously, I don't. I've been smiling all week like an idiot. She makes me want to handwrite notes, fold them up and pass them to her during study hall...

To discuss a letter to TiVo

Dear TiVo:
Dude, you’re the best.
This week, all because of new girlfriend related time, I have missed the following premieres: Heroes, How I Met Your Mother, Big Bang Theory, Two and a Half Men, House, The Office and 30 Rock.
All of them are resting right now in your digital bosom. And when I go to watch a bunch of them in a marathon viewing tonight by myself, you won’t be resentful that I spent the past nights cuddling in the bosom of another woman. You won’t nag me about how I neglected you all week, even though you put your sexiest TV on and stayed up all night waiting for me.
Sure, we’ve had our rough times. There was the occasional misfire on your half, when you forgot to record a season finale or two and I threatened to go Office Space on you. But you’ve made up for it, by letting me rewind a touchdown play, fast forward through commercials for Oxiclean, or pause when a friend spots gratuitous cleavage unrelated to plot, also known as every episode of "Ghost Whisperer."
So tonight, TiVo, it’s all about you and that fun little “bloop” sound you make as I scroll through your brightly colored options. I know other DVRs will be jealous. But its just you and me, TiVo. I promise I’ll fast forward through Worst Week Ever after Two and a Half Men is through.

Andy

P.S. If you forgot to record The Office I will #%¢#% murder you.

Double Post Script: I'm sorry for making you record Sunset Tan every week. You know I'm addicted to it. Those Olly twins just never learn their lesson. And we all know Nick is going to come out of the closet any day now.

To discuss Michael Phelps staying poolside

Dear Michael Phelps:
First off, in the interest of honesty, let me say that after you won eight freaking medals at the Olympics this summer, I basically am required to have a man crush on you. Not in the, "Hey, let's go back to my place and do it Brokeback style," kind of way- that's gay (Not that there's anything wrong with that... and not to say you aren't an excellent lover... I'm sure you are... It's just that I'm not into the gay stuff... Mikey, whoh, don't misunderstand me... I don't know what you do...if that's what you're into, I mean, I know you hang out with dudes in Speedos all day and maybe you play a little Marco Polo in each others wet suits or whatever... but, you know, I'm just not a man who likes dudes like that.)
Where was I Mike?
Oh yeah, you dominating your Olympic competitors like they were little girls. Mikey, you are a true child predator of the pool- those little girls stood no chance. You just kept lapping them up, no matter how fast they stroked. You always touched first.*
So, Mike, when I heard you were hosting Saturday Night Live's season premiere, I was excited, as was Ladyfriend**. Lil Wayne was the musical guest, and his songs are dirty and hard and gritty, the good stuff you listen to get pumped up, whether it's right before a 4x400 relay race, like you said you did, or, in my case, to get pumped up to grocery shop at Super Wal-mart.
The show starts, Mike, with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler doing dead-on political commentary on Palin and Clinton. Classic.
Then... you introduced the show.
By introduced, I mean slowly read off the cue card like the poster child for another 12 years of No Child Left Behind. I'm a little worried you have a speech impediment. Can chlorine do that? I should investigate.
Sure, Mike, you were in funny bits-- The T-Mobile sketch, the 12,000 calorie sketch-- but, good God man, I've seen better acting in sixth-grade productions of the Christmas Carol***. I'm not asking you to be Peyton Manning-as-host funny. I'm just asking you to at least be Nancy Kerrigan-as-host funny. And, you know, learn to not stare at the cue cards like it's your first rehearsal (Wait, was it? I'd go with that if that's the case.)
Nobody's expecting you to be a top-flight actor. No one will care, anyway, as long as you keep winning medals and celebrating with wild, muscle-rippling fist pumps so girls can literally watch your abs with more intensity than an episode of Grey's Anatomy.
But try not to do improv again. Even in the two sketches where you played mentally deficient kids, you gave a bad name to mentally deficient kids.
Best of luck in London!

Andy

* Ticket to hell: Priceless.
** A quick update: I hung out with Ladyfriend again Saturday night (I did tell her how you all have thrown your support behind her). We made breakfast for dinner- French toast, sausage, bacon, blueberry muffins.. jealous?- and watched the magic that is "Once." All good times. Also, my dog did not bite her, which is a plus. This concludes the update, you voyeur.
*** You know what's an under-appreciated version of A Christmas Carol? The Muppet Christmas Carol. It's amazing. The penguin Christmas party! The Christmas goose! Marley and Marley!

To discuss catching up on TV and my life on a T-shirt

I didn't catch any of Sarah Palin's speech last night. Judging by comments I've read on your blogs, she was either inspiring or full of it; either way, I would've been more impressed if she challenged Joe Biden to a sudden death hockey shootout, winner takes the White House. Either way, sorry I missed it- I was working and didn't get home until 1:15 a.m. It's been a little crazy around here, since Barack Obama is in town touring a power plant and pretending to relate to people who make much, much less than him.
That late night session means I haven't yet watched the season premiere of American's Next Top Model, and that makes my insides hurt a little bit. That show is perfect fodder for a Play by Play- I have it Tivo'd, though... should I do a PxP anyway?

Ok, to my thought of the day- I was at a high school earlier this week talking to students. Many of these teens, as you might expect, will fail miserably in life wore shirts with witty phrases on them- you know, the crap we wore at that age, which for me means about a decade ago (that also makes my insides hurt a little bit). I never understood people who wear shirts advertising fake things- fake teams, fake cities, fake orgasms. Also, I never understood girls who wore very, very low cut shirts and then complain that boys don't respect them.
The one shirt that caught my eye read something like, "Partying since 1988." Being egotistical and neurotic, I immediately thought of what T-shirt slogan would describe my major life events. Here's what I have so far, bearing in mind I was born in 1983... Imagine the top saying "Andy..." then below, this:

• Fumbling first kisses since 1997
• Meeting mediocre expectations since 1983
• Considering changing majors since graduating in 2005
• Overcompensating for no particular reason since 1983
• Making hollow promises to Jesus about changing my ways since 1997
• Shaving off that same stupid, random hair on my shoulder since 2004
• Maintaining a failed sense of accomplishment since 2001
• Hiding a secret desire to sing in NSync since 1999
• Incorrectly guessing girls' ages since 2005
• Making questionable life decisions since 1983
• Overspending at Banana Republic and then cursing myself since 1998
• Living with oversized feet and facial features since 1983
• Consistently the "nice guy" girls tell their boy problems to since 1995

What are yours?

To discuss The Hills and what TV used to mean to us

Ok, so this is what I've learned from yesterday's post comments: Do not make fun of The Hills. Sure, it's based on a made up feud, shows spoiled girls working at fake jobs and highlights girls with fake boobs (I'm talking to you, Heidi Montag), but there are dedicated viewers out there who don't like me taking their show to task. Understood. We'll agree to disagree.
But think of this. There is now an entire generation of teenagers who, in 10 years, will speak of The Hills, Hannah Montana, Punk'd, and Family Guy like we do about the shows we grew up on. Isn't that scary? What's that you say, Andy? Give a list of the 10 shows people in their 20s identify as "their shows"? I'm nothing if not a man who fulfills wishes (and crushes dreams).
Now, this is not a Top 10 list of the best shows of our generation. That's another day. This is the shows that I look at now and say, I grew up on that (keeping in mind that I'm 25). I think that's why I worry about The Hills- it looks like the crap that these top 10 shows spit on in comparison. Of course, so is Making the Band.

1. Full House: This isn't even debatable. I'm fairly certain I've seen every episode. In hindsight, isn't it strange that Danny Tanner let an adult single male, Joey, live with his teenage daughters? How did DJ and Joey not hook up at least once? I think that should have happened at least once, with Joey doing his Popeye voice right in the middle of them screwing while DJ worries that Joey think she looks too fat and has to become anorexic again. Then Stephanie can barge in and say "How Rude!" because Joey won't give in to her offer of a ménage à trois with Kimmy Gibler. I think that sounds like a winner. They can even play the sappy music when Danny sits Joey and DJ down and talks to them about being responsible adults as he hands them birth control. Am I right?
2. Seinfeld: Not everyone gets this show, I know that. But for our generation, I think there was a lot to identify with, mostly because it was so random and didn't take itself seriously (Not that there's anything wrong with that). Most high school guys I knew at the time would quote Seinfeld all the time- What's the deal with Ovaltine?
   
3. Family Matters: What is most interesting about Family Matters is that it didn't start out with Steven Urkel. He came in later and stole the show...I'm still trying to figure out what happened to the youngest kids on that show. Depending on the season, they just disappeared. And then there was that plot point of Urkel turning into Stephon.
   
4. Simpsons: I'm not a huge fan of this show. Actually, I wasn't allowed to watch it when I was younger (that, and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles). But it'd be foolish not to include it here.
5. Fresh Prince of Bel Air: Now this is the story all about how my life got flipped turned upside down... You know what? I bet you know the entire theme song. And that makes me like you even more. Let's make out.
6. Saved by the Bell: I think this show truly defines our TV viewing. All the girls loved Zack or Slater. All the boys wanted Kelly to have that modeling gig she earned in France turn into a porn career. And none of us saw it coming that Screech, out of everyone, would end up doing a sex tape one day.
7. Boy Meets World: Ok, I'm sure I'll post about this another day, but Topanga quite possibly could have taken the crown away from Kelly Kapowski as the hottest character on TV. I mean, her freakin name is Topanga. And that Corey- always getting into trouble with Mr. Feeney. He'll just never learn, will he?
   
8. Step by Step: What's funny is that I had no idea Patrick Duffy and Suzanne Somers had careers before Step by Step. For all I knew, that was their first role.
   
9. Salute Your Shorts: How about Donkey Lips is my friend on MySpace? He's a rapper now. That show might have been Nickelodeon's finest work. Camp Anawanna, I do hold you in my heart.
   
10. SNICK: Saturday night line-up on Nickelodeon really sums it up- Alex Mack, Clarissa Explains It All, Roundhouse, All That, Are You Afraid of the Dark, etc. There wasn't a better place to be. That line-up was for us, by us.

Now, you're looking at this list and saying, Andy, dude, what is wrong with you. You forgot____. Well, then, let me know. Comment away. Some of the shows that didn't make the list: Doug, Wonder Years, TRL, Friends, I Love Lucy and Perry Mason...