To discuss a month in review: I'm in heat for August

I can't enter September without singing in my head, "See yoouuuu, in September, see youuuuu, when the summer's through!" Man, that's a good song. On to the August Month in Review.

Favorite movie: "Eagle Eye" I want to not like Shia LaBeouf. But I keep liking him, and he's emininently likeable in this thriller, even if it's ridiculous and begs the question, "Why don't they just pull the power cord?" (If you've seen it, you'll know what I mean). Still good, though.

Runner-up: The Express, about Ernie Davis, the first black guy to win the Heismann. I'm a sucker for based on a true story movies that involve sports, like Remember the Titans or Mighty Ducks. Wait, Mighty Ducks isn't based on a true story? No Goldberg? No Flying V? *dreams shattered*

Least favorite movie: White Chicks. It's funny, but on basic principle, I can't like a movie that wants you to believe the Wayans brothers pass as white chicks just because they have make-up on. Or that they pass as actors just because they're in a movie.

Favorite song: "Summertime," Will Smith, because it's the last time I get to hear it for about 8 months.

Capricorn's Favorite Songs: "Hotel Room Service," Pitbull. On our trip to Pittsburgh a few weeks ago, Capricorn practically demanded XM Radio play it. They did. Again. And again. We agreed this song is way more raunchy than any song should be, what with lines like, "Oh, you the healthy type. Well, here goes some egg whites." Capricorn's runner up: "She Wolf" Shakira. Capricorn spent many night going around the apartment going, "There's a she wolf in the closet, let it out so it can breathe, ooowOOOO!"

Least favorite song: Did I mention Pitbull tries to entice ladies with a chorus that goes "Hotel, motel, Holiday Inn"? Does he think they want a free continental breakfast after the all-night orgy? He couldn't spring for a Radisson? But he gets a bonus point for having Feisty from For the Love of Ray J in his video (which is probably NSFW... or church... or in front of your mother)


Favorite album: Jock Jams! Just kidding.

Best TV Show: "Hard Knocks" HBO. Follows the training camp of the Cincinnati Bengals, which is like watching a train wreck up close as it happens (now I know what Hoda feels like on the Today show's fourth hour). Unfortunately, no one was arrested during camp so far, but there are still two episodes left.

Worst TV show: NYC Prep. I read the book of Revelations before, and there's a verse in some versions of the Bible that mention a reality show about bratty rich kids being the sign of the apocolypse. Runner-up: Re-runs of everything. You can only watch HGTV re-runs so much, or MTV, or Bravo, before you pine for the fall season in earnest. I'd take a new episode of Melrose Place at this point.

Best moment: Spending the weekend in Pittsburgh. Went to a Pirate game with my best friend from high school and his gf, and Capricorn, and, for some reason, the Pirates decided not to suck, which is as rare as seeing Jon and Kate hug. Then, on Sunday, Capricorn and I went on a pontoon boat ride with my family-- Capricorn's first boat ride ever. She was convinced the boat would capsize, and had us shift to different parts of the (well-balanced) boat to even things out. I told her there aren't many pontoon boat fatalities in a man-made lake.

Worst moments: For the dogs, it might have been when Capricorn busted out her box-o-costumes. But I happened to think it was hilarious.

Best decision: Starting this blog one year ago, as of Aug. 1.

Favorite Blog Post by Me: Really, this is its own entity. Everything Ben of No Ordinary Rollercoaster and I did for our special short-term blog, We Are Cosmo, is among literature's finest. It's only a matter of time before Barnes & Noble paint our visage in their coffee shops among the Whitmans, Steinbecks and Austens of the world.

Favorite Blog Entry by Someone Else: Other than Ben's We Are Cosmo contributions (please see his vlog entry), there was the hilarious blog swap post by Anya, and Spleeness's TMI Thursday post, one of the funniest I've read.

Blogger of the Month: It can be no other person than Ben, who I'm totally man-crushing on now in the straightest way possible (a la Seinfeld on Keith Hernandez).

When I suggested the idea of creating a fake Cosmo, he didn't hesitate for second in agreeing, even though it was sure to bring utter embarrassment on us both (see the cover). So Ben, for my gratitude and in lieu of spooning, here's your award. Let's do it again sometime (fake Cosmo, not each other).

To discuss looking back at Cosmo's best week ever

Dear reader:

At one point this week, I was praying the sweet clutch of death would finish me off. But let me backtrack.

On Monday, Ben and I debuted our short-term blog, We Are Cosmo. Since then, we've become millionaires, President Obama and whoever makes sure Canada doesn't implode have personally thanked us, we've been nominated for fancy awards we can't pronounce, and we've gotten tons of readers and comments.*

* One of these is true. Thanks again, Obama!

We had a guest writer discuss do-me shoes. Ben wrote about how to handle real Cosmo's constant advice to stick your digit in your man's heiney (look how family friendly I just made finger in buttholeohcrapruinedit). He also gave advice on how to make your gay friends happy and how to get a man.

I offered all the regular Cosmo features, from Sexy versus Skanky (I think you'll enjoy my photo), Embarrassing Confessions, Horoscopes that practically guarantee you'll be a skankity skank, and a Sex Quiz, where some of you have been thrilled to be called the Bill Gates of Naughty. And let's not forget the Cosmo cover subject quiz for me and Ben.

To wrap up, today there's a Then or Now post, and Ben unveils his vlog, answering questions from evidently horny, lonely readers. I haven't seen it yet, so let's just assume Ben has awesome answers and shows us a little too much skin.

It's been a fantastic week, more wildly successful than Ben and I could have predicted, and, even better, showcased how great I look in short shorts.

And it made the crazy terrible sickness I've had for most of the week tolerable. At one point, I wished for God to finish me off in a flamboyant gesture a la getting swallowed by a sea creature. My head was pounding all over, I was feverish, I think my water broke, I couldn't listen to music or be around bright lights... I felt like how Joan Rivers looks.

The doctor said I either have a sinus infection, a terrible migraine, or I'm preggers. Doubting the last one because I'm hoping I can deny it long enough to go on the "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant" show, he gave me a cocktail of drugs.

Today, I feel better, so let's all enjoy We Are Cosmo (it'll still be up after this week, but why miss the ride now?) as it rides off into the blogging sunset.

To discuss today's the day you start taking me for realsies: It's Fake Cosmo day

If you read this post on Friday, you know what's up today.

If you didn't read this post on Friday, I'll assume you don't really love me and you only put out as a a way to get back at your stepdad.

Either way, it's time for me and Ben, of No Ordinary Rollercoaster, to unveil our short-term blog:

We Are Cosmo.

Just typing that gave my fingers orgasms. Hold on, I have to clean up the keyboard.

One second.

OK, that's better. This will be one heck of a week for Ben and I, perhaps because we don't usually have anything going on and we'll take any cheap thrill we can get. But for you, blog readers, it'll be a special treat every day, with multiple articles basically ripped off from your favorite smutty magazine, Cosmo. Today, for example, there will be a sex quiz and an article about slutty shoes.

Enjoy it, and thank us later. Actually, enjoy it, and stop by Ben's blog to read about a contest he's holding for our big week (and also because he needs the attention. Poor Ben.)

UPDATE: And now you can check out the first article, a guest post by Finger Talks.

P.S. We Are Cosmo is best viewed on Firefox. Internet Explorer can make it weird, but then again, IE is just weird in general.

To discuss that one-year blogaversary surprise

A year ago this month, I started hearing voicesWild ARS Chase, as noted in my special post on the event that has since been commemorated by Hallmark cards and a Lifetime Original Movie starring David Spade and Elizabeth Berkley.

I had promised all of you a special surprise. If you follow me on Twitter, you'll know the surprise has kind of been revealed. For those who don't like 140-character snippets about what someone's having for lunch or how they just slept with the pizza boy, here you go:

Ben, of No Ordinary Rollercoaster fame, has paired up with me for another co-blogging event. Some of you were clamoring for this...well, strongly suggested... well, said it wouldn't be the worst thing if Ben and I followed up on our first co-blog event last November, when we gave advice to guys.

How do you top such a thing?

With strippers and ice cream. But that's neither here nor there.

We created a fake Cosmo magazine.

Let that smolder for a second like a True Blood vampire in the sun*.

Starting Monday, you'll be treated to an entire week's worth of Cosmo-inspired articles, from some of the regulares features to a few of our own features, complete with artwork just like the magazine. It's almost like the real thing, except free and without the sense of shame. You'll never want another one of my silly reviews of Cosmo again. (I'll do them anyway because I'm a pushover.)

In this series, there are some photos that may cause people to disown us, there's lots of Cosmo-esque debauchery (just wait until you read Ben's cover story), and even a special guest writer.

Come back here or on Ben's blog Monday, and we'll direct you to the special short-term blog (a stog, as the kids say) we set up just for the occasion. I'll have daily reminders on here to remind you what's up that day, too.

Excited?
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*As long as it's not Bill or Eric... or the Count from Sesame Street, either.

To discuss a month in review: November- It's the PMS for December

I feel like November gets screwed over. November always gets the shaft, because unless you're having a birthday, getting elected for office or a turkey farmer, you'd much rather it be December, when the real fun begins.
I did enjoy watching all of you struggle with NaBloPoMo. You seemed consumed by the monumental task of posting every day. I can't shoulder that responsibility. It's hard enough for me to remember to put on pants in the morning.
Nevertheless, November is over, so here are the highlights and lowlights:

• Favorite movie: "Quantum of Solace" It had everything you could want from a Bond movie- action, thrills, international conflict, a reason to like British people, and PG-13 sex scenes...Runner-up: "Role Models" and "No Country for Old Men"
  
• Least favorite movie: "Adam Sandler's Eight Crazy Nights." It's just not good. I didn't see many terrible movies this month (did you?) but maybe that's because I'm just blocking it out like it never happened, kind of like Britney Spears' marriage to that Jason guy.
  
• Favorite song: "Gamma Ray" Beck. This might at one point qualify for its own entry, because there are several groups/singers I like now that I didn't get at all when they first came out. "Odelay" was OK for me at first, but now it sounds genius, as does his new stuff. Runner up: "Not Gonna Teach Your Boyfriend How to Dance With You," Black Kids and "Love Lockdown," Kanye West (despite me mocking him).
  
• Least favorite song: "If I Were a Boy" Beyonce. If you were a boy, you wouldn't be able to wear those mini-dresses that show off your birthing hips, now would you Beyonce? Stick to the moneymaker...Runner-up "So What," P!nk. She really needs to write a song that involves a key change and varying beats. O?ay, P!nk?
  
• Favorite album: Home Alone soundtrack. I can't stress enough that the holidays aren't complete without me listening to "O Holy Night" sung by little children, and that sweet-ass rendition of "White Christmas" with the falsetto.
  
• Best TV Show: "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia." The season just wrapped up with Charlie writing his own musical, which inadvertantly includes a rape scene and child molestation. In other words, just another day on IASP. All that is right and wrong with the world can be found on this show (it's on FX). Runner up: "The Office" and "House."
  
• Worst TV show: "Heroes." What the hell happened to this show? I had to stop watching it. I don't like the characters anymore, the plots are full of holes and are hard to follow, people die and come back all the time and there doesn't seem to be a point to it all. All I want to do is punch Hayden Panettiere in the face. Hard. Twice.*
  
• Best moments: Creating Feliz Navidad 2008, my co-blog experience with Ben and Thanksgiving.
  
• Worst moments: Calling my blog crush the wrong name.
  
• Best decision: Having Capricorn meet my parents before Thanksgiving, so there would be less pressure for the holiday weekend. Things are going along great with her (we're past two months). That's good, because my mom still wants those overdue grandchildren. And they don't make themselves (unless you're the Virgin Mary or Clay Aiken). Runner Up: Deciding to do Get to Know Me week. And voting.
  
• Worst decision: Turning off the spam filter for the comments. Although the results were funny.
  
• Favorite Blog Entry by Me: Writing my Dream Date for Ben, and writing about Taxicab Confessions for Haute Pocket.
  
• Favorite Blog Entry by Someone Else: So many to choose from, as I made a lot of new blog friends this month. All of your Get to Know Me entries were great- I was seriously impressed. Some of my favorites include this one by AmyXXOO about becoming possessed, and Sara's impressive list of things to know about her. What were your favorite GTKM posts?
  ---------------------------
  * Once with brass knuckles.

To discuss a Haute end to an eventful week

After an advice-filled, raunchy, fun-filled co-blogging week with No Ordinary Rollercoaster*, you'd think I'd have no problem writing a post with some mature topics on my site. Well, considering I had a post about Jesus on here this week, I thought it best to put this adult post in more capable hands.

Enter Haute Pocket. A former Q&A partner-in-crime, Haute has long been one of my favorite bloggers. She also is quite willing to have posts on sexy topics, so it seemed like a natural fit. I wrote an extensive guest post for her today that I ask, no, implore you to go see if you're looking for a spicy end to an eventful mid-November week. The post involves Taxicab confessions, hookers, crack and Swiffers. Interested? Then go here.

If you want a more family-friendly ending, I'll see what I can do.

I'll be spending today at home with Capricorn, taking the day off. We're celebrating a holiday we made up, Feliz Navidad 2008, which will involve margaritas, Christmas decorations, and Home Alone with Spanish subtitles. Happy Holidays to you and yours...Have you already seen Christmas decorations on homes?

* Ben, thanks again, dude. I consider it an honor to have completed three epic co-blogging days with you. Just so you know, man, I followed my own advice. I gave Capricorn flowers and ice cream yesterday.

To discuss the No Ordinary ARS Chase co-blog. Enter: Men. Exit: Legends

For the intro to this co-blog event on advice for manly men from a gay guy and a metrosexual dude, check yesterday's post....As a caveat for regular readers here, this is a little spicier than my normal stuff. And yet, you'll read on anyway, because you're a little devil. I like that...

Okay, Ben of No Ordinary Rollercoaster goes first with his advice... Again, B is for Ben, A is for Andy.

B: First off, and this one's a little self-serving, be comfortable with your sexuality. This means being open to doing less than macho things. Investing in her interests does not make you gay no matter how much your single, loser buddies suggest it might. Trust me, going for a romantic evening stroll with your lady doesn't make her forget that you have a penis (I think this might be the first time that word has been used on my blog).

A: I've always said, doing girly things doesn't make you gay. Making out with other guys makes you gay. (B: I did not know this). So man up, fellas. If you're dating the lady, you don't need to prove you're a man's man by scoffing at romantic stuff. Being a considerate, romantic guy willing to be vulnerable is what really makes you a man's man. And chest hair, which I do not have (B: Ironically women seem to like knowing that you CAN grow chest hair but would rather you didn't have any at all like Zac Effron. I can only assume this means that all women are child predators)…And congrats on using an adult word, Ben.

B: Second, much like the first, being pleasant to her gay friends ups your appeal by about 85%. Don't you know that not liking gay people these days is like not liking puppies? THAT MEANS YOU CALIFORNIA. Seriously. (A: So, to be clear here, are you a little bitter? B: Meh. I can get married 'til the cows come home up here) Being cool with her gay friend dropping the occasional flirt in your direction reminds her that you're so attractive that men are into you. That makes you a valuable commodity. In laymen's terms, YOU GET NAUGHTY TIME!

A: And by naughty time, he means that activity your parents did to create you… Anyway, this is an interesting point. Really, you should try to at least be friendly with her friends. She wants to know you are cool with the important people in her life- straight, gay, transsexual, robot or character on The Hills. (B: Actually, it's your duty as a human being to punch any character on The Hills in the face if given the chance).

I know I haven't had problems getting along with gay guys. They love me. A lot. Thank you, Connecticut- I got asked out by more gay guys than straight girls. (B: Do you want to grab a coffee sometime? A: (awkward silence, then subtle nod))

B: Third, make her feel sexy on a regular basis. Just telling her how hot she is when you want to get some is tragically transparent. If you make her feel as sexy as you know she is on a regular basis, her confidence, excitement and playfulness will skyrocket. This means REAL kisses – none of that junior high school crap - for no reason, looking her in the eye and telling her something about her that gives you dirty thoughts, and other simple gestures. Just three a day would make a HUGE difference!

A: Man, in junior high school the only kissing I was doing involved CPR dummies, and they only want you to touch their lips after 15 thrusts to the chest (that's what she said). (B: Yeah…I did no kissing until university. But I hear other people were cool in Junior High…) But, really, any way to make your lady or potential lady feel attractive is a good thing. Notice her high heels, notice her new hairstyle, notice a cute thing she does when no one is looking… it's all good.

B: Okay, for the last one let's blow honesty out of the water here. (A: We're not past that point yet?) You know sex, right? (A: I heard about it on the school bus once) Sex, generally speaking, is about pleasuring both parties. What if – and I'm going to take this slow so I don't lose you – one time you make it entirely about her? Yes, you might have to take care of yourself that once, but she'll remember that night and you'll get your pay-off and then some. I promise…

A: I think we could extend this premise to the relationship as a whole. (B: Nope. Just sex….just kidding. Or am I??) Instead of making each time together about what you want to do or a compromise neither person really wants, try one time, without her suggesting anything, to set up an entire day all about her. Whatever she's said she's always wanted to do, you make it happen. The key is to not make it a big deal you are doing this. Just do it, not expecting anything, and you will reap everything.

B: And by 'reap' he means 'sex'. And by 'everything' he means 'HER UP'!

I'm sorry.

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A: My half of advice giving, the dramatic conclusion to our three-day, epic co-blogging series, will be on Ben's site later today. Please check it out, as my ego is fragile and prone to bruising, much like a peach or an Olsen twin's skeleton.

Also, there will be a TV Play-by-Play of America's Next Top Model season finale posted today on here...If you missed last week's episode/post, check here... And if you had problems commenting last night, I fixed the issue, so try again.

To discuss an Intro to Co-Blog Infamy: No Ordinary ARS Chase

Legend:
A: Andy from Wild ARS Chase
B: Ben from No Ordinary Rollercoaster

Legendary:
Our combined skills of the mind and raw sexual energy.

B: Tomorrow is the glorious day that two man-bloggers unite in their quest to educate the foolish for the greater good of all womankind! We are handing out advice on how to please your woman. Our credentials? Well, as a strapping, well-spoken young man, Andy is in the midst of a blossoming new relationship, a.k.a. the honeymoon period where men still go out of their way to keep you happy.

A: That sounds about right. I'm still in that ga-ga stage where the hearts pops out of my eyes like Pepe Le Pew. Also, I have the past experience of a 3-plus year relationship that ended in engagement, and scores of failed relationships that are mostly my fault. So, yeah, I know the ladies. And I read all the metro men's magazines and have a Banana Republic Visa card.

B: Those exist? I, on the other hand, being the dashingly dapper young homo that I am, grew up surrounded by beautiful women drawn to me like a moth to a 'mo...I mean flamer...I mean flame. God. I think we all know by now that us gay men know how to please us some ladies. Amiright? Of course I am.

A: Sadly, you likely know better than the straight guys how to please the ladies, and yet you prefer to use your captivating charms on other dudes, who don't look nearly as good naked.

B: Debatable.

A: But yes, you've got good qualifications.

B: Let's pause for all the new readers to digest the facts revealed in the introduction. Let's pause again for them to clue in that 'the newf' is not, in fact, a Newfoundland dog but rather a human being with adorable dimples.

A: The mystery of 'the newf' is revealed. You can already tell this co-blog is going places not seen since the Muppets took freaking Manhattan.

B: Make sure you check here at Andy's blog tomorrow morning for the first half of our recommendations and then you can come back in the afternoon and read the other half over here. AND NOT A MOMENT SOONER.

A: No seriously. Do it. We time-bombed this thing like a Mission Impossible dossier.

To discuss a Rollercoaster Dream Date with Wild ARS

(Andy: This the second day of a three-day series of co-blogging with Ben. Hello to all of you visiting from his site...Make yourself at home, and take your shoes off, for crying out loud. Where are your manners?)

Ben's Dream Date with Wild ARS:

Ben, of No Ordinary Rollercoaster: Welcome to another wonderful bromance edition of the dream date series, this one with a title that becomes shockingly filthy if you turn the ARS into arse when you read it. Which you and I definitely just did. I feel I'm going to have to apologize to Andy quite a few times before the end of this...
6:00pm - Welcome Andy to my humble abode. Wearing clothes this time. See, Dan? I learn from my mistakes!

6:30pm - Settle in for a drink or two to take the edge off the awkwardness of an internet date. And by a drink or two, I mean a drinking game of epic proportions sure to leave us both obliterated yet thoroughly entertained. This is how it works.

We will watch two episodes of reality show tragedy: Making the Band 2 (Andy's favourite), and America's Next Top Model (my favourite as reported in a provinicial newspaper that one time). Throughout we will launch into a barrage of quips, puns and snarky comments. I will drink each time Andy makes me laugh. He will drink each time I make him laugh.

Obliterated.

9:00pm - Once better acquainted, I will unleash my secret weapon of the evening on poor Andy. NO, not that you pervs....I'll pop in a movie. A scary movie. Probably this one because a coworker lent it to me saying that it made our other coworker cry.

Still traumatized from Quarantine, Andy will undoubtedly launch himself into my arms for comfort and protection.

11:00pm - As Andy is now drunk (trying to drink away the fear) and vulnerable, I think we all know what happens next...

...I dump him out the front door to fear for his life and spend the rest of the night perfecting my karaoke routine for the greatest song (and music video) of all time.




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Andy: Simply stunning...For my bootylicious Dream Date with Ben, check out his blog today. And later today, we'll have our intro to tomorrow's main co-blog, just to get those excitement juices flowing in case yesterday's Saved by the Bell post didn't do the trick.

To discuss a portent of fun things to come, plus Saved by the Bell

As alluded to before, this is going to be a very fun week on Wild ARS.
Ben, of No Ordinary Rollercoaster fame, of Canadian fame, of Dream Date fame, of dachshund blog fame, is doing a co-blog with me. We promise to be good*.

Because nothing about either of us is small (insert high school joke here), we are rolling out a massive three-day series on both of our sites that may one day rival Homer's The Odyssey.

Today, there's a taste. Tomorrow, an appetizer, including two Dream Dates. And Thursday, we cap it off with a co-blog full of advice for men much manlier than us.
Excited? You bet your blog we are... We're already planning on taking a weekend trip to the Bahamas with his newf and my Capricorn based on the royalties we'll receive from all the extra blog traffic.... You know, just as soon as we figure out how to make money off this thing. Until then, your comments will suffice as payment.**

This is a little something Ben and I wrote, imagining what would happen if the Saved by the Bell class reunited for a new episode today...
We call it, "What if? Saved by the Bell: The Reunion Years."

Scene 1: Zack is in trouble again. He doesn't have his science project done. Usually, Screech would help him out with this, but he's busy trying to get his pro wrestling career underway. Desperate, Zack goes to Jessie's house. Jessie is "so excited and so scared" to help Zack. They agree that Jessie will help Zack do his project if Zack will manage Jessie's showgirl career.

Scene 2: At the Max, Slater says he quitting the wrestling team, which catches Lisa and Kelly by surprise. He says he wants to pursue a career as a professional dancer. Lisa reminds Slater he didn't win Dancing with the Stars. Slater reminds Lisa she hasn't done jack on TV since SVTB ended. Kelly sits in the corner, wearing her now too-tight cheerleading uniform but somehow still looks hot.

Scene 3: Meeting at the lockers, now filled only with outstanding bills and the business cards of agents gone by, Zack waits anxiously as Jessie unveils the science project she created for him. She passes him an unmarked DVD. Explaining that he never liked Showgirls and doesn't consider CSI: Miami to be anything to brag about, Zack pushes the disc back into Jessie's hands. When she tells him it's actually a documentary on human perversion, his interest spikes.

Enter Screech.

Zack and Jessie pause, shudder and exit stage wherever-the-hell-gets-them-away-from-Screech, DVD still in hand.

Scene 4: Lisa's crying into her chocolate milkshake, lamenting her failed life and trying to beef up her Wikipedia entry on her laptop. She curses that the two cast members who wore the shortest shorts and the most neon somehow ended up more successful than her - especially as she watches Kelly wipe Cheetos dust off her cleavage while absently gazing at Slater, who is waxing his stomach. Determined to prove herself once more, she storms off.

Scene 5:
Zack appears at the Max, where they decide they might as well make money off Screech's sex DVD, much the same way he sold Buddy Bands, Bayside Girl Calendars and other must-haves. Jessie is seen in the corner, making out with Screech in appreciation after he mentioned he let her be valedictorian, and because they both need the publicity.
Mr. Belding pops in, crying out, "Hey hey hey what is going on here?!?"
He then realizes he might be the worst principal of all time because his students skip class constantly to play pranks and are always at the Max. Sullen, he throw his hands in the air and wanders back to the set of "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" for another turn as a perverted gym teacher.

Scene 6:
Slater and Lisa, sitting in the gang's booth, laugh at Zack's latest venture, then lock eyes. They both realize they have never been a couple on the show, the only possible match-up not scripted. Just before they kiss and the audience "Wooos!!!," producers step in and remind them that they can't have two minority characters date. It's too progressive. Lisa sulks.
Slater decides Kelly still looks good and woos her with stories of his hit MTV show and his racy guest spot on "Nip/Tuck."
Kelly turns him down, though. She's always loved Zack, and now he has a new show on TNT. True love conquers all.

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Come back later today for my "Quantum of Solace" review...

* Good in quality, not in taste or manners.
** We should be paying you, really. We had more fun writing all this stuff than you can imagine.

To discuss a new TV feature: "Reality Check" with The Pickup Artist

I'm flushed with blog ideas lately...
For instance, there's another co-blog coming up this month, this time with Ben from No Ordinary Rollercoaster. There are no words to describe it, just Crayola colors- midnight blue, burnt sienna, goldenrod...

But first, a new feature I like to call Reality Check. For this post, I'll be pausing my Tivo throughout an episode of VH1's trashtastic, "The Pickup Artist." I'll give you two options on what happens next (1 real, 1 made-up). You get to guess which option is the true description of what happens. Sound easy? Um, have you seen "The Pickup Artist?" It makes Rock of Love look like The Love Boat.

A brief description- A gangly, pale guy, Mystery, is supposedly the world's best guy at picking up girls. He wants to use his powers to help those in need, so Vh1 brings on a bunch of nerdy guys who have never touched a woman, and Mystery and his helpers teach the guys how to get girls, using sleazy tactics such as "lie and say you have friends coming soon when you don't." Even better, you get to watch the guys fail miserably on hidden camera. Vh1 could have saved money by filming my middle school years, but I digress.

The Reality Check Quiz:

1. Mystery has the guys meet him at a resort to give them their first challenge. Does he ask them to...

• A) Participate in a date auction for charity, where the guys gets to be the take-home prize, not dissimilar from a weekend getaway or an espresso machine. The winner also gets to have Mystery's assistant, Tara, help them pick up girls the next night during a challenge.
  
• B) Dress up in fuzzy hats and tight-fitting velvet pants to create an aura of smoothness. Then, they are to go up to a girl, rub their shirt fabric and say, "Is this felt? Well, it is now."

2. In describing the challenge, Mystery says...

• A) "I am now your pimp. You are now my ho."
• B) "Let's just see how much your value is worth... in dollars!"

3. Brian is up first in the auction, trying to convince women to bid on him. He gyrates on stage, and is excited to see older women...

• A) Start gyrating in their seats, which he believes is because they are turned on, but in reality, they are having a hot flash.
  
• B) Fight to win the top bid, leading him to say he hopes the cougars will introduce him to their daughters.

4. After the auction, Mystery wants the guys to prepare specific routines that work when picking up a "hired gun." He tells them that a hired gun means...

• A) A woman, such as a model, bartender, or vice presidential candidate, who basically always gets what she wants in life because she's hot and people hire her for her looks.
• B) An Angelie Jolie type, a la "Mr. and Mrs. Smith," who is deadly in bed. She's great to hook up with, if you can survive and escape the handcuffs...
  

5. The guys practice pick-up lines on Tara. Simeon's line is...

• A) "You look just like my half-brother... It must be the eyes."
• B) "Is that a mirror in your pants? Because I can see myself in them."

6. Later, Brian, who is Asian but somehow has a Jew fro, approaches a group of several bikini models (the real "hired guns") who are at a bar. His opening line, followed by his next opening line, is...

• A) "Do you guys think David Copperfield is hot?...You look like a rejected cast member on Sunset Tan."
  
• B) "Do you guys think David Bowie is hot?... You have the orange-est tan I've ever seen."

7. Matt tells a girl she has Man Hands. Her response is...

• A) Giggle, then crack open a lobster with her bare hands.
• B) Flirt, then quickly realize that's not a nice thing for a guy to say
  

8. Simeon later hits on Man Hands, and talks about pedicures (maybe she has Man Feet, too). He succeeds in getting the girl's number, in part because his fingernails:

• A) Are painted black, either to be trendy or to look like an angst-ridden 9th grade emo girl who writes poetry about caves and nooses.
• B) Are all cut short except for the pinkie finger, cause that's how pimps show they don't work with their hands. That's where the pimp ring goes.

9. After the challenge, Mystery hands out medallions to those who will remain in the house. The medallion has an orange icon, Jera, which he says symbolizes...

• A) The promise of success, as a Pick-up Artist and as a Pick-up an STD Artist
• B) The Promise of A New Day, sung by Paula Abdul.

10. Brian gets kicked off, but he seems optimistic about his future. So optimistic, he eloquently predicts he is...

• A) "One step closer to seeing a woman naked in real life who is aware I am looking at her and won't ask me to leave the cash on the dresser when I'm done."
• B) "Ready for K-I-S-S-Infinity S's, on my lips, by a girl this time, instead of by a mannequin... or a guy."
  

-------------Answer Key-------------
1. A 2. B 3. B. 4. A 5. A 6. B 7. B 8. A (although I wish it was B) 9. A 10. B

How did you do?