To discuss a list of recession-proof career ventures for you

I know you're all worried about your jobs, but don't fret. Here are...
Wild ARS Chase's Top 10 Recession-Proof Jobs:

1. Muppet puppeteer: There will never, ever* be a time when the world doesn't need the Muppets. What, are you just going to go on in life without Kermit and Miss Piggy? Hell, no! Jason Segal (thought it was Seth Rogen... they're interchangeable) is penning the latest Muppet movie-- why do I think this will include a scene involving Gonzo and a bong-- so there's still some Hensen juice left in there. In fact, why can't we remake popular movies with Muppets? "Muppets: Sex and the City" (Piggy is Samantha, naturally) "Muppets: Iron Man" (using Pigs in Space) "Muppets: Watchmen" (The sex scene could be dicey, but I think Janice from the band could pull it off nicely). Downside: You'll have your hand up a Muppet's fuzzy ass for 8 hours a day. Wakka Wakka!

2. Construction site stop sign twirler: There will always be construction, and so these guys and girls will always have employment. At about $18 an hour. Which, evidently, isn't enough money to buy a razor or a comb. Downside: Working on a 95 degree day on blacktop. And that vest isn't going to compliment your figure.
3. Real World alum: You can spend years-- YEARS-- doing follow-up shows like The Gauntlet, or posing in Playboy, or doing inspirational talks at college campuses. I'm not sure what you need to qualify, except a penchant for getting drunk, sleeping around, and somehow having low self-esteem and being cocky all at once. It helps if you're pretty. Or gay. Or black. Unless you're Steven from Real World: Seattle, cause no one wants that dude around after that Slap Heard Round the World. Downside: You will alienate your significant other by cheating on them within a week of being on the show.

4. Phone message announcer: You know that woman who says, "Please hold," or "The number you are trying to reach is not in service" or"What are you wearing, sexy" or "Please leave a message for..." She's not losing her job anytime soon. But if you murder her, you can take that job! Did I say murder? I meant ask for her job. That's what I meant. Downside: People will grow to hate the sound of your voice.

5. Prisoner: You know who doesn't need a job? A felon! You get food, clothes and shelter every day, don't need a car, people come to see you, and you will likely be in the best shape of your life while you do revenge-minded workouts in the prison yard with thoughts of knifing that dude who snitched. Downside: You will get anal raped.

6. Politician: You can't get laid off. You can only get voted out, and once you're in, you're usually in for a long time. All you have to do is compromise your values and pass a few laws that go against everything you stood for on the campaign trail. You'll get a nice paycheck, people will respect your position and you can actually help pass budgets that result in other people getting laid off instead of you. Genius. Downside: The intern you had sex with will go public.

7. Roadie for the Rolling Stones: I can't imagine they'll stop touring until they'retheir. Good catch, Soda dead, and since Keith Richards technically died years ago, you're set! When the time does come, go be a roadie for T-Pain. He'll be able to AutoTune his voice way into his golden years. Downside: Changing Mick Jaggar's diaper and hearing T-Pain sing about booty when he's 80.

8. Fast food worker: I watched "Super Size Me." I read most of Fast Food Nation. And I still eat at Burger King, McDonalds, Wendy's and the rest of the grease-mongers. Why? Cause that shiz tastes delicious! How often do you see a major fast food restaurant go out of business? You can flip burgers for decades and be confident you'll not get laid off. Downside: You'll get minimum wage forever, and the thought of a deep fryer will send you into night terrors.

9. Porn web site host: Sure, you'll have to wrestle with a guilty conscious every day, but it's not like porn is going to disappear. Porn stars will become less relevant because of home videos, but there will always be a job for one of the most lucrative businesses in America. Downside: You're a porn web site host.

10. Jesus: Do you realize how many people have made a career out of claiming to be the second coming of Christ? People will shower them with money and gifts, with little to no credibility to their claims. With Easter coming up, this could be a sweet time to cash in. Downside: You're a soulless moron breaking a Commandment, and Jesus is going to jacked with He comes back and sees you posing. Jesus hates posers. And kittens.**

* EVER
** Jesus doesn't hate kittens. Who could?

To discuss Academy Award commentary

I did live Twittering (Tweeting?) of the Oscars, an idea I had before I remembered the show is 65 hours long. But for those of you who aren't glued to Twitter, here's the highlights of my awards show commentary, just like the Grammys, except Brad Pitt didn't beat up Angelina Jolie beforehand. Capricorn adds her thoughts in, as well:

• I'm all for in-depth coverage, but E! started their stuff around lunchtime. You'd think with that kind of attention, they were previewing a plan for world peace or a presidential inauguration, but no, it was the highs and lows of Miley Cyrus' fashion decisions.
  
• Red carpet time, and Sarah Jessica Parker has to introduce husband. "This is Matthew Broderick," she says to the reporter. How sad that Ferris is second fiddle and needs to get pity questions asked so he feels included.
  
• Miley says she is obsessed with Angelina Jolie and wants to be adopted by her. Miley, I know that Vanity Fair photo spread made you look homeless and willowy, but Angelina only adopts children in need from other countries.
  
• Capricorn hears that Hugh Jackman is the host. "I miss ol' Billy Crystal," she says. And he misses employment.
• Hugh opens the show with a musical montage that at one point, I think, dabbles in a reproduction of a Missy Elliott video. "What the F is he doing?" Capricorn asks. Hugh says "It's ok to be gay," as a comment on "Milk," or perhaps as self-encouragement.
  
• I want the Oscars to be hosted by Muppets next year. Miss Piggy could hand out trophies, Animal and the band could play music, Gonzo could be Ryan Seacrest, and Kermit could do the opening number. Why can't this happen?
• Considering all of 15 people saw "Slumdog" when it was first released, people sure are creaming their pants over it now. I'm guessing it's not a bad movie, but it's not "Gone with the Wind."
  
• Jennifer Aniston walks on stage to present with Jack Black. "I want to see Brad and Angie right now," Capricorn says. Me: "Why?" Capricorn: "To see their faces." My guess is, Angelina is going to be all over Jack Black today because of this.... Oscar producers, why can't Jen introduce Best Actress? Give us what we want.
  
• A Japanese dude wins a random Oscar and gives an awkward speech full of "Sank you, sank you" and finishes with "Domo arigato Mr. Roboto." He just pushed back Japanese progress in American culture at least 40 years.
• Ben Stiller presents and is dressed as Joaquin Phoenix during his bizarre Letterman interview. The fake beard isn't the strange part. It's that Stiller didn't act over the top for the first time in his acting career.
  
• Of course, Beyonce has to perform, despite the fact she isn't nominated for anything. It does lead to the best part of the night, as all the Twitterers frothed in rage at her appearance.
  
• Capricorn is (unnecessarily?) excited about Christopher Walken making an appearance to present for Best Supporting Actor... I think the show is rigged- another presenter didn't even have the envelope open before he said, "Heath Ledger."
• The obligatory "People who died" montage, full of, "Oh, that guy is dead?" remarks. I'm waiting with baited breath for Heath's visage and the ensuing standing ovation. But... they don't include him? People had ants in their pants to honor Heath, and you don't give them every opportunity? Update- Yes, I know he died last January and was honored last year, but what's one more time?
  
• Kate Winslet wins Best Actress. Capricorn and I want Kate to forget Angelina's name again... instead, she talks trash on Meryl Streep. "You'll just have to suck it up," she tells Streep, for not winning this time. Streep secretly plans to end Kate's life.
• I hope Hugh's not getting paid for this gig. He's been on, like, three times.
• Steven Spielberg, the Best Picture presenter, starts blathering about how movies change the world and are the celluloid fabric of us all. I know movies are fun, but let's keep this in perspective: Their "craft" is available for $3.99 a month on Netflix.
• "Slumdog" wins Best Picture. Regis Philbin jumps with glee at his home, hoping people are awaiting a "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire" return to primetime. Regis, we all know Ryan Seacrest would host it this time around... even though I'd prefer Kermit.
  

To discuss an Intro to Co-Blog Infamy: No Ordinary ARS Chase

Legend:
A: Andy from Wild ARS Chase
B: Ben from No Ordinary Rollercoaster

Legendary:
Our combined skills of the mind and raw sexual energy.

B: Tomorrow is the glorious day that two man-bloggers unite in their quest to educate the foolish for the greater good of all womankind! We are handing out advice on how to please your woman. Our credentials? Well, as a strapping, well-spoken young man, Andy is in the midst of a blossoming new relationship, a.k.a. the honeymoon period where men still go out of their way to keep you happy.

A: That sounds about right. I'm still in that ga-ga stage where the hearts pops out of my eyes like Pepe Le Pew. Also, I have the past experience of a 3-plus year relationship that ended in engagement, and scores of failed relationships that are mostly my fault. So, yeah, I know the ladies. And I read all the metro men's magazines and have a Banana Republic Visa card.

B: Those exist? I, on the other hand, being the dashingly dapper young homo that I am, grew up surrounded by beautiful women drawn to me like a moth to a 'mo...I mean flamer...I mean flame. God. I think we all know by now that us gay men know how to please us some ladies. Amiright? Of course I am.

A: Sadly, you likely know better than the straight guys how to please the ladies, and yet you prefer to use your captivating charms on other dudes, who don't look nearly as good naked.

B: Debatable.

A: But yes, you've got good qualifications.

B: Let's pause for all the new readers to digest the facts revealed in the introduction. Let's pause again for them to clue in that 'the newf' is not, in fact, a Newfoundland dog but rather a human being with adorable dimples.

A: The mystery of 'the newf' is revealed. You can already tell this co-blog is going places not seen since the Muppets took freaking Manhattan.

B: Make sure you check here at Andy's blog tomorrow morning for the first half of our recommendations and then you can come back in the afternoon and read the other half over here. AND NOT A MOMENT SOONER.

A: No seriously. Do it. We time-bombed this thing like a Mission Impossible dossier.