To discuss Encyclopedia Brown and the Case of the Missing Phone

Perhaps the only good that has come out of me losing my phone from about 5:30 p.m. yesterday to having just discovered it this morning is the fact I got to use "Encyclopedia Brown" in the title.

Have you ever misplaced your phone? Of course you have. That's all phones are good for.*

* Unless you have a smart phone, but I'm not one of you people, with your fancy applications and your ability to be cool.

Once you realize you don't know where your phone is, you only have a few options:

1) Cry
2) Freak out and search absolutely everywhere
3) Realize you don't actually know anyone's number by heart and freak out again that you couldn't call anyone on another phone, anyway
4) Pine for the days when cellular phones were the size of Zack Morris' phone, so big that you couldn't replace it. And it also got incredible reception despite the fact he was inside a school and cell phone towers were scant.

I went for a mixture of 2, 3, and 4. I figured out when I got home from work I didn't know where my phone was. At that point, I just thought I had misplaced it, and checked the usual suspects.*

* Not Kevin Spacey's Usual Suspects. Keyser Sozer wouldn't steal a phone.

Still couldn't find it. Went into Threat Level Lavender, which is like Terror Level Orange but more soothing. Checked crazier places. Looked in (no lie) the freezer, the couch, the cabinets, inside shoes, INSIDE MY DOG'S BED, INSIDE THE MOTHERF****** OVEN WHERE THE HELL IS IT?

Still couldn't find it. Posted a Facebook message for people to call me in case I could hear the phone ring, and by ring, I mean buzz, because I left it on vibrate like an idiot.

Sat in my apartment in silence. Didn't hear anything. Became unusually suspicious that my chiweenie Bailey did something with it. Bailey looked at me with innocent eyes. Drove back to work in the off chance I'm crazy and didn't actually have it with me when I left, as I had thought. Nothing.

Searched in my apartment section's parking lot with a flashlight. Nothing. Began dreaming up a crazy scenario in which a neighbor child had snatched it out of my car after I got home from work. Began plotting evil scheme to murder all children by building a house made of candy to lure them in.

Set my regular, old alarm clock for the first time in years, with no phone to use. Woke up this morning hoping to hear the phone's scheduled morning alarm going off somewhere in my place. Silence. Drove to work, and just as I was about to go inside, heard a buzz somewhere in my car. Then silence.

Couldn't find anything, so I went inside briefly to find my boss had tried calling me twice to no avail. Explained the situation. Went back outside to my car. And then I finally found the phone, which had slid across the passenger seat to the opposite side, and then got stuck in a crevice underneath the seat.

I will henceforth use a Styrofoam cup with a string attached.

To discuss thoughts on the American Idol season 9 finale

Millions of you probably watched the American Idol season 9 finale results show with Lee and Crystal duking it out to produce an album dozens of you will buy. Millions of you may have opted to instead read about the :30 second results of a two-hour show on blogs. God bless you. Here's the highlights of the season finale:

• Orianthi is the best female guitarist alive. I say this because I can't think of any others off the top of my head.
• Fun fact: Idol eliminee Siobhan once said she thinks Cosmopolitan magazine is filthy. Fun fact #2: Siobhan decided to go with the slutty school girl ensemble tonight with décolletage.
• Fun fact #2.5: Nothing makes cleavage sound classier than decolletage.
• You may not know it by the absurd number of technical and production gaffes the past two nights, but Idol is the most watched show in the country.
• I keep thinking Adam Lambert won last year. It's not a good sign for Kris Allen that I keep thinking that.
• If you hadn't heard, this was Simon Cowell's last show. If the federal government was half as critical of oil executives as Simon is of ridiculous auditionees, maybe the Gulf of Mexico would still be blue. And a better singer.

• Rumor has it Ryan Dunkleman is coming back to the show to take Simon's spot.
• The Freaking Gibb brothers performed. I'd say more, but I couldn't stop thinking of this SNL clip.
• Michael Lynche reminds me of Boyz II Men, 112, and Color Me Badd ... oops, missed a phrase there: reminds me of the cumulative body mass of ...
• Loved the idea of having former Idol rejects come back to taunt Simon. Except the producers didn't think about the fact they are rejects for a reason, and one of them took over the microphone and started mouthing off and they had to cut to commercial. Also not funny: Nick Mitchell and Tatianna del Whoro made it just as far as Lilly Scott did in their respective seasons.

• Girls group song: "Beautiful" and "Fighter" by Christina Aguilera. Girls group outfits: inspired by a bondage version of "Dirtty" by Christina Aguilera.
• Ooh, Christina showed up to perform! Soak it in, people. You won't see her perform this summer. She realized she's too busy. Do you get the sense she finished her song, and thought, "That's how it's done, bitches."?
• Guy group song: Casey James' hair and Tim Urban's biceps performed while the other guys body parts swooned, as is natural to do in such a situation.
• Dude! Joey Gladstone's ex-girlfriend sang with Crystal! There's so much girl power on stage the Spice Girls spontaneously combusted.
• Bret Michaels was healthy enough to perform with Casey, and that's really nice to see, considering his health woes. Good job, Bret.
• Lee Dewyze gets paired with Chicago for his celebrity performance. I was hoping he'd get paired with Nickelback for an epic guttural growling competition.
• I can't back this with data or sources, but "Pants on the Ground" may have caused the oil spill.
• Paula Abdul told a series of poorly-written jokes that culminated in saying she and Simon had a love-child. Still, that qualified for her most sane moment in nine seasons of Idol.
• I am saying this as gently and delicately as possible: I honestly wondered for about 20 seconds who the blond girl was singing on stage, before realizing it was Kelly Clarkson, who basically must have said, "OK, let's just screw pretending I have the body frame of Britney Spears, and let me eat some donuts. Agreed?"
• All the past Idol winners sang together, reminding us all how the Idol machine never ceases to produce megastar after megastar. Clarkson, Underwood, um ... Fantasia was on Broadway, right? ... And a bunch of Top 10 finalists from years past showed up, too, eager to have employment.
• And to keep up American Idol's family-friendly programming, Janet Jackson sang "Nasty Boys." Ms. Jackson if you're nasty, Randy Jackson if you're into that kind of thing.
• At the 2:05 mark, we got the results of America's vote. Lee wins. Music loses.

To discuss a TV Play by Play: The Bachelorette premiere recap

I really thought I could avoid the lure of another season of The Bachelor/Bachelorette. Last season, the first full one I had watched in a while, was just SO over the top, with Vienna and Jake finding "love," i.e. each other's private parts, in the finale.

But there are just too many golden comedy opportunities for me to not at least recap the season premiere of The Bachelorette, starring a girl who quit last season, Ali. And America loves a quitter! Let's get to the TV Play by Play ...

-----------------------------------

I almost forgot Ali brought that peacock feather along to meet Jake. Let's keep that in mind when all types of cheesy items are brought to her.

What I don't forget: Ali constantly talking behind people's backs and complaining a lot. And then having to "choose" between her job at Facebook and competing for Jake, which begged the question, why did she compete on the show if she knew she'd have a chance of losing her job? Which leads me to believe, as some have said, the producers offered her The Bachelorette in exchange for creating some drama on the Bachelor and leaving.

We're reminded again that Ali quit her job, and is still the kind of girl who "will throw on a pair of jeans and kick the soccer ball around." AND IT'S CRAZY TRUE BECAUSE THEY SHOW HER DOING JUST THAT! HEAVENS TO BETSY!

People, stay away from beaches. They are only good for staring pensively and longingly.

Did Ali get a little bigger since last season? Not that it's necessarily a bad thing. Just noticed it. You know, when I wasn't trying to figure out if she has hair extensions or her hair naturally looks like that.

And now on to the guys:

Frank, 31, a retail manager from Geneva, Ill.... who shouts "I love Chicago," unaware he lives an hour from Chicago. He quit his big corporate job to become a screenwriter. He also "loves" Ali already. Frank, a prime candidate for the next ADHD pill trial, climbs out of the limo sunroof in an attempt to make "The Soup." It's a real mystery how he hasn't settled down yet ... He's an early contender for "least liked by other contestants," and you know producers will tell her to keep him around. He also seems to love to talking about his "riches to rags" life choice, which makes it seem phony. And nothing on these shows is phony.

Jay, 29, a lawyer from Barrington, R.I. ... who missed his calling as a used car salesman. He also is totally Mitch Albom-ing his big ears with his hairstyle.

Craig M, 33, a dental salesman from Sarnia, Canada and self-professed "ladies man"... Bachelorette producers, please limit the "Staring into the sunset" montages. We're up to 4 already, and we're 14 minutes into the season. Craig gets best line so far- "I'm so happy you're not Vienna." He's such a "ladies man" he gets steamrolled by a weatherman, and jealous of a wrestler.

Kyle, 26, "outdoorsman" from Highlands Ranch, Col., who basically said he's lonely ice-fishing by himself, and has killed everything from rattlesnakes to mountain lions to a ... dove? What's next, a kitten? "I'm not afraid of the other 25 guys. I mean, I've killed a bear," Kyle says. Hard to argue with that kind of logic. Ali says she loves fishing, so that'll buy him a couple weeks.

Justin, 26, a wrestler from Toronto. "Mr. Rated R" is a douche/pro wrestler who is so hardcore he knows what a first impression rose is. And is a "grandma's boy." Home visit! Home visit! He gets sympathy right off the bat with a broken foot/crutches. Dude, you should have asked her to sign the cast. -1 point for using the word "jabroney." +1 point for saying "I think Craig might be here to get more hair products."

Phil, an Investment Manager from Chicago. His brother died, and so Phil has changed his priorities, and now does triathalons. Beat that sob story, people.

Jonathan, 30, a weatherman (!) from Houston. He says his humor will help him, but that's "weatherman humor," so get ready for lots of storm jokes. He offers her his jacket, a suave move, but he's still veering into friends territory. I say this because I just rewatched "Just Friends."

Ty, 31, a medical salesman from Nashville. He's a divorcee as of a couple months ago, so he's definitely ready for another relationship. I wonder if the airline charged him for all that extra baggage? He thanks Ali about 10 times for meeting him. He's got a Southern accent, so that's automatically going to get you some leeway.

Chris L., 32, a landscaper from Cape Cod, Mass. His mom recently died, so he'll compete with Phil for sob story of the night. Ali gave him the friend vibe right off the bat. And then she asks him if his parents are together, and he says, "Yes." Touchy subject still.

Roberto, 26, an insurance agent from Charleston. He busts out the Spanish right away, a smart move. She's totally digging him. She's blushing, giggling... he's sticking around. By the way, I wrote all that before she said "I'm definitely, definitely digging Roberto," and before she gave him the First Impression Rose/Boutonniere.

Tyler V., 25, an online advertising agent from Chelsea, Verm. Way too meek for Ali. Walks away before she can even grab his hand again. It was like watching a middle school dance.

Derrick, 27, a construction engineer from San Diego who, if he's really 27, makes me wonder if I look that old, too. He also talk to himself in the mirror. Oh, and he calls himself "Shooter." Why is that? As he later tells her, inexplicably, he got the nickname because in college he was known for having having premature performance issues in the bed, to put it delicately. Not sure why I put it delicately, cause he doesn't. He also says he hopes he didn't say that to her "too early." I'll just leave that joke alone.

Steve, 28, a sales rep from Cleveland. About the same height as Ali. So, strike 1.

John C., 32, a hotel business development agent from Issaquah, Wash. Cheesy but cute- He "proposes" to her to guarantee alone time.

Kirk, 27, a sales consultant from Green Bay, Wisc. Demanded a hug. Gave an origami rose. 0 for 2, buddy. Wait, 0 for 3. He made a scrapbook about his life for Ali. "I spent, like, 8 hours on it," he says. "I really think she liked the scrapbook!" I'm sure she did, Kirk. I'm sure she did.

Chris H., 27, a real estate developer from Vancouver. Seems like a genuinely nice, fun guy. So that's a bad sign.

John N., 27, an engineering software salesman from Wichita, Kansas. Cannon fodder.

Jesse, 24, a general contractor from Peculiar, Missouri ... who probably thought up his "How do you feel about dating a Peculiar man?" line on the plane ride in but hadn't ever realized how dumb it sounds when you actually say it.

Chris N., 29, an entrepreneur from Orlando. He gives Ali a rose - kinda clever, except it's a fake rose.

Kasey, 27, an advertising account executive from Clovis, Calif. He promises to protect Ali's heart. He sounds like he swallowed a Muppet. And then he promises to protect her heart again. And he subliminally promises to continue to fake tan as much as possible.

Craig R., 27, a lawyer from Philadelphia. Cannon fodder who is playing the tattletale role. Tattletales never win these shows.

Tyler M., 25, a catering manager from Austin ... who wears cowboy boots, partially because he thought Ali wore the same thing on her first show. Yeah, she didn't. Awkward. Why don't you call her the wrong name next?

Hunter, 28, an Internet account executive from San Antonio ... who announced "I'm coming in for the hug" and then said he had to pee. You stay classy, San Antonio. And then he busts out his ukulele; it's bad enough when the token guy busts out his guitar, but you busted out a tiny guitar.

Derek, 28, a sales manager from Warren, Michigan. Another clever idea- playing off her falling leaves/make a wish thing. But she seems to prefer the manly men. He's not manly. In fact, he may be better suited for "Project Runway." Ahem.

Phil, 30, an investment manager from Chicago. Gets another "stick the butt out" hug from Ali," which Cosmo body language experts will tell you is a bad sign. So I've been told. Oh, whatever, you know I read it.

Jason, 27, a construction consultant from Denver. Does a back flip off the limo, in case Ali was interested in dating a street dancer. Then gets jealous of ukulele-playing Hunter, who he calls "the nerd that never gets the girl." No, Jason, the nerds do get girls now. It's the latest thing.

And back to the action:

Plot twist: Everyone writes down the name of someone who isn't there for the right reason. Are they allowed to write Ali? Anyway, the guy with the most votes is Justin (not Craig M.? Really?) Well, you know he's safe, because they spent so much footage on him already. And I'm right, as Ali gives him a rose.

Also getting roses: Peculiar Jesse, Ty's accent, Tattletale Craig R., Meek Tyler V., Frenetic Frank, Short Steve, Cape Cod Chris L., Kirk's scrapbook, John C's proposal, Chris N's fake rose, Nice Guy Chris H., Hunter's ukulele, Craig's M's hair, Weatherman Jonathan, Muppet Kasey. That's in addition to Spanish Roberto and Wrestling Justin

Notable no roses: Outdoor Kyle, who said he "feels like a failure for the first time in my life" (way to stay upbeat, buddy), and Shooter Derrick. That one's a mystery. "I kinda got it off to a bad start," Shooter says. Kinda? Then I "kinda" want to be the wings in a Victoria's Secret runway show.

Notable things coming up this year: Ali makes out with everyone; Justin is the token misunderstood villain; Kasey may have suicidal tendencies; one of the guys has a girlfriend back home (My thought: Just one?!); Ali makes out with more guys; someone possibly proposes to Ali in Tahiti...

Check out the ukulele moment:

To discuss watching the first three Harry Potter films

It has begun!

No, not Mortal Kombat. That was 1995. Man, Mortal Kombat used to be the cat's meow. I digress.

I started watching my first Harry Potter movies on Saturday as part of Harry Potter Fest 2010 with Capricorn.

I sorcerered my stone, I chambered my secrets and I emprisoned my azkaban.*

* Now say those again and add "with your mom" at the end.

I did end up enjoying all three movies - I had never avoided watching them because I thought they would suck, I just had missed the trend early and decided not to catch up.

Nothing so far has convinced me these wizards are better than the one in Disney's "Sword in the Stone."* But I had a generally good time watching them, and I'll get the other ones done soon.

* Thanks to Smeave for pointing out it's not called "Sorcerer and the Stone," a mash-up of Disney and Harry Potter titles.

Here are my thoughts so far. Um, don't read if you don't want spoilers. But seeing as I'm one of the few who haven't seen these, I doubt that:

Sorcerer's Stone:

• The beginning of the movie felt like a Roald Dahl book. I was expecting a giant peach to pick up Harry.
• Once Sister Mary Clarence gets a hold of these wizards and gets them to sing, I think Minerva McGonagall will relax a little bit.
• Emma Watson's hair is an unofficial character in this movie. It looks like it's been teased to within an inch of its life.
• Capricorn has a celebrity crush on Alan Rickman (her other slightly odd crush is here). I ceased to exist when Snape came onscreen.
• Chicks dig scars. But do they dig lightning bolt scars? Should I get one?
• The insurance rates at this school must be outrageous
• Did anyone else think of the dinner scene in "Hook" when Robin Williams/Peter Pan learns to believe again when they saw the big dining hall at Hogwarts? No one? Rufio? No? Just me?
• There are more black hockey players in the NHL than black wizards.
• Speaking of which, Draco Malfoy sounds like a member of the Iceland team from Mighty Ducks 2.

Chamber of Secrets

• Having seen "Lord of the Rings" first, Dobby seems like someone Gollum would have beat up in elementary school. And why do little creatures have personal pronoun problems? Don't they teach them that in school?
• When will Willy Wonka send Harry's cousin Dudley down a chocolate river?
• The plot - Slytherin heir wants to eliminate all non-pure blood wizards - sounds kind of like a wizard holocaust. And by kind of, I mean "exactly."
• Hermione's hair looks slightly better.
• Moaning Myrtle needs to get laid.
• I found myself wanting a phoenix, but then worrying that would require another pet deposit from my landlord.
• Took me a bit, but I remembered the guy who plays Lucius (Jason Isaacs) was the bad guy in "The Patriot."
• Basilisk sounds like someone pronouncing an herb with a lisp.

Prisoner of Azkaban

• Maybe we don't have an obesity problem in America. Maybe wizards are just pissy and inflating people.
• Hermione's hair is the best so far. She's also turning into a young woman. My Harry Potter loving-friend Cadence said Hermione starts getting hot by the next movie. I had wondered when it would be socially acceptable to say so.
• My brother called this the "puberty movie" while listening to Ron squeak.
• Some people call soul-sucking, remorseless, ghoulish things Dementors. I just call them BP executives.
• I don't know what happens with Ron and Harry duking it out for Hermione's affection, but we're headed down that way. Right?
• Scoring points in Quidditch seems kind of silly if someone always seems to get the golden snitch and end the game. Maybe the snitch should explode on contact so a seeker only wins once. Ever.
• Am I the only one who would use the Invisibility Cloak to go into the girl's locker room?
• That Marauder Map would be nice if you were at a mall, not only to track your friends whereabouts, but also to see if any ex's or others you have a disdain for are lurking in a store. Maybe Verizon can make this happen.
• Somehow, I expected Kristen Stewart to break up the werewolf fight with one of her patented biting-bottom-lip moves. It never happened.
• I've never seen anyone get knocked out and then wake up in a hospital bed as much as Harry Potter in these three movies.

So did I get the highlights? Is there something you remember?

P.S. Unrelated note: I have a feeling a fitness-related As Seen on TV Week may find its way on this blog sometime this summer. Could be legendary.

To discuss a Cosmo review: May 2010

I recently got the June edition of Cosmopolitan magazine in the mail -with, uh, Pink on the cover? - and realized I hadn't done a review of May's edition yet. Well, that just will not do. So here's the recap of all the insanity of the Heidi Klum-covered Cosmo. As always, don't read this if Cosmo is offensive to you or you don't want to learn why men watch porn.

• Cover title: "Heidi Klum: How She Got Every Damn Thing She Wanted." Except keeping Project Runway on Bravo, that is.
• That saucy, ridiculously proportioned JC Penney girl is back, and in new lingerie! Stop teasing me!
• Cosmo Hot Sheet: Dating Prenups - Unmarried couples who share a pad are drawing up "cohabs," legally binding agreements dictating how they'll divvy up stuff in case they split. At this rate, we'll have "mealnups" for first-date couples to sign dictating how they'll split the meal bill.
• Cover subject Heidi Klum's Cosmo Quiz: "When I was growing up, I always got teased about my flat chest and pimples." You see, kids, this is why you never make fun of any girl growing up. She might turn out to be hot. And a supermodel. And married to Seal.
• He Cheated With You... Now What? What if the person a guy betrayed his wife or girlfriend with isn't some skanky ho. What if she's an otherwise levelheaded, normal chick like, say, you? Just to be clear here, the wife or girlfriend will still think you're a skanky ho. And are there really any other types of hos other than skanky?
• Judging by the plethora of ads so far, I'd say Cosmo readers are worried about two things: sexy lingerie and deodorant.
• Cosmo Stars in a New Movie: Yeah, you did Cosmo. And we all know how that ended up.
• Cosmo Confessions: A woman wore a new bikini to her father-in-law's 60th birthday party and, of course, the bikini top falls off when she jumps up to hug him. I don't know why she was embarrassed. That must have been the best birthday present of all.

• 101 Things About Guys: Dumb Info Your Guy Is Getting - "A woman who wears a designer purse is a shallow label whore ... That girl is so insecure, she needs to have a bag ith some designer's name on it in order to feel important," Mensfitness.com. Wait, what was that again? Cosmo says this is dumb? Sorry, I was distracted looking at page after page of designer fashion ads. Good thing labels don't matter to your readers, Cosmo, because now they can skip looking at your ads!
• Why he'll watch porn- Even when sex with you is awesome: "Once in a while, he just wants to be selfish, and since men are visual creatures, they turn to porn when the urge to self-satisfy strikes." At first, we turn to paintings from the Impressionist period, but that just doesn't have the same visual satisfaction.
• 100 Relationship Questions- Answered in 20 Words or Less: "I attract guys who turn out to be d-bags. Why can't I find a good one? You're choosing them, so you have a hard time seeing red flags." WAC answer: You likely are a cast member of The Hills or Jersey Shore... P.S. I'll answer any of your relationship questions in 20 words or less in the comments section.
• When You Have to Fix a Sex Glitch- Fast!: "Damn! Your vibrator's battery is dead: Download the free MyVibe app to make your iPhone pulse and vibrate." There's an app for that? What's it called, the iManReplacer?
• You and your guy tend to be loud ... but you have roommate: Rent a horror flick with plenty of yelling and shrieking. if they hear any screams, they'll assume it's the movie. Or they'll assume your into some really kinky slasher sex.
• Ask Him Anything: My boyfriend buys extra-large condoms even though he's, at most, a medium. If I buy regular-size ones for him, will it crush his ego? Yes. Yes, it will. Tell him to double bag it.
• 50 Great Things to Do With Your Breasts: Only 50, Cosmo?!?! You finally come up with a gold idea and limit it to 50?!?! Sample: Stick on nipple tassels, and practice swinging them. On second thought, maybe 50 was too many.

To discuss succumbing to movie franchise peer pressure

True story:

I have never seen any Harry Potter movie (or read the books, but let's not pretend any of us read books regularly).

This matter has come up the past two weekends, first when I was admonished by my friend Cadence, and then again this past weekend by Capricorn.

It should be noted Capricorn has never seen any of the Lord of the Rings movies, but she said those look dorky, so that ended that. But Capricorn has decided it's time to fix my "problem" by making me watch all the Harry Potter movies in a marathon one upcoming Saturday.

As she put it:

"They made a freakin' theme park for Harry Potter!"

I know precious little about Harry Potter. There's magic involved. Alan Rickman is in there somewhere. I think the scary looking troll-like guy from "Are You Afraid of the Dark?" is in them. There are hogwarts involved, but evidently it's not sexually contagious. Harry Potter is still allowed to be in high school even if he's 32. Guys want to have sex with that Emma girl but pretended they didn't until she was legal.

I suppose it's only fair I watch them. I do try to keep up on pop culture for the blog, even if it's not up my alley.* But just because everyone else has seen them doesn't mean I have to watch them. I might even enjoy them, but that's beside the point.

* That's why I watched Twilight. Yep. That's the reason. Won't even try to say that's the reason I watched Jennifer's Body recently - that was for Megan Fox and Amanda Seyfried. Both let me down. The most entertaining part of that movie was watching Adam Brody's insatiable appetite for guyliner.

I do think everyone has that certain movie franchise they have never seen and at this point are actively trying not to see. I've got a few, from Harry Potter to any Shrek past the first one. I wish I could say the same about the "Austin Powers" movies ... sadly, I can't.

Please tell me you have one, too, so I don't feel alone in this - vote in the poll on the right side. Capricorn, for instance, hasn't seen any of the first three "Die Hard" movies. Perhaps you've never seen any "Pirates of the Caribbean" movies ... or any "Muppet" movie.

P.S. If you tell me you haven't seen a "Muppet" movie I will hold a gun to your head and force feed Fozzie to you. You need to watch the Muppets not only visiting Manhattan, but TAKING THAT BITCH. Also, there are catchy songs and you will cry during the wedding. Kthanks.

To discuss putting an end to this $1 donation kettle-guilt

I consider myself a charitable person.

I've sponsored a child, I've donated clothing, I've watched Ben Affleck movies ...

But I grow tired - nay, weary! - of getting asked if I would like to donate a dollar to fill-in-the-blank charity for orphans/kittens/astronauts, almost every time I check out.*

(* Actually, I would donate to astronauts if that was an option. But not kittens. They'd spend it all on catnip.)

They ask for donations at Wal-mart. They do it at the grocery store. Last night, they did it at Arby's, when all I wanted was a roast beef sandwich and a chance to briefly forget the haunting words of Fast Food Nation for just five minutes.

As I always do, I reply, "No, not today," because that's the best way I can think of to politely tell them "Eff you." I know the cashiers hate asking, too, which makes me feel uncomfortable for them.

Instead of asking all the consumers to donate $1, I'd rather have Wal-mart donate money out of their pockets (Mary Kate & Ashley Olsen designed pockets, no doubt).

Better yet, how about I be given the option to donate $1 to the cashier, who no doubt is underpaid. It feels a little ridiculous for a person who can't afford dental insurance to ask the customers for donations to another charity, doesn't it? I know one cashier who has asked me for that $1 donation for months, all the while getting more and more preggers, to the point that I am fairly certain she was being forced to work while giving birth.

Here's what it comes down to:

You know how I feel about the Salvation Army kettles. Well, this is like getting kettle-guilt year-round, but without the klick-klack of a dented bell.

To discuss being mistaken for a Will instead of a Grace

A gay guy I recently just met through theater pulled me aside recently.

"So, I'm usually good at these things, but ..." he said.

I knew exactly where this is going. I've seen enough Jennifer Lopez movies ... which, come to think of it, might be the reason for this:

"Which way do you go?" he asked as diplomatically as possible.

"Yeah, I like women," I replied, unfazed.

"OK, that's cool, it's just you always dress nice and have your hair done all nice and everything," he said.

After I told him he's not the first theater guy to ask me that - it is theater, after all - I again told him I'm a fan of boobs and whatnot; I did appreciate the compliments, though.

As I got in my car and the interior light turned on, he noticed the magazine I had just got in the mail that afternoon, laying on the passenger seat.

No, it wasn't Maxim. Or even Esquire. Either would have helped me out. It was Vanity Fair, which this month features a cover with two soccer guys in nothing but underwear.

"Yeah, that's not helping my case, is it?" I said.

Later, when I told Capricorn about it, she laughed and said there are several things not helping my case. To name a few:

* I do musical theater

* I color coordinate

* I read Cosmopolitan

* I watch Bravo reality shows

* I have a special place in my heart for the remake of "A Little Princess."

* I use the phrase "special place in my heart."

* I like to sing along to "Chicago" showtunes.

However, I do not like penises, and that's a requisite.

I do wonder, blog readers, if you've ever mistaken someone for the wrong sexual preference. And better yet, have you ever asked them? Or just found out eventually?

To discuss things I know at the age of 27

I recently had a guy mistake me as someone who is 22, not 27. Considering how young 22 sounds now, I was both flattered and confused.

I also spent the weekend reliving some of my college glory, however fleeting and completely in my head it was.

Then I was flipping through Esquire's cool feature* with women ages 18, 27, 35 and 44 offering advice on what they've learned and what they think of life at their age.

* Esquire, how often do I have to flatter you before you read my blog and decide to hire me? I'm not above blowing you**.

** kisses.

Damn it if that's not all perfect blog fodder (Reality is just a series of events leading up to blog post ideas, after all, as Jenners might say).

So let me offer to you ...

Things I Know At the Age of 27

• High school wasn't nearly as dramatic as I thought it was, and college was more dramatic than it needed to be. But at no point did any of it resemble "Dawson's Creek"
• Devon Sawa and Jonathan Taylor Thomas will never live up to their early potential. Danielle Fishel remains strangely alluring.
• My childhood references qualify as nostalgic. I'm not sure how to take that.
• There is no preparation upon college graduation that gets you ready for the next phase of life. No, not the work phase. The "I suddenly care about laundry detergent effectiveness" phase of living on your own
• Boobs are as magical now as they were a decade ago, but cleavage itself has become sexier
• Check that: A confident woman has become sexier
• Life is easier with a dog in it
• Life is more expensive with a dog in it
• Checking insurance rates every year is worthwhile and can save you a lot of money
• Earning more money only means spending more money, not actually having more money
• It's also worthwhile to threaten the cable company with canceling your account every year so they lower your rates
• I've saved myself hundreds of dollars since I graduated college by haggling with everyone from credit card companies to mechanics. I didn't learn to haggle to be miserly. I did it because I couldn't afford otherwise
• I will never feel successful enough
• Aunt Becky on Full House got drunk one night and had a one-night stand with either Danny or Joey or both. This I cannot be dissuaded from.
• The Pittsburgh Pirates will never be good again. I will never stop rooting for them.
• I enjoy complaining about being exhausted
• I wouldn't care about what's going on with 80 percent of my Facebook friends if Facebook didn't exist, and they wouldn't care about me. And that's not a bad thing
• Women will never truly have nothing wrong when they say nothing is wrong
• Women don't find it sexy when a man is needy, is without ambition, or is on Celebrity Fit Club.
• Women aren't more or less complicated than they were when I was a teenager. They are just more in tune with what they don't like about themselves and more likely to know what they don't like about you.
• 23-year-old self should have held on to that paid-off Camry until it died.
• I was a fool to think I was a good writer coming out of college. And in a decade, I'll realize I was a fool to think I was a good blog writer.
• My married friends have the same problems I do, but with one other person to commiserate with
• MTV is no longer targeting my demographic.
• TLC is targeting my demographic.
• I think about demographics now.
• Organic milk last much longer in the fridge than regular milk, which alone makes it worth buying.
• People don't think often enough about where their food came from or what's in it. The grapes in my grocery store are from Chile. The salmon in the frozen food section was farmed. That doesn't mean both don't taste good, but I can't eat things in ignorance like I used to.
• That doesn't mean I can't eat Burger King. Let's not get f****** crazy.
• It's not Jesus that makes me second-guess using f-bombs in blogs. It's the people worshiping Jesus.
• Some of the nicest, kindest people you will ever meet are church goers. Some of the most misguided, narrow-minded people you will ever meet are church goers. The hypocritical ones who give church a bad name are the people who think they are acting out the former when they are really the latter.
• The song "Jesus Take the Wheel" assumes Jesus has a valid license.
• The president of the United States has much less of a direct impact on my life than state Senators and Representatives. And even they don't have as much of a direct impact as CEOs of major corporations that set market value for things I consume on a daily basis. But I can't vote for or against those people. That's why real change will never happen - we aren't set up that way.
• Guys my age are starting to complain about thinning or graying hair, aching bones, and growing bellies. But all we really care about, but will never discuss, is when erectile dysfunction will kick in

Now it's your turn... blog post or comment it up and let me know what you've learned by your age. Or the age you pretend you are.

To discuss potentially the best lost dog classified ad ever

The following is an actual classified that actually appeared in a daily newspaper (not mine) last month. To not share it with you would be both criminal and shameful. Everything appears exactly as it was printed in what surely was one of the most expensive classified ads of the year (Considering it's usually a per character charge, you'd think she would go easy on the exclamation points). My thoughts are in italics.

Dog Still Missing

German Shepherd Mix REWARD!!!

How to Recognize GUMBONE:

1. Holding any treat, ask him to sit, then ask him a question? He will shake his head yes or no.

"Hey Gumbone, did you run away? *shakes head* "Are you thirsty?" *nods head* "What are your thoughts on the clean-up efforts of the Gulf Coast oil spill?" *growls*

2. By now, he will have torn someone's house apart, starting with the food garbage, stuffed animals, dolls, pillows, carved wood, any food left on the counter, anything left on any surface.

Including babies and ungirded loins.

3. He will eat: cat poop, cow poop, horse poop, birdseed, flowers, balls, branches, toys, pencils, papers, photos, wires & anything plastic? You get the idea!

My God, I do. You have a Great White shark/earthworm/goat dog mix. But I do wonder how you observed him eating all this and never thought to, say, tell him that's bad. Why was he so often near poop?

4. He likes to break fences, jump up on counters, beds, sofas & large chairs.

We're a Charles Grodin away from a Beethoven sequel.

5. He will roll in any kind of poop, or anything that is dead, rotting or full of maggots.

Please tell me the dead, rotting, full of maggots animals aren't on your property and that he likes to break fences and scurry down the road to find dead poopy possums. Please. The alternative just sent a shiver down my spine.

YOU MIGHT WONDER WHY on God's green earth I would want THIS dog back?

I have a feeling the dog might be wondering the same about you.

I don't have any kids & would you get rid of a problem child?

Macaulay Caulkin in "Home Alone" was a problem child. You have Macaulay Caulkin in "The Good Son."

PLEASE Ask 3 people you know if they've seen this little guy. I am offering a reward if you can believe it.

No, no I don't.

Ed. note: Now it gets even weirder. Seriously.

I am in touch with a gal whose dog tracks, so please CALL WITH SIGHTINGS! Thank you from the bottom of my heart!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel that he is alive & think someone has felt pity & taken him in for the winter. I've tried to do a profile: I believe it is a woman living alone (a man would have kicked him out by now) who doesn't see well to read, who is regretting her decision but can't let him go due to the weather.

So, basically, you're profiling yourself. And how exactly will running a newspaper classified help if the woman can't see well enough to read?

Gumbone is lovable, but I'm sure she won't mind getting rid of him by now.......................

Yeah, how can she pass up a dog ripping apart her house and eating all the finest poop?

Hopefully, he'll run away from her too and I won't have to pay for damages incurred.

Except you supplied your contact information and a description of the dog in a newspaper. Other than that, foolproof.

Also, this little guy is sneaky. If this woman has him, she is probably questioning her mental capabilities.

Seriously, is this "woman" a self-profile?

He can gulp an entire loaf of bread & hide the bag in the time it takes to answer the phone for a wrong number. Now where did I put that darn loaf? I shudder to think if she wears Dentures!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Are you worried the dog would eat the dentures, or use the dentures to help chew the bread? And why would you be leaving food out in the open when yo... aw, screw it.

a/k/a Gumbo, Puppy, Gooney! Mostly black & tan, 2.5 years, neutered mle, 55 lbs., hair haunches, maybe collar with red heart & ID, friendly. Does not bite!

Unless you are poop. Then you're yourself out of luck.

Will let you catch him if you give him food... even fruit!!!

Now the dog is a healthy eater?

---------------------------

Ed. note: I hope the dog returned, because it sure sounds like this woman needs him. But it would be a great loss to the classified ad industry.

To discuss a Weekend Update: Reunions, baby making and effeminate drinking

I think I have officially made it as a blogger.

One of my friends, who I'll refer to as Teacher, said her goal this past weekend was to do something noteworthy that would make it into my blog.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's do a Cliffs Notes version of a Weekend Update, in which I drove across Pennsylvania for my annual get-together with some college friends (here's what happened last year).

• I almost hit a coyote on the turnpike on my way over. At first, I thought it was a dog. While slowing down, I thought it was a wolf, but the ACME rocket and lack of a brooding Robert Pattinson nearby gave it away. Fortunately, nobody hit it, and it scampered back into the woods.
• Unlike the past few years, when we either all stayed at a hotel or just made it a day trip, we stayed at someone's house this time. This was made possible because they own a house. Which leads me to the next point:
• Eight of us got together: Three married couples and then one girl (who I'll refer to as No. 1) and myself. No. 1 and I spent most of the weekend teasing the married couples about their "relationship stability" and their "plans for having babies at some point soon." Which leads me to the next point:
• Teacher (Hey, you did it!) pointed out there is a magazine made just for people trying to conceive: The Bump. Sample community forum post: "Is it OK to force myself upon my DH? ... +OPK this AM, -OPK this PM." I have no idea what that means, beyond possible husband rape
• While I wish all of my friends best of luck in their birth control-free lovemaking, an entire magazine dedicated to making babies blows my mind. Not because conceiving is easy- some of you have blogged about how very difficult it can be - but because I'd think it would just make all the women much more neurotic and stressed.
• I love the phrase "trying to get pregnant." It's like church people one day decided they wanted to pray for young married couples who wanted to start a family, but didn't want to actually say the word "sex" in church. I wonder if Mary's parents said "God and Mary are trying to get pregnant."
• We all played a fun, cynical game called "Engaged, Married, Divorced, Baby," where we tried to update on the gossip of former classmates. As I don't fit in one of those categories, I spent the game in purgatory.
• Since we didn't have to go anywhere Friday night, we sat around a campfire and drank Arbor Mist and margaritas and smoked Swisher Sweets. I think I won for the most consumed on all three counts. Unfortunately, I discovered later there was neither a competition or a ribbon for the winner. And that I evidently drink and smoke like an elderly gay man.
• No. 1 and I were asked to speak to journalism students about our careers in journalism. We advised them to get into P.R.
• I stabbed a hobo.
• Just making sure you're still reading. Anyway, the college's campus has been ridiculously updated, with a new fitness center, dorms, etc ... which is funny, because I keep getting letters in the mail asking for donations. I refuse to do so until I have enough money to get something named after me. Like a urinal. Or a snow cone machine.
• Staying up past midnight two nights in a row nearly killed us all.

P.S. The Daring Domesticate and her husband were our hosts for the weekend; check out her blog ... Also, a reminder: If you include your e-mail address when you make comments, I promise to personally respond.