To discuss January's Fake Andy Shaw of the Month: It's no 'Bull'

I almost got through January without doing a Fake Andy Shaw of the month.... oops. Here's last month's contestant.
For the first several months of Fake Andy Shaw's, I highlighted other Andy Shaw's out there in the world. But lately, I've been getting a slew of "you look like this guy" comments- Capricorn's mom thinks I look like Michael Sideways Hat Phelps.

But this month I heard an entirely new one, courtesy of a friend of Capricorn's family:

A young Kevin Costner.

Mind you- not an old one, star of the recent not-hit movie, "Swing Vote." A young one, star of "Bull Durham," "Field of Dreams" and that Indian movie where he banged Mary McDonnell in a teepee.
I don't see the likeliness, but the family friend was sure of it. Hey, it could be worse. She could have said a young Miley Cyrus.

Tomorrow is the six-month anniversary of Wild ARS Chase, so I'll put something special together. By special, I mean I'll try not to suck it up. Update: I'll have a six-month post on Monday or Tuesday- today has been consumed with Super Bowl preparation.

To discuss Fake Andy Shaw of the Month: This Andy has boobs

Usually, my fake Andy Shaw of the month is another dude out there with the same name and, likely, a more interesting life. So far, I've been a skater, a groom and a singer in a band. And Michael Phelps.
But for December, I'm changing things up a bit.
A few weeks ago, I believe on Ben's blog, I noticed another Andy had already commented on one of his hilarious posts. What's more, this Andy has boobs*, which is to say, she's not a he. So, as to avoid further confusion in case both Female Andy and Male Andy comment on your blog, I'd like to introduce you to the female version of me.
A short background, provided by Andrea, of Life Isn't So Terrible After All:
My hometown, I bet 99% of Americans doesn't even know it exists.(ARS: Delaware?) I live in a little country named "El Salvador", in Central America. (ARS: My knowledge of Central America is limited to my freshman geography class and movies involving drug trafficking). I don't live in the capital itself, but in the suburbs. But, since the country is TINY, everything is near. (Kind of like Connecticut, where you're within two hours from everything, including NYC and someone with a popped collar). I personally love everything about it (except the politics and the violence).
I'm 18* and I'm in senior year of a Lycée Francais. Yes, I've studied in that school every since I was 4 and it's quite hard to stand all the (stinky) French teachers I've had during this 15 years. Damn French people who don't shower. (ARS: So, it's true!) In spite of this, by next fall, I hope to be freezing my cute Latin butt in France, while studying engineering in Lyon. (You want to move from a tropical climate to France? On purpose?)

* See, I can talk about her having boobs because she's 18. If she was 17, I'd have to make a much more PG joke about her wearing make-up or something... But s she's Girls Gone Wild age. All's fair.
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On to the questions, all Andy-themed:

1) Who are you named after?
I'm not named after someone in particular. In fact, the many times I've asked my parents why they chose to call me "Andrea", they always tell me that it was my grandmother who suggested it and they liked it, so, that's where my name comes from. A few years ago, I discovered my grandma's birthday is on November the 30th, which is the day of St. Andrew and St. Andrea. Therefore, my guesses are that that has something to do with it.
ARS: I was named after the disciple, Andrew. It would be sexually awkward if you were named after the disciple, too.

2) Who is your favorite famous Andy?
Well, there'd be a fight between Andy Roddick and Andy Warhol. Andy Roddick is jut simply hot and... hot. Andy Warhol is just plain awesome. I have a hard time deciding.
Mine is Andy on The Office, even though that's a character name... Andy Warhol is from Pittsburgh, where I'm from. Unlike me, he has a museum. Unlike him, I have never urinated on a painting.

3) How often have you been confused for a boy when someone calls you Andy?
All the freaking time. Andy is usually the nickname for Andrew's. My best friend is also called Andrea, but her nickname is written Andie. I guess that makes more sense. Anyway, Andrea is a name for guys in Italy, so there's ALWAYS confusion. Oh, and let's not even get to the part where people make typing errors, and since the "a" is next to the "s" in keyboards, my name is often written "Andres", which is the male for "Andrea" in Spanish. *sigh*
And, if you want to make matters worse, my middle name is "Renée"... which people often write "René", like a guy. *sigh* It's complicated.
I never knew "Andrea" would be so difficult to get right. I can only imagine how they will butcher it in France.

4) What first name would you like if it wasn't Andrea/Andy?
Well, I DO like my middle name, "Renée". It is "reborn" in French. I've always believed in reincarnation, so I actually like my middle name. IF written properly.
Which, of course, won't happen, Runee. I mean Renea. I mean Renerea.

5) Would you consider legally switching your last name to "Shaw" to pretend to be me for a month?
Mmmmm... Well, Shaw is a far easier last name than my current one. So, I'd probably go to all those places where I've gotten "WHAT?" looks and when they ask me "What's your name?" I'll just say "Andrea Shaw. You DO know how that is spelled, right?"... I'm such a loser.
Sorry, I just double-checked. There already is an Andrea Shaw. She's a life coach... We should call her.

To discuss hating Michael Phelps, a boy pimp and the Andy Shaw of the Month

Capricorn and I have been bf/gf for over a week now, which, if we were in middle school, would be, like, so awesome and practically marriage, but, since we're adults, doesn't mean much beyond the fact we've been together longer than Carmen Electra and Dennis Rodman.
In this time period, she's said several witty gems and other things that had me cracking up, most of which she'd kill me for blogging about.
But yesterday, I finally heard some stories that I told her must be shared...
And, because it's that time of the month just like your mother's period before your dad knocked her up with you, I'll be doing my Andy Shaw of the Month entry.
Everything ties together, I promise.
But first:
Capricorn texted me yesterday to tell me I better be on my guard. A guy asked for her number at a restaurant, and he was totally cute.
Except that guy was a seven-year-old boy. Evidently, he got into a conversation with her while they stood in line, and he asked "Can I have your number?" with the same cavalier, no-big-deal attitude you might use to ask for someone's favorite color, their place of employment or, if you're speaking with a Republican VP candidate, their knowledge of any Supreme Court cases- any of them. Like, name one. Nothing?....
Capricorn thought the boy was adorable. I told her she should have given the number to him. The kid's a pimp. I won't playa hate.
Another story:
Capricorn works with a woman who, because of misinformed religious beliefs, gets offended when people tell her "Bless You" after she sneezes. That's classic. Now, Capricorn could go the Seinfeld route and tell the woman "You are SOOO good looking" after a sneeze, but that could get awkward. I'd rather go with an insult, such as "Thanks for the germs, you olfactory blowhard," but that can be a mouthful.

On to today's topic:
Usually, the Andy Shaw of the Month is about another Andy/Andrew Shaw out there who likely is leading a much richer and better life than I am, with the same name.
This month, thanks to Capricorn's parents, we are going a slightly different route: the Andy Shaw Look-A-Like of the Month.
I've been told I look like a lot of people, from Ben Affleck to that redheaded kid in American Pie who lies about banging that girl, to "somebody I know. I can't place my finger on it." The last one is the best. It's basically saying, "You look familiar, like God may have run out of facial ideas by the time he got to you and went with the usual instead. You have no distinct features that will make you stick out. You look like an old friend, a former teacher, a boyfriend or Michael Clark Duncan."

So I'm on the phone with Capricorn. The following exchange took place, using rough paraphrases:
Cap: "So my parents finally decided on you."
Me: "Decided? Wait, what?!?"
Cap: "Yeah, they decided who you look like."
Me: (Now confused) "Um, who?
Cap: "Michael Phelps, except with better teeth."

This soon turned into a 10-minute conversation of Capricorn telling me why she hates the fact that Phelps is famous, thinks swimming is overrated and that she wouldn't mind if Phelps got murdered, only just kidding, only not really, only just kidding. Evidently, she really, really hates swimming, perhaps more than dead babies or starving orphans. Running is OK, though, she said; swimming is silly because pools are meant to cool off, not to swim fast. I made a mental note not to take her swimming ever, for fear of the children soon splashing around in a sea of red.

So here, for your comparison, are photos of myself and Phelps, plus a bonus one of myself and B.J. Novak, who plays Ryan Howard on The Office, another person I'm compared to lately.
Thoughts?

To discuss Michael Phelps staying poolside

Dear Michael Phelps:
First off, in the interest of honesty, let me say that after you won eight freaking medals at the Olympics this summer, I basically am required to have a man crush on you. Not in the, "Hey, let's go back to my place and do it Brokeback style," kind of way- that's gay (Not that there's anything wrong with that... and not to say you aren't an excellent lover... I'm sure you are... It's just that I'm not into the gay stuff... Mikey, whoh, don't misunderstand me... I don't know what you do...if that's what you're into, I mean, I know you hang out with dudes in Speedos all day and maybe you play a little Marco Polo in each others wet suits or whatever... but, you know, I'm just not a man who likes dudes like that.)
Where was I Mike?
Oh yeah, you dominating your Olympic competitors like they were little girls. Mikey, you are a true child predator of the pool- those little girls stood no chance. You just kept lapping them up, no matter how fast they stroked. You always touched first.*
So, Mike, when I heard you were hosting Saturday Night Live's season premiere, I was excited, as was Ladyfriend**. Lil Wayne was the musical guest, and his songs are dirty and hard and gritty, the good stuff you listen to get pumped up, whether it's right before a 4x400 relay race, like you said you did, or, in my case, to get pumped up to grocery shop at Super Wal-mart.
The show starts, Mike, with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler doing dead-on political commentary on Palin and Clinton. Classic.
Then... you introduced the show.
By introduced, I mean slowly read off the cue card like the poster child for another 12 years of No Child Left Behind. I'm a little worried you have a speech impediment. Can chlorine do that? I should investigate.
Sure, Mike, you were in funny bits-- The T-Mobile sketch, the 12,000 calorie sketch-- but, good God man, I've seen better acting in sixth-grade productions of the Christmas Carol***. I'm not asking you to be Peyton Manning-as-host funny. I'm just asking you to at least be Nancy Kerrigan-as-host funny. And, you know, learn to not stare at the cue cards like it's your first rehearsal (Wait, was it? I'd go with that if that's the case.)
Nobody's expecting you to be a top-flight actor. No one will care, anyway, as long as you keep winning medals and celebrating with wild, muscle-rippling fist pumps so girls can literally watch your abs with more intensity than an episode of Grey's Anatomy.
But try not to do improv again. Even in the two sketches where you played mentally deficient kids, you gave a bad name to mentally deficient kids.
Best of luck in London!

Andy

* Ticket to hell: Priceless.
** A quick update: I hung out with Ladyfriend again Saturday night (I did tell her how you all have thrown your support behind her). We made breakfast for dinner- French toast, sausage, bacon, blueberry muffins.. jealous?- and watched the magic that is "Once." All good times. Also, my dog did not bite her, which is a plus. This concludes the update, you voyeur.
*** You know what's an under-appreciated version of A Christmas Carol? The Muppet Christmas Carol. It's amazing. The penguin Christmas party! The Christmas goose! Marley and Marley!