To discuss a two-part Weekend Update: Part II

This is the second part of an extended Weekend Update. Check here for Part I.

• I've had more musical practices for "Sound of Music." Even in a musical, it's ridiculous having children singing all about "jam and bread." That sounds straight out of "Barney" or "The Elephant Show."*
  
• My director wants me to grow a mustache for my role as Max. I did not inquire if he wants the mustache to have handlebars, entice children, lead to porn star roles or give me an upperhand on any possible Magnum P.I. movies. To reduce Capricorn's embarrassment level and to prevent myself from getting mistaken for a Megan's Law offender, I'm growing a goatee and will shave the bottom half right before the show. That still gives me several days with only a mustache (yes, there will be photos), but I plan on singing on command for anyone who is dubious of my explanation.
  
• It's a shame Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin 'stache.
• Capricorn has started moving things in, and has an entire wall-length closet to herself. It is my hope she doesn't soon decide that's not enough space and force me to remove the clothes from my closet and store them outside. We're looking at 50/50 odds.
• Capricorn and I hit the eight month mark on Saturday. We're firmly entrenched in the "too many months to make it worth noticing, not enough months to make it worth celebrating." We're in relationship purgatory. I imagine this is how Catholics celebrate most anniversaries, except with an added dose of guilt.
• In a family outing of sorts, my brother, sister and her boyfriend, Capricorn and I went out to lunch Sunday, then to my brother's new place to play Wii. We all had little to no experience Wii-ing, so it was more a comedy of errors. I recommend Wii Play and its Duck Hunt mini-game, although the updated version of this classic has far fewer ducks and now includes beer cans to shoot at.... There was also a racial profiling mini-game, where you are supposed to pick out people in a group who look alike, a game I'm sure is used to train airport security. To hit the red state trifecta, there was also a mini-game where you ride a cow, as Nintendo evidently missed the memo that you are supposed to save the horse by riding a cowboy.*
• We took a group trip to IKEA. At the mere mention of my IKEA visit to neighbors and to Facebook friends, I got "I'm jealous" reactions, which makes me wonder if having a job at IKEA is akin to retail utopia.
• If IKEA bought Ford and Chevy, I think we might just pull Detroit out of its funk, although United Auto Workers would suffer massive layoffs. "Sweet ride, dude. The Chevy IMMPÄLLA is a real smooth ride... and can be assembled in 8 simply steps with just a screwdriver!"**
• I fulfilled my promise to Capricorn by going to the doctor to get a check-up (haven't had one in years) and to see about my headaches. The doctor enters the room...Doctor: "So... you're here for a check-up?" Me: "Yep." Doctor: "I don't get a lot of 26-year-olds coming in for check-ups. You really want a check-up?" Me (now worried I did something wrong): "Um, yep." Doctor: "You sure that's what you need?" Me: (He knows about the meth! He knows about the meth!) "Yeah, that's what I want." ... Eventually I told him about the headaches and whatnot and everything was fine. I do have to go in for some bloodwork, which I hope will be done by Olivia Wilde.***

* Skinamarinkydinkydink is street for "I'd hit it." Don't let Bram fool you. He wasn't singing that to Sharon and Lois for nothing.
* That would be a top-selling Wii game. You'd buy it. Be honest.
*** It can be picked up in Aisle 33, Bin 3. Right next to the Ford EXPPLLÖRERD.
**** Just kidding Capricorn. I'd settle for Katherine Heigl.*****
***** But not the Heigl whose character has sex with dead people and has brain cancer. First season Heigl.

Bonus for IKEA fanatics: Visit this site. Thank me later.

To discuss a Week(long) Update: Hospitals, Furloughs and I'm an idiot

Rather than a small, day-old Weekend Update, I need to recap what happened to me all of last week, if only so I can look back at this post five years from now and remember.

Monday: Find out our company is instituting five-day furloughs (forced, unpaid days off, like a temporary lay-off). Actually, we found out just before we left work Friday, so we'd have the weekend to freak out about it and be calm by Monday. That plan, just like in Office Space, doesn't work. We were still buzzing about it like furloughs are the new Watchmen.

Five unpaid days means I'll have to be even tighter on a budget that right now consists of me going: "I'd love to get the $5 footlong, as the advertising jingle makes the sandwich seem both irresistible and financially viable, but that's an extra $1.50 I shouldn't really spend. Six-inch, please." And that's with me being fully employed with no kids. Capricorn is still several years away from being my sugar momma, so I'll instead have to cut back for now. This means fewer Shamrock Shakes. I'm not sure how to break the news to McDonalds and their employees, who will likely need to be furloughed.

Spent a long, long night watching three hours of "The Bachelor," which was ABC's way of punishing Americans for their sins. They could've edited everything into 20 minutes of programming. At least it made for good play-by-plays.

Tuesday: For the second Tuesday in a row, I get a migraine headache, even though I never used to get a migraine.

It's an odd feeling, because I started out the day with a mild headache, the kind usually reserved for putting off sexual relations. By the end of the work day, my eyes had trouble focusing, all the lights seemed bright, my temples were pulsing and I felt feverish. Most people would pass this off as a case of the VH1's, but I don't drink like those people. I spent much of the evening napping... which creates problems when it's actually time to go to sleep. Fortunately, I had American Idol on Tivo and Shamwow infomercials to keep me company. Side note: Capricorn is buying a Shamwow for me. I want one. Badly.

Wednesday: I was tired but felt better. That is, until late in the afternoon when I got a call from my mom about my younger brother being taken to the emergency room for a collapsed lung. Considering he's a healthy, strong guy, this was crazy talk, but I brushed off the notion that my mom had suddenly lost her mind. That only happens to Britney. I left work early and spent the next several hours with my bro, who wasn't in life-or-death state but wasn't in great shape either. Or, better put, on a scale of one to death, he was a 6.

His co-workers and my sister came, too, as we're the closest family members by distance. This does beg the question, if you were admitted to the hospital with a severe condition, who do you think would be the first three people to arrive, and would you necessarily want it to be those three? Ponder this.

I left after everything got under control, and spent the next few hours doing the Top Model play-by-play, partly to calm down, partly for all of you.

Thursday: Work was incredibly busy, so much so that I couldn't leave early to go back to the hospital (about 30 minutes away). Eventually, I left and spent several more hours with my bro, who was under all kinds of pain medication that I'm sure high schoolers are using to get high these days. At this point, my bro had figured out when the hot nurses were on shift and tried to time the pain medication delivery for when they were around. He was sick, but not stupid. Also find out that tall, skinny males like him are prone to collapsed lungs, which makes me fear for NBA players, Conan O'Brien and Cameron Diaz.
Came back late and spent another long night on Top Model and The Office blogs.

Friday: Find out that instead of the 30 days to vacate notice I assumed was needed for my landlord (lease is up end of March), I actually was required to give 60 days, so I'll be paying double rent in April after I move. Considering this was purely me being an idiot, I'm thrilled with myself, as I haven't seen money that quickly wasted since Congress did... well, just about anything in the past three months.

By now, furlough has become the word de jour in the office, and we are using it as a verb, adjective, adverb and everything else: "Hey, is so-and-so out sick today?" "Nope, he was furloughing." "I ran out of tampons." "Just put your period on furlough." I also staged an emergency furlough drill in which I huddled under my desk and covered my head.

Went to the hospital, this time with Capricorn. My mom, aunt and cousin drove in from a few hours away as well. In my family, we get together for holidays, deaths and hospital visits. I think it's my turn to get gravely ill next time. It's how you keep a family strong. That, and gossiping.

Saturday: Capricorn's parents came to my town so she and I could show them the apartment we'll be living in together. The spare bedroom is being renamed the "Blog Room," which will kind of be my Fortress of Solitude, except I won't wear a cape yeah, I will when I'm there. The parents like the place, and take us out to dinner afterward. Free meal? Sign me up!

Sunday: Spent most of the day going, "Wow, why is it so late already?" before remembering Daylight Saving Time is over. Spent the other part of the day reading Cosmo (recap here) and Maxim (recap soon), and realizing how awesome my girlfriend is for being cool with me reading Cosmo and Maxim. And how confused she must be. Also, I put up a new poll asking for your advice.
My brother finally comes home from the hospital, now doing better. He also gave one of the hot nurses his number, despite the fact he spent several days hooked up to tubes with a bedpan nearby. I'm proud of him on multiple levels.

So... yeah, it's been a little off-the-wall. I'd ask for a do-over, but I'd rather reserve that for when things really get bad. Or when Kim Kardashian gets her own NBC sitcom.

To discuss There's Something about Abused Puppies, and Why Cheating is Acceptable

First off, chill. Abused puppies, bad. Cheating, bad.. Let's take a deep breath...
This is a hodgepodge of things that happened over the holiday weekend; I'm writing about it now because, on very few occasions, I do actually hang out with real, live people and don't get to a computer. Fortunately for you, these cases are rare and shouldn't interrupt this blog often. God help us if I get a girlfriend. She'll have to understand priorities.*

I spent a big chunk of the weekend in Baltimore (B-Vegas? Can I make that happen, too?) with Sister and her Yorkie Poo (which, unlike the breed name, does not mean a Yorkie that stepped in a toilet). Since I took my chiweenie down with me, he actually had another dog to play with for once, a fact he greatly enjoyed. He's been worrying me some because he's been licking his paws like there's chocolate inside, so anything to distract him is helpful...
And that leads us to Web site visit number 1:
Petfinder.com
On a whim, Sister and I perused the site looking at potential female dogs to adopt for Bailey to play around with/hump with vigor while I'm at work... The dog has to be about the same size, or he freaks out, so that limits our options to chihuahua mixes or tiny furballs that I want to name Swiffer.
Petfinder did not disappoint, with lots of cute dogs around. But, disturbingly, they have lots of animal shelters that don't exactly know how to market their pets...First off, I'm greatly bewildered at the phrase "high-kill shelter," as in "poodle saved from a high-kill shelter."... Couldn't you call it a "low adoption rate shelter" or something nicer? High kill shelter makes it sound like they are slaughtering puppies Cruella de Ville style. Hey, there are dead puppies everywhere, want to adopt the one that survived the canine holocaust?
Other choice options include:

• Cameron Diaz (in sad photo). Not the actress. This 4-year-old Yorkie's name is Cameron Diaz. That name, technically, would make it perfect for my horny Chiweenie, because it sounds as if the Yorkie, like Diaz, is prone to getting sperm on her head (and also underachieving, but let's hope that's just the actress and not the dog). But the real issue here is how they describe the appalling crap CD went through, none of which makes her sound appealing: "I am very, very scared of humans...I don't bark because the people that owned the mill where I came from decided to debark me. This is a terrible procedure that is done with a metal pipe...I am potty trained and will even make a strange noise when I need to go to the bathroom." . Are you f'in kidding me? Who shoves a pipe down Cameron Diaz's throat**? I can just hear the sound that dog makes, and it sounds like death.
• Cagney: She's a 5-year-old Miniature Pin./Chihuahua... and she was abused by the Amish! Just read this: "I was rescued with a 6 month old Pekingese that had been strangled so hard that her eye popped out of it's socket. The Pekingese died several months after she was released." Sweet Jesus in the morning...Who DOES that? "The Amish people did not treat us kindly and our bodies are evidence to that." Did the Amish rape Cagney? Is she tainted goods now? "I had a dental (procedure) that caused me to lose every other tooth in my mouth so when I smile, which I do quite a bit, I look like an old comb." So, let me get this straight- this dog survived some kind of Amish torture chamber where she may or may not have been touched in her private spot, and her smile reminds people of broken combs.... Sign me up!

Needless to say, I did not get another dog... yet. I'll keep you updated. So, Sister and I also took a trip to a Boscov's (a major department store here, like a Macy's or JCPenney or Kohl's) in Delaware because it's going out of business. The last time and only other time I was in Delaware, it was because my brother got us lost on the way back from NYC- Pittsburgh is almost straight west of NYC. My brother went south. Good times.
Anyway- Boscov's had their freakin Christmas display up. It was only Labor Day. I don't want to see any nuts cracking or lights twinkling yet. None. And I like Christmas. A lot. Baby Jesus' birth fills my belly with jovial goodness. But not at Labor Day...
During our car ride, Sister had on the Howard Stern show, and an ad came up for..
Website number 2:
ashleymadison.com
Check it out at some point, although maybe not at work (no nudity, but your moral fiber may vomit all over your work computer and you'll have to pay for it). This site is for people not satisfied in their current relationships, and are looking to hook up with other people in relationships....To recap, I can't even get one girlfriend, and these people want TWO! They don't even try to hide what they are doing. In fact, the web site's philosophy is that these people deserve happiness outside of their relationship. Um, couldn't you just break up with that person first? You know, man up? Or at least use Craiglist's miscellaneous encounters*** and keep it low key?
The world is a scary, scary place.... now, where's that metal pipe I was looking for?

* To future girlfriends: By priorities, I mean you look pretty today/is that a new haircut/I love that shirt/I'll cook, you rest.
** Shame, shame on you for taking that pervertedly. We're talking about abused puppies here.
*** Don't ask me why I know about this. No, I haven't used it. I'm four, maybe five years away from that....
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Thanks to everybody who has submitted questions so far for next Monday's Question and Answer session (if you haven't done so yet-- and really, what's holding you back? There aren't even any rules-- send them to wildarschase@yahoo.com, or leave them in the comments).