To discuss a TV Play-by-Play: Top Model Cycle 12 Finale

The "America's Next Top Model" finale. It's here. The one you've all been wai.... the one you can't stop thi.... the one that was on last night.

Who knows what I'll do Play by Plays on next, with Top Model done for a few months. Suggestions?

Here's the nickname reminder:

Aminat- The Hair… Allison- Dracula… Teyona- Cruise

Eliminated: Carpe Diem (Ep. 1), Sea Cow (Ep. 2), Cucamonga (Ep. 3), Cheesecake (Ep. 4) Marathon (Ep. 5) Earl Grey (Ep. 6) London the Baptist (Ep. 7) TBA (Ep. 8) Fomula (Ep. 9) Model T (Ep. 10)

:05 Like a band geek left behind on a bus full of cheerleaders, Dracula feels out of place with best friends The Hair and Cruise.

:07 It's Cover Girl photoshoot/video time. Prediction: One of the girls has trouble remembering her lines. All eight of them. Modeling is tough!

:08 Last year's winner, McKey, is visiting to offer the girls' advice. Somewhere, Natasha Henstridge is frantically calling 911, asking for help in locating her gangly, awkward sister.

:09 The Hair gives a convincing performance for her commercial, after director Jay Manuel tells her to move her face around and stop being all "Botoxville" See: Housewives, The Real.

:10 The photographer says Dracula has that "Bettie Paige look." I'm not so sure I'd want a Dracula pin-up above my bed. That's more scary dream than wet dream.

:11 ... anddddd cue tears. Cruise forgot the words. I think they should put one of those bouncing dot things on a teleprompter to help the models. And the dot should be Tyra's face

:19 Based on those Cover Girls commercials, these are the weakest final three in recent Top Model memory. They're beautiful, sure, but... man... this is more like "Rhode Island's Top Model" or "The Greater Montana Area Top Model" compared to some past seasons (remember Jaslene, Renee and Natasha, Season 8?)

:20 Judging time. Soak in judge Paulina Porizkova now...'cause she got fired and won't be back. Bring back Janice Dickinson!

:21 Cruise's Cover Girl commercial is to acting trainwrecks as to Hilary Duff is to... well, acting trainwrecks.

:23 Tyra is telling the models how she thinks real people talk. I hope she doesn't use herself as an example, or the models will. start. talking in low. voices with. lots of pauses for. dramatic effect.

:29 Dracula is in...

:30 And so is... Cruise. That means The Hair, who was at one point referred to by judges as "a waste of a body," is going home. I'm so glad I don't have to go before judges to keep my job. I can only imagine what they'd refer me as a "waste of."

:32 Cruise's collarbone bothers me. It sticks out like an appendage, like a chest arm. I'm afraid a stray dog is going to jump on her and gnaw on it. And Dracula still has those bug eyes, which I said in the first episode "might hurt her chances." By hurt her chances, I meant "take her to the finals." Just to be clear.

:33 Does anyone have an idea how old Jay Manuel is? He hasn't aged since the series began.

:35 Try to understand this Top Model logic: Every season, the girls get maybe one runway lesson with Miss J, and have one or two runway challenges. But, in the season finale, with everything on the line, they have a mammoth runway show to serve as judging fodder. Makes no sense. Another thing that makes no sense: Capris.

:36 Tyra gives the girls a pep talk. The girls reaction: "Um-hmm... yeah.... yep." I've sounded more excited getting my taxes done than they do for the final runway show. Your final two, everyone!

:44 After two passes on the runway, it's time for the big finale. The big finale involves all the models coating themselves in black paint and writhing on the floor with each other. You read that right.

:48 Judging time. They're going through all of this season's photos for Dracula and Cruise. Here's a fruity photo of Dracula.


:57 And the winner is... Tyra Banks!
No, it's Cruise, who got her Play by Play nickname for saying she was a tomboy (as in, Tom Cruise).

This is the same Cruise who Tyra at one point described as having a windblown face... and now, she's America's Next Top Model.

To discuss a TV Play-by-Play: America's Next Top Model finale Part 2

Ask, and you shall receive. I was going to make you wait until tomorrow, but hey, this is a good blogging day on Wild ARS, so here you go... This is the second half of the TV Play-by-Play chronicling the mishaps of American's Next Top Model's season finale. For the first half, go here...We pick up with Samantha (Blondboobs) and McKey (BritMcKey) about to embark on the finale runway showdown, after Analeigh (Saudi Arabia) surprisingly got booted.

:32 The Seventeen magazine editor tells the girls they'll be on the cover if they win. Do 17-year-olds actually read that magazine? I'm guessing it's more for 12-year-old girls and bi-curious 16-year-old boys. Of course, you can learn a lot from reading women's magazines.
:33 Blondboobs says "Seventeen" is so right for her, since she was 17 "three months ago." (Note to Andy: Cancel erotic fantasies)
:34 The runway for this year's finale looks like a MarioKart track. Hopefully none of the girls are hit by any turtle shells.
:35 Tyra comes backstage to calm the girls. Totally unrelated note: Do you remember Tyra in "Higher Learning" with Ice Cube and Omar Epps? Such a good movie. Tyra is topless in that movie, just after she really hit it big as Will Smith's girl, Jackie, on "Fresh Prince." I still think that's her career highlight (am I talking about gratuitous nudity viewed by a 13-year-old, or Fresh Prince? Hmm).
:41 I've been to runway shows before. I just remember thinking that I wanted to feed the models a cheeseburger.
:42 Blondboob's runway walk is... uh... not the best. ANTM always demands the girls have great walks, but they only spend 1 episode early on teaching them how. That would be like all of you demanding that I'm funny in all my blog posts, but me never learning how to ohmygodimsosorry.
:44 These two are some of the worst runway walkers in the history of ANTM. Don't they know you just need to work the garment, keep your eyes focused, move your arms, and walk with your feet landing in a straight line to maximize the strut? Like it's hard.
:44 I love how designers pop out at the end to take a bow, and they are wearing normal street clothes, but they design clothes that look like picnic blankets and space ships.
:45 It's judging time. Tyra's shoulder pads look like they made their way from a Tea Leoni outfit.
:50 The judges review the girls' portfolios. I almost forgot how much different Blondboobs looked when she had long hair, and how much different BritMcKey was back when she was a boxer-type, not unlike Sweet Dee on "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia." (I'll eat your babies, bitch!)
:55 The judges say Blondboobs is "healthy" looking, i.e. She eats at least twice a day.
:56 Now both girls are described as "linebackerish." We're still describing chicks, here, right?
:57 America's Next Top Model is...
:58 BritMcKey!(I typed that before Tyra said it. I'm psychic.)
:59 McKey is so pumped, she picks up Tyra and Tyra's ample bosom all at once...so you know she's excited.

You think I get into this show? Just wait for American Idol and So You Think You Can Dance...

To discuss a TV Play-by-Play: America's Next Top Model is Easy, Breezy and Trainwreck-iful

It's the season finale of America's Next Top Model, Cycle Whatever-We're-On. It seems like just yesterday we were at last season's finale, when Whitney "Tyra Chose Me To Say She Had A Plus-Sized Girl Win" was the top model.
For a recap of last week's episode, check here.
Here are the final three, and for the first time since the beginning, I'm even going to tell you their real names to go with my nicknames:
Analeigh, "Saudi Arabia": So called because in the season opener, she told the judges she was once sold to a Saudi prince as his wife. Yeah, like that hasn't already happened to me a hundred times (Hey Talib, I'll call you, I promise, Daddy's been busy).
Brittany, "BritMcKey": So called because with two Brittanys on the show, Tyra demanded one of them change their names so she wouldn't have to deal with it. So, "McKey" was born. McKey has spent most of this season looking hot and talking out of the side of her mouth like a quadriplegic sock puppet.
Samantha, "Blondboobs": So called because she's the traditional blond with big boobs girl who is often the most popular in high school (She just turned 18).

Ready? Let's do it.

:05 The three remaining girls, still in Amsterdam, get their Tyra mail for the day. It's in Dutch, and translates to "Easy, Breezy, Beautiful," hinting at their Cover Girl commercial. Or, it means, "Easy, Sleazy, Payable," hinting at a commercial for Amsterdam's brothels.
:06 Every year, the final girls have to read part of a TV script in the host country's language. Every year, they are surprised. Other things ANTM girls never remember: There always is a nude shoot. There always is a shoot involving kissing a guy. There always is a runway show with a gimmick. There always is a Tyra photo shoot. There always is a lesbian in the house.
:07 Whitney, last season's winner, appears. She is 10 times bigger than the winner two seasons before her, Jaslene, which is to say, Whitney is normal size. Jaslene makes the Olsen twins look like gluttons.
:10 All the girls have trouble remembering their (four) lines for the Cover Girl commercial. I used to have to remember entire scripts for theater. They can't remember a handful of lines. Again, I say, vote me for Next Top Model.
:11 Saudi Arabia blows it (her lines, not your boyfriend*). Last time they did a commercial, she did the best of anyone. This time, she is the Michael Phelps of acting.
:18 Saudi Arabia, who is a bit of a hippie, is not a fan of bras. That's all I'll say. By the way, did anyone notice she and Blondboobs guest-starred on "The Big Bang Theory" this month?
:19 It's judging time. Sweet Fancy Moses, Tyra looks like Will Ferrell from "Zoolander." Her hair is cut almost exactly the same.
:21 Why does Tyra over-enunciate everything? She's two lines away from saying "The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plains."
:23 Saudi Arabia's bumbling commercial is shown. I felt more comfortable getting a physical in high school than I did watching that commercial. You know, the physical. The turn your head and cough test...Where a stranger tells you to drop your pants so he can play jai alai with your manhood. That one.
:24 This is the first time I've noticed this: BritMcKey walks with her back hunched over as if to look like a campaign spokesmodel for scoliosis. But she models so well. I don't get it... Anyway, I predict McKey gets through, with Saudi and Blondboobs in the bottom two.
:29 Well, I'm right, which sucks because I predicted Saudi would win the whole thing.
:30 Blondboobs goes on. Saudi goes home. She shouldn't be too down on herself. There's a palace in the Middle East waiting for her.

What happens next? Who wins the big runway showdown? Tune in tomorrow for the second half of this monster post...
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* .....yet.