To discuss a hello to you, blog friend, and a how do you do, stranger?

Dear new reader:

I'm so glad to have met you this month, and trust me, if you left a comment on my blog, I checked out your blog.
I'm guessing you found me because of the hilarious No Ordinary Rollercoaster, or perhaps because you were recently Google searching for "I am familiar with carpentry and I don't know who my father is.”*
This week, I'm going to have several posts dedicated to letting you know more about me. Sure, there are previous posts, such as this one and this one, that give you an idea what I'm all about. But I think it's time I get more in-depth.
Possible posts includes tales of high school**, a 100 Things list like this one on The State I Am In, a new poll (the most recent one is coming down to the wire between Cory/Topanga and Zack/Kelly! Get those votes in), a Q&A, a re-posting of an early favorite or two of mine, and other things to get us more acquainted with each other. I do not plan on buying you a drink first or chit-chatting. We are going to just get right down to the dirty business.

Sincerely,
Andy
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Dear long-time reader:

You want to know something? I appreciate you more than you know. Every day, I write something for this blog hoping to make you laugh, or at least make you wax nostalgic about Boy Meets World and Fresh Prince. I'm glad for the new readers jumping aboard, but even more, I'm glad you keep sticking around. Maybe you'll learn something new about me this week.
But even more, I want to learn something about you.
That's why I'm challenging you.
Your mission? Write one post on your own blog this week describing:
A) Something nobody knows about you, or
B) One of your favorites stories from your childhood, or
C) Your 10 Top Favorite (Fill in the Blank).
Then, leave a comment on one of my posts this week or e-mail me with a link/info on the post. When I get enough links, I'll put together a post featuring links to everyone who participated. We'll make it Get to Know You day. Newbies, you can join in, too.

Respectfully submitted,
Andy

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* Actual Google search that led someone to my blog. I write posts providing answers for Google searchers, as I consider it is my duty as a blogger. The answer for this one? It's a quote from Charlie on "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia."
** Much more interesting that A Tale of Two Cities, or tales of the glories of Christmases long long ago. Not necessarily more interesting than Duck Tales (Ah woo-oo!).

To discuss how I am 'Donna' apologize, and more Google search fun

Two points today:
1. I made a boo-boo yesterday that is one of my own pet peeves, which means I'm pet peeved with myself, if that's possible. I'm peeved all over myself...

I called someone by the wrong name.

No, it wasn't because I didn't know the person's name, or was being inconsiderate, or hadn't used it before. It was because I was doing too many things at once. But excuses are worthless.
So, Diane, I am sorry I called you Donna. As my penance, I offer you this free publicity for your wonderful blog, which deservedly won an award from Haute Pocket (where the offense took place). Mea culpa. I hope you can reinstitute your blog crush (which I know waned during this post). I'm sure there's a Backstreet Boys song that's appropriate for this moment- any ideas?- but, anyway, Diane, you're the best Diane I know. Diane. Diane.

It's not like I lack experience with wrong names. I get called Adam all the time. All. The. Time. "Hi, my name's Andy." "Nice to meet you, Adam." "It's Andy." "Cool, Adam." "Andy." "Adam?" "No, Andy." "I'm not wearing pants." "What?" "Don't worry about it, Adam." "@$&@"
A former co-worker of mine, who was a lovely person, thought my name was Anthony. I corrected her a few times, but eventually, I just let her roll with it, as I liked the idea of being Italian, plus she was a bit older and I didn't feel like nitpicking.
She died from cancer, sadly. And she still thought my name was Anthony.

It's even better when someone has no idea what your name is, but it's past the point of asking. Or, if one person knows the other's name, but that person doesn't know the first person's name. "Hey, Andy, what's going on man?"
"Heyyyy... dude. How are ya?... Uh, how's your driver's license photo look? Mine's always bad...(scans the guy's driver's license). Yeah, JOHN, that's a weird photo (hands back license)"
"Uh, I go by my middle name. You knew that."
"Of COURSE I did, uh, buddy. So, are you an organ donor (takes back license), um, um, um, what I'm guessing is either Michael or Mark?"

2. After writing my latest "Google searches that led people to my blog" post, I discovered I had a score of new Google searches that needed to be mentioned.* If any of these are yours, please claim them. I love them and want to know their inspiration.
Some of the latest:

• "Here's a confession: I'm in love with a man. What? I'm in love with a man... a man named God. Does that make me gay? Am I gay for God? You betcha." That, Google searcher, is a monologue by Charlie on "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia," when the Gang thinks they see the Virgin Mary on a water-stained wall. Excellent episode. Glad I could help.
• "Stage coach stops western PA" Are you planning a heist? Can I ride shotgun on the horse, or are you doing this solo? It took several guys to do it in "3:10 to Yuma," just to let you know. Unless, of course, you just want to drive a stage coach. That's completely legit and eco-friendly.
  
• "Rapestand S&M" So... this is a bit awkward... I'm glad it took you to this post about fantasy football and Michael Vick's dogs, and not some post I have about hardcore S&M. Because I'd like to think I'd remember writing a post like that, and the severe amount of coke I must have used before I wrote it.
• "I like mail in my mailbox." Who doesn't? It was even better in the old days of AOL when people would get psyched to hear the "You've Got Mail" sound. Now all I get is a bold-faced lie from Yahoo telling me I have "mail," which really means I have an offer to invest in an African prince's real estate, risk-free.**
• "Pictures of naked hot sexy girls showing there bubes." Well, first off, "their," not "there"- girls won't flash you if you use incorrect grammar. Second, I'm a little disturbed Google led you to a post about me describing my girlfriend's Halloween costume (which mention's Bube's Brewery). There will be no hot sexy fun time with her. None.
  

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* For those of you who wonder how I do this, check "Referrals" in your Sitemeter account. Take a moment. Enjoy. Then recoil in fear as you realize most of your visitors are twisted, twisted people.
** And for $140,000 down.

To discuss Google failing the well-intended

Dear Google searchers:

Hey, what's going on? It's been a couple months since I last wrote to you, when you were voraciously looking for Alicia Sacramone's leotard-covered nipples. (Did you find them? Let me know...also, let Child Services know.) I figured I'd try to help out those of you who recently used Google to find your soul-searching answers, only to be led astray to porn sites, unattended Angelfire accounts and this blog.

The following are all actual Google searches that led people to WildARSChase (courtesy of Sitemeter):

• "Quarantine and the Doomsday Virus": Let me help you out here. DON'T SEE QUARANTINE MY GOD MAN HIDE THE WOMEN AND CHILDREN THIS MOVIE IS GOD SMITING THE WICKED. Also, the Doomsday Virus is a rabies-like disease that makes people eat each other's necks off, not unlike an overzealous teenage boy attempting his first hickie.
• "Karaoke Girlicious Blogspot": Were you going to sing a karaoke song done by Girlicious? Did that train wreck girl group ever put out a song? Couldn't you just do something by the Pussycat Dolls? (make sure you wear only leather chaps and a studded bra)
• "Was Tyra wearing flip-flops in the latest Friday Night Lights when she takes Cash back?": First off, you need to learn something called "keywords"- it helps you avoid long sentences in a Google search. Also, I'm not sure if she was, but I doubt it. Tyra rarely wears clothes on that show, which I highly anticipate watching when it returns to NBC.
• "Fake money that looks rely": I'm guessing you mean real. I'm hoping you meant real. Anyway, you could always get a job and make real money, which would solve the problem. You could earn scores of Sacagewea dollars doing that. You could also build up a major, Wall Street company, run it into the ground, and then gleefully collect a government payout. Just a thought.
• "Aundrea problem child": You're already off-course. Aundrea, of Danity Kane fame, is an angel, and would be the mother of my future children if Capricorn would let me (she won't). Blame things on Aubrey, who has tot
  Publish Post
  ally spiraled into a shell of her former self.
• "Alicia Sacramone Crotch": Really? You're still looking for that? I just don't get it.
  

To discuss answering the prayers of Google searchers

Dear Google search dudes and dudettes:
I feel both indebted to you and worried for you. Last week, because of your voracious keyword searches, you sent my visitor totals sky high, likely directly causing a hole in the ozone layer that won't soon be repaired through diligent car pooling and recycling. I appreciate that effort, even if you left terribly disappointed by my blog not having the answers or nudity you sought.
To make it up to you, I thought I'd try to answer some of questions posed and provide some of the content you were looking for. I'm just that type of guy.* The following are all actual Google searches that led people to WildARSChase.

• "How to Make Vending Machines Accept Fake Money" Excellent question. First, go to the bank. Hand them a dollar bill. Ask for the most fake looking U.S. (or Aussie, for reader AmyXXOO and friends) currency available. The teller, without hesitating, will hand you a shiny gold Sacagawea dollar. You will smile, knowing that nothing could be more fake looking that the U.S. Treasury trying to pass off a gold coin with an Indian guide on it as real currency. Next, go to your nearest vending machine. Shove that golden dollar in with gusto, mucho gusto (that's right. I just threw word play and random Spanish in there. That lesson comes free of charge).
• "Needed to pee" This one worries me. You needed to pee, but you were doing Google searches? Fortunately, the answer is easy. Find a toilet. Lower your pants. Wait for golden relief. Call the doctor if it burns a little.
  
• "Synchronized gangsta swimsuits" I'm not quite sure those are real things. But, not wanting to disappoint, I'll hazard a guess. Perhaps that means you're looking for the U.S. mens' swimming relay team's Speedos, with a blue flag hanging out the backside, but only on the left side, because, as Snoop Dogg informed us, that's the Crip side.
• "Alicia Sacramone boob size" Bigger than yours, smaller than Aubrey Pocket's.**
• "Alicia Sacramone's boyfriend" See Me, That's.
• "Does James Franco have a Facebook page?" Even if he does, will he really add you as his friend? Better question: If he does, does he use the bumper sticker application? What would his bumper say? "My best work was in Freaks and Geeks, and that ain't bad."
  
• "Girlicious spandex" I can't help you here. The fact you want photos of that terrible girl band Girlicious in spandex is an indictment on your taste. What you meant to look for is Danity Kane in spandex. I forgive you.
  

* I'm also the type of guy that owns a tiny dog, multiple suits, watches "What Not to Wear" and buys low-fat ice cream. Do you still want to be friends?
** I wonder if I can start a trend by repeatedly calling Aubrey from Danity Kane "Aubrey Pocket." I think I'll keep doing it until she wears a sweatshirt or a sweater or something.


For the people who are reading my blog regularly, on purpose: You do know I'm not paying you, right? But anyway, thanks for coming back again and again. To reward you, I have a special co-blog post for tomorrow, which is right around my one month blogaversary. Technically, it's Sept. 1, but you'll all be punch drunk with Labor Day frivolity (do they have something similar to Labor Day in Australia, AmyXXOO?) by then, so I figured I'd get it out tomorrow. It will help unravel some of the mystery about me by getting answers straight from a woman who knows me best (It's not Oprah or the Virgin Mary).