To discuss a Weekend Update, midweek/moving version

Can I do a Weekend Update on a Wednesday?
Sure I can!
I've been off since last Friday. Before you give me the "Oh, thanks for rubbing it in my work-soaked face," let me say that one of those off days was an unpaid, furlough day. So stick that in your judgment pipe and smoke it. Actually, don't. Smoking kills.
Here's the rundown of happenings in the past few days, including my move:

• You will never get too old to be happy your parents pay for stuff. It doesn't happen often anymore- which is the way it should be- but there is a certain joy to go to a restaurant and have your dad reach into his wallet and say, "I've got this one." It's good that happened this weekend, too. Otherwise, it would have been an awkward pause, ending with my dad intermittently staring at the bill and at me, then me saying, "So... How about that bill, eh? Think we can make it to the parking lot before they notice?"
• This weekend brought out my inner freak. No, not that. I'm low on syrup and I don't own a cat. The other thing- electronics. I spent an afternoon hooking up all my gadgets, because at some point in life, I thought it'd be a good idea to take an interest in buying multiple electronics that make it increasingly difficult for me to perform the simple task of watching television. The back of my TV stand looks like an audio visual cemetery, with wires strewn haphazardly in their final resting place until my next move. I claim to know how all the wires work, but that's a farce. I also claim to know how to drive a stick, but if I tried it on your car it'd sound like I'm making love to your grandmother with a monkey wrench and a cane.
• Capricorn is an orderly, neat person. So I gave her free reign to put everything in the apartment exactly where she thinks it should go. I hope one day she shows me where she put everything.
  
• The process of moving brings to life the trivial objects in your life that on any other day you could give three sheets to the wind about. I spent multiple minutes talking about Lazy Susans, light bulbs, disinfectant, picture hangars and bed sheets. I imagine this is what hell is like, except you never actually move- you just talk about things you'll need for when you move. And, Britney Spears will shave your head. With a rusty blade. Oh my God, y'all!
• I am already scoping out the neighbors. No, not for hot chicks- I'm already dating the hottest girl anyway. I'm scoping them out so I can more easily categorize them into stereotypes: The Thumper (Neighbor who walks like an elephant and is always heard through the wall), the Screamer (Always arguing with boyfriend/girlfriend), the Inconsiderate Prick (Never picks up after dog, takes up two spaces, hates kittens and Jesus), etc. Introspective moment: What neighbor would you be? Racquel, you wouldn't be that neighbor who has crazy loud sex or has drunken tirades, would you?
• New neighborhood means Bailey has to re-mark everything. After a long walk yesterday, this complex is officially his bitch. I wish people could mark an area the way dogs could. Some new dude comes in to interview for my job, I mark the front door and growl. I also might hump his leg.
• I now have a blog room (though I'm still putting things away). In what others might call a den or office, I have made the second bedroom into a little blog zen place, with a TV, recliner and tray table for easy blogging. Capricorn thinks it's a great idea, although that might be because she can watch oversized family shows like "17 and Counting" on the big TV while I'm huddled away like a blogging J.D. Salinger for a few hours.

To discuss a Week(long) Update: Hospitals, Furloughs and I'm an idiot

Rather than a small, day-old Weekend Update, I need to recap what happened to me all of last week, if only so I can look back at this post five years from now and remember.

Monday: Find out our company is instituting five-day furloughs (forced, unpaid days off, like a temporary lay-off). Actually, we found out just before we left work Friday, so we'd have the weekend to freak out about it and be calm by Monday. That plan, just like in Office Space, doesn't work. We were still buzzing about it like furloughs are the new Watchmen.

Five unpaid days means I'll have to be even tighter on a budget that right now consists of me going: "I'd love to get the $5 footlong, as the advertising jingle makes the sandwich seem both irresistible and financially viable, but that's an extra $1.50 I shouldn't really spend. Six-inch, please." And that's with me being fully employed with no kids. Capricorn is still several years away from being my sugar momma, so I'll instead have to cut back for now. This means fewer Shamrock Shakes. I'm not sure how to break the news to McDonalds and their employees, who will likely need to be furloughed.

Spent a long, long night watching three hours of "The Bachelor," which was ABC's way of punishing Americans for their sins. They could've edited everything into 20 minutes of programming. At least it made for good play-by-plays.

Tuesday: For the second Tuesday in a row, I get a migraine headache, even though I never used to get a migraine.

It's an odd feeling, because I started out the day with a mild headache, the kind usually reserved for putting off sexual relations. By the end of the work day, my eyes had trouble focusing, all the lights seemed bright, my temples were pulsing and I felt feverish. Most people would pass this off as a case of the VH1's, but I don't drink like those people. I spent much of the evening napping... which creates problems when it's actually time to go to sleep. Fortunately, I had American Idol on Tivo and Shamwow infomercials to keep me company. Side note: Capricorn is buying a Shamwow for me. I want one. Badly.

Wednesday: I was tired but felt better. That is, until late in the afternoon when I got a call from my mom about my younger brother being taken to the emergency room for a collapsed lung. Considering he's a healthy, strong guy, this was crazy talk, but I brushed off the notion that my mom had suddenly lost her mind. That only happens to Britney. I left work early and spent the next several hours with my bro, who wasn't in life-or-death state but wasn't in great shape either. Or, better put, on a scale of one to death, he was a 6.

His co-workers and my sister came, too, as we're the closest family members by distance. This does beg the question, if you were admitted to the hospital with a severe condition, who do you think would be the first three people to arrive, and would you necessarily want it to be those three? Ponder this.

I left after everything got under control, and spent the next few hours doing the Top Model play-by-play, partly to calm down, partly for all of you.

Thursday: Work was incredibly busy, so much so that I couldn't leave early to go back to the hospital (about 30 minutes away). Eventually, I left and spent several more hours with my bro, who was under all kinds of pain medication that I'm sure high schoolers are using to get high these days. At this point, my bro had figured out when the hot nurses were on shift and tried to time the pain medication delivery for when they were around. He was sick, but not stupid. Also find out that tall, skinny males like him are prone to collapsed lungs, which makes me fear for NBA players, Conan O'Brien and Cameron Diaz.
Came back late and spent another long night on Top Model and The Office blogs.

Friday: Find out that instead of the 30 days to vacate notice I assumed was needed for my landlord (lease is up end of March), I actually was required to give 60 days, so I'll be paying double rent in April after I move. Considering this was purely me being an idiot, I'm thrilled with myself, as I haven't seen money that quickly wasted since Congress did... well, just about anything in the past three months.

By now, furlough has become the word de jour in the office, and we are using it as a verb, adjective, adverb and everything else: "Hey, is so-and-so out sick today?" "Nope, he was furloughing." "I ran out of tampons." "Just put your period on furlough." I also staged an emergency furlough drill in which I huddled under my desk and covered my head.

Went to the hospital, this time with Capricorn. My mom, aunt and cousin drove in from a few hours away as well. In my family, we get together for holidays, deaths and hospital visits. I think it's my turn to get gravely ill next time. It's how you keep a family strong. That, and gossiping.

Saturday: Capricorn's parents came to my town so she and I could show them the apartment we'll be living in together. The spare bedroom is being renamed the "Blog Room," which will kind of be my Fortress of Solitude, except I won't wear a cape yeah, I will when I'm there. The parents like the place, and take us out to dinner afterward. Free meal? Sign me up!

Sunday: Spent most of the day going, "Wow, why is it so late already?" before remembering Daylight Saving Time is over. Spent the other part of the day reading Cosmo (recap here) and Maxim (recap soon), and realizing how awesome my girlfriend is for being cool with me reading Cosmo and Maxim. And how confused she must be. Also, I put up a new poll asking for your advice.
My brother finally comes home from the hospital, now doing better. He also gave one of the hot nurses his number, despite the fact he spent several days hooked up to tubes with a bedpan nearby. I'm proud of him on multiple levels.

So... yeah, it's been a little off-the-wall. I'd ask for a do-over, but I'd rather reserve that for when things really get bad. Or when Kim Kardashian gets her own NBC sitcom.

To discuss a Weekend Christmas Update, Question Style

1. It was Christmas morning, and I was driving around looking for chicken cordon bleu.
Was it because I:
a) Get pregnancy cravings
b) Needed to find a last-second dish to bring to Christmas dinner, and they were already out of roast beast and Christmas goose
c) Wanted to get an inside joke gift for Capricorn's dad, but the grocery store closed earlier than expected Christmas Eve, leaving me gift-less

2. I took Bailey to the vet on Saturday. When we got into the the exam room, Bailey:
a) Found a plush toy and humped it like he was trying to repopulate the earth with Muppets.
b) Let loose a stream of pee that soon became the sixth Great Lake, and then proceeded to stand in said yellow lake for dramatic effect.
c) Performed a soliloquy out of Macbeth

3. Capricorn and I went on a double-date on Saturday to see a live comedy show. The comedian joked that I probably have four chest hairs (only three, actually) and that Capricorn should:
a) Dump me for someone who doesn't like alcoholic beverages that require umbrellas and fruit
b) Go on Paris Hilton's My New BFF
c) Shove a Pepsi bottle in my ass because I'm probably into that

4. My family and Capricorn got me awesome presents for Christmas. I got a sweet DSLR camera that will enhance my ability to photograph strangers as they undress take walks in the park. Some other gifts are:
a) An electric shaver, a Griswold Family Christmas t-shirt and a gift certificate that my dad lost last year before Christmas and finally gave to me now.
b) The Hills on DVD, a Big Wheels, an animated blow-up doll, and your mom
c) Paintball lessons with Dwight Schrute, a hippo, my two front teeth, and your sister

5. There is another co-blog coming up Wednesday and Thursday, following up last week's Top 10 Sports Movie List with Joshlos. This time, Katie and I will write about:
a) Why any subsequent Batman sequel will just be a letdown unless one of the actors dies right before it opens, and how we think we can make this happen.
b) Why girls are silly if they wear booty shorts with "Juicy" on the butt and a low-cut shirt and then are mad that boys only want them for their bodies.
c) Our resolutions for the New Year, and our predictions for 2009, celebrity style.

Answer Key:
1. B: For a month, I had wanted to get her dad this gift, which is related to an inside joke about her mom never cooking him this dish. There was a frozen box of prepared chicken cordon bleu at the store that would've been perfect and sure to get laughs. The store closed early, and I had to go the gift card route. But he has a birthday in January, so I'll do it then.
2. B: The vet never blinked. She kept asking questions. And thanks for all the well wishes for Bailey. He'd thank you himself, but he's such a diva.
3. C: That show renewed my interest in doing improv or stand-up comedy someday.
4. A: I have a family full of good gift-giving. And if you're wondering, Capricorn got a Joe Flacco Baltimore Ravens jersey (exactly what she asked for... I had to special order it in the women's style), a DVD of Charlie Brown Christmas (which she absolutely loves to watch), and gold gloves, which she had been trying to find in stores for months.
5. C: And with Katie on board, it's sure to be hilarious.

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There was a tie for first place in my Favorite Christmas Movie poll, so I'll run a special poll to break the tie, through the rest of the week. Get those votes in for Love Actually or Elf (really? None of the classics won?)