To discuss Google failing the well-intended

Dear Google searchers:

Hey, what's going on? It's been a couple months since I last wrote to you, when you were voraciously looking for Alicia Sacramone's leotard-covered nipples. (Did you find them? Let me know...also, let Child Services know.) I figured I'd try to help out those of you who recently used Google to find your soul-searching answers, only to be led astray to porn sites, unattended Angelfire accounts and this blog.

The following are all actual Google searches that led people to WildARSChase (courtesy of Sitemeter):

• "Quarantine and the Doomsday Virus": Let me help you out here. DON'T SEE QUARANTINE MY GOD MAN HIDE THE WOMEN AND CHILDREN THIS MOVIE IS GOD SMITING THE WICKED. Also, the Doomsday Virus is a rabies-like disease that makes people eat each other's necks off, not unlike an overzealous teenage boy attempting his first hickie.
• "Karaoke Girlicious Blogspot": Were you going to sing a karaoke song done by Girlicious? Did that train wreck girl group ever put out a song? Couldn't you just do something by the Pussycat Dolls? (make sure you wear only leather chaps and a studded bra)
• "Was Tyra wearing flip-flops in the latest Friday Night Lights when she takes Cash back?": First off, you need to learn something called "keywords"- it helps you avoid long sentences in a Google search. Also, I'm not sure if she was, but I doubt it. Tyra rarely wears clothes on that show, which I highly anticipate watching when it returns to NBC.
• "Fake money that looks rely": I'm guessing you mean real. I'm hoping you meant real. Anyway, you could always get a job and make real money, which would solve the problem. You could earn scores of Sacagewea dollars doing that. You could also build up a major, Wall Street company, run it into the ground, and then gleefully collect a government payout. Just a thought.
• "Aundrea problem child": You're already off-course. Aundrea, of Danity Kane fame, is an angel, and would be the mother of my future children if Capricorn would let me (she won't). Blame things on Aubrey, who has tot
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  ally spiraled into a shell of her former self.
• "Alicia Sacramone Crotch": Really? You're still looking for that? I just don't get it.