To discuss spam fame that comes for just $19.95

With great Snuggie fame, comes a great Snuggie price (only $19.95! I jest.)

Yesterday afternoon, I got more spam than a homeless shelter. A dude named Ed, who from this point forward in the post will be referred to as D-Bag, left a spam comment, more or less like the one at the bottom, on about 35 of my posts. At one point, it had Chinese symbols, and now it's all this numbering crap.

Yet I find this to be a good thing.

Why? Well, just as it did then, spam inspires me. So, as I head off for a two-day reporters conference, I leave you with this, and a task. Please leave a comment with what you think D-Bag was trying to so desperately tell us. Now, logic would say that, given the symbols were all just hyperlinks to spam sites, he was just a simple spammer. But I think D-Bag had a deeper message for all of us.

My translation:
Dear Wild ARS Chase,
Your Snuggie post reminded me of my time as an infant, wrapped in a blanket as my mother/sister breastfed me. It also reminded me of how she breastfed me yesterday, but that's neither here nor there.
I just thought I'd leave this extended message to let you know that somewhere out there, there's a man who's heart is hurting deeply, so deeply he can only communicate in cryptic, unreadable blog comments. Wouldn't you feel the same, if you had thought your whole life that Charlotte the spider was going to live happily ever after with Wilbur, only to watch helplessly as she dies? Or discover that Zack and Kelly were only fictitious characters and that they didn't actually go to prom together in real life? Life's just not fair.
Speaking of fair, I decided to spam many of your posts, to spread the spam love. I also am touching myself at this exact moment, so as to spread a different kind of love. But that's neither here nor there.
I hope this spam finds you well, and that you forgive me for its length and confusion. I hope we can meet again someday, although I see you have since turned on word verification. Word verification is evil. It reminds me of when I was in school and the teacher would make fun of me because I couldn't read. I don't know what was so funny-- a lot of teenagers can't read. But that's neither here nor there.
Take care, and tell your readers I'm sorry that I caused word verification to get turned back on. But they are welcome to leave word verification definitions if they want.
Love, D-Bag


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To discuss word verification, thanks and porn

After a long but fun week of some lengthy, time-consuming posts (what, you think Cosmo and Brody Jenner write this stuff for me?), I'm turning over the reins to you today. Let's call it Word Verification Friday.
Just like we did once in December, here's your assignment when you comment on this post: Look at the spam verification word. Whatever it is, no matter what, you have to write a definition for it. So if it's "buffgwen,' for example, you could say it's a toned, taut former No Doubt singer.
If we get enough people participating, I'll do another Mad Libs. That should be motivation, right?

Thanks to all of you who gave me an Honest Scrap award recently (including Bianca, Kim, among others)-- muchas gracias. See? I'm so thankful I busted out my 9th grade Spanish. Tu madre trabajas en la esquina. I also got a Rockin' Girl Blogger Award from Jossie Posie. I think that's a compliment. Thanks, Jossie! Since I just handed out awards earlier this week, I'll just take these ones and run with them.

And don't forget, today is the last chance to vote in the Body Part poll. Vaginas are crushing so far. Transgendered readers are wayyyy behind with one vote, much to the chagrin of Isis.

Evidently, all of my talk about groins and Cosmo has gotten me porn-listed. I discovered this:
"One of our members added your page to the Pornography topic on StumbleUpon. Each time our members who are interested in Pornography "stumble upon" your page using our toolbar, it will record an entry on your referral logs."
I'm doing porn! Mom, take a look at me now!

To discuss Word Verification Mad Libs

I wondered if you all would be up for the challenge of writing word verification definitions. Needless to say, you were. Might I add you are sick and twisted. To thank you for your efforts and to give each of you a little link love, I put nearly all the definitions below except for a few that weren't really definitions and sounded like IKEA furniture...

So, here it is. A Mad Libs edition... I've grouped the definitions into nouns, adjectives, adverbs and verbs (I took my best guess...And if I didn't categorize them right, suck it. Go hug a Webster's dictionary, word nerd. This is for giggles)... I added some extra words as needed, although you can add your own and modify as needed. Yes, it's lengthy, but I was trying to maximize the use of your definitions, many which are directly used... I'd suggest reading the definitions first... Have fun, and feel free to leave samples in the comments or on your own blogs...

America's Next Top Model Mad Lib

Tyra Banks was in trouble. She needed to reinvigorate her show, America's Next Top Model, after a lackluster season kept ratings low.
"What am I going to do?" Tyra whined on her talk show, which she only has because she's a (noun). "I need new ideas, something that will really (verb) people to watch."
Tyra looked everywhere for inspiration. She looked to Miss J and Jay Manuel, but they were too busy (verb) each other. She watched her long-lost film, Higher Learning, remembering she was topless in that movie.
"I was so (adj) back then," Tyra said with a flick of her weave.
Tyra even went to food for help, consulting a (noun), whose great (noun) caused her to gain a few pounds after her modeling career ended (pounds she tried to lose by taking (noun)). After spending hours at his (noun) talking about (noun) and eating (noun), she realized she was wasting her time. Nothing helped.

Then, she had an idea.
"I just need to (verb) this problem head-on. What if I (verb)? No, no that won't work. Wait, that's it! I'll have the first modeling show just for dudes!" Tyra exclaimed, using her crazy voice and not that low-talking (adj) voice she uses when announcing eliminations.
Tyra called all of her friends, from Heidi Klum, who stopped making out with Seal long enough to help, to Janice Dickinson, who (adverb) exited Top Model years ago. Heidi said the idea could work, as long as the judges are (adj) and know the ways of the (noun).
They all agreed that Tyra really needed the help of a (noun), who knew secret spells.
"This is great. My problems are solved!" Tyra said. Exhausted from all that thinking, she decided to take some time off.

Tyra spent the next week neglecting her duties, confident that her Male Modeling show would be a hit on the CW, a network that loves (noun). She even got a little (adj.) and made a secret (noun) with Nigel Barker. He totally (verb) her.
But that was the least of Tyra's problems. When she got back from her vacation, CW executives told her the idea was (adj). The male models don't look good in bikinis like the girls do, the execs said. There's too much (noun).
"I feel like I'm going to (verb)," Tyra said, her face looking like she saw a (noun).
Tyra sulked, and went back to her office. Usually, she is (adj.) about these types of setbacks, but not this time. After months of teasing on Talk Soup on the E! Network, and Wild ARS's witty-but-true comments on her (adj.) reality show, Tyra didn't know if she really wanted to keep doing TV.
Miss J peered into the office, fresh from his afternoon of (verb) with his (her?) friends. Sensing frustration, Miss J (verb) on Tyra's shoulder. They hugged for a bit, and Tyra accepted the sad reality of her reality show.
Through the tears, her voice sounding like she had (noun), Tyra pledged to move on to new things.
Maybe she'll be a (noun).
--------------------------------------------
Verbs:
Vensubt: (v) A shortening of the word vensubtation, which means to slap a person's chin with ones balls...."I totally vensubted Barbie last night and guess what....she liked it!"
Optional verbs: Filibuster; Mount; Pillage; Smash; Drink; Smoke; Poop; Whack, Give, Hand, Tug, Bump, Bend, Pound, Tape, Push.

Adjectives
Flowli: (adj) To go with the flow, as in "I go-li with the flow-li."
Acked: (adj.) Extremely drunk, leading into a horrifying hangover.
As in: "Oh man, I didn't get home until three on Saturday night, I was completely acked."
Miable: (adj./v.) Something that can be claimed. "That book is miable." Or, a way of laying dibs... "You can't eat that, I already miablated it."
Optional adjectives: Nutty, Sexy, Whorish, Plump, Funny, Moaner, Charmer, Bangable, Loser, Terrible, Lovely, Sucks, Dumb, Trashy

Adverbs
Reapsy: (adv.): An extreme, often caffeine-induced, level of mental and physical discomfort similar to being frazzled..."This venti nonfat nofoam gingersnap latté is making me all reapsy!"
Optional adverbs: Clumsily, Sloppily, Happily, Devishly, Cunningly, Drunkenly, Foolishly, Olsentwinsily

Nouns
Ovedactr: (n) A celebrity chef gone bad, aka Martha Stewart.
Hanti: (n) A poltergeist fixated on ladies' undergarments. From the Southern United States term "haint" and pan-North American "panties". See also: phanthong.
Opreho: (n) A woman who is being pimped out by Oprah.
Stoft: (n) The name of the noise that is made when you sit down in a leather chair and you're meeting your significant other's parents for the first time.
Jawse: (Ja-see) (n) The group of gangbanger sharks that hang around Jaws.
Calval- (n) A pill that contains Valium and also helps with your diet by helping you cut calories.
Rutsome: (n) The appealing nature of the stag to the doe deer..."Faline thought that Bambi was extremely rutsome!"...Used interchangeably with the phrase "Nice Rack!"
Everater (eve-RAY-ter): (n) - Definitely the first woman to ever rate guys on a scale of 1-10.
Werscryo (whar-SKREE-oh): (n) - A chronic throat infection caused by excessive moaning and/or screaming during sexual activity. "Sorry hunny, the doctor said I'll have to skip the dirty talk until my werscryo calms down."
Garicri: (n) A scratchy undergarment wool-like fabric found only in Iceland. Root words "gary" "ice" and "cry"...e.g.: Next time you go skiing, take garicri long johns, they'll keep you toasty.
Fluectoe (n.) pr. flü\EK\tō (floo-ek-tow): Male version of camel toe..."Dude, did you see Scott's fluectoe in those jeans?? It totally looked like he was smuggling biscuits!"
Lacesha: (n) An emotion consisting of disappointment mixed with fear, e.g..."Nadine experienced a wave of lacesha at the realization that her dog had projectile diarrhea."
Hydec: (n) - A wooden structure connected to the back of a house that is too tall to be a patio, yet too close to the ground to be a deck.
Osulater: (n) Slang for Oh See You Later
Worcerer (n.): A slutty sorcerer.
Fedical: (n) The study of fecal matter in a medical setting; also the study of Britney Spears' ex husband.
Scrighti: (n) A pasta dish from the little known Amazonian tribe of Polkadotorius
Andratio: (n) To write "and ratio" when your space bar is broken. E.G. " Maybe next time. We might need a cuter black couple to win. The balance andratio just didn't even out."
Bogindb: (n) A drunk person's bodega.
Tatedes: (n) A hybrid vegetable from potatoes & Swedes.
Optional nouns: Fetus, Dogs, Rudolph, Cosmo, Boobs, Praying Mantis, Bourbon, Paris Hilton, Kitten

To discuss some quick thoughts on polls, charity and word verification

Some quick thoughts:

• The Top 90s Young TV Couples poll closed on Sunday. In an election more heated than Obama vs. McCain, Zack/Kelly of Saved by the Bell narrowly lost out to the winner, Cory/Topanga of Boy Meets World. Kevin/Winnie pulled out a third-place finish. Kermit and Miss Piggy garnered just seven votes, their worst showing since the made-for-TV Muppet Christmas special. I'm not surprised Cory/Topanga won. They always seemed right for each other, even in real life. It's nice to know Ben Savage and Fred Savage had a strong showing.
  

• Will/Lisa, "Fresh Prince"	2 (1%)
  Zack/Kelly, "Saved by the Bell"	27 (25%)
  Cory/Topanga, "Boy Meets World"	29 (27%)
  D.J./Steve, "Full House"	6 (5%)
  Dawson/Joey, "Dawson's Creek"	9 (8%)
  Kermit/Miss Piggy, "Muppet Babies"	7 (6%)
  Kevin/Winnie, "The Wonder Years"	19 (18%)
  Stefan/Laura, "Family Matters"	1 (0%)
  Kirk Fogg/Olmec "Legends of the Hidden Temple"	1 (0%)
  Other	3 (2%)

• Another poll is up, this one for just two weeks. The question: When do you put up holiday decorations? I had mine up before Thanksgiving this year, a record. At this rate, I'll be celebrating Valentine's Day on New Year's.
  

• If you haven't already, check out JenBun's post, which links to an effort to raise money for the Lupus Foundation of America; her blog friend, Rachel, has a sister-in-law that suffers from the disease. You can donate through her site. At least one of us out there is doing something good. I spent much of last night swearing at a treadmill and eating granola bars. (Capricorn and I decided to start working out.)
  

• If you leave a comment, here's your assignment: Look at the spam verification word. Whatever it is, no matter what, you have to write a definition for it. So if it's "aslongo,' for example, you could say it's Swedish long underwear. Get it? I would like to be impressed, and I know you won't let me down.