To discuss a Maxim review: February 2010

Despite being eminently popular with Google searches, I haven't had the chance to do a Maxim review lately. And then, when I finally get to do one, Amanda Bynes is on the cover. What do I have to do to get away from Amanda Bynes? First Cosmo, now this. And that cover photo looks like she just woke up at an all-night study session that ended in a half-naked mistake. Oh well. It's the February 2010 Maxim review. Don't read on if you're offended by Maxim, scandalous photo links or Tiger Woods jokes.

• Reader letter: "Your models always wear the sexiest panties. Luckily my girlfriend puts me in charge of buying all her intimates. Where can i buy the stuff your ladies wear?" Let me translate: "OMG you guys, I want to buy panties just like the ones on your models. For, um, my *cough* girlfriend *cough*. Can I get them online so no one has to see me buy them?"
• Five Airlines That Cater to Your Every Vice: Porn- Alaska Airlines is one of the only wi-fi equipped airlines that does not block inappropriate content. So besides the crying baby, the morbidly obese seatmate, the loud cell phone talker and the snorer, I now have to deal with "party in his pants" guy? I hope he's not the one sitting beside the emergency exit, or "open the hatch" will be too many entendres to handle.
• Women of the World: Camila Tavare. I'm including this NSFW link for all the Google sexytime searchers, who, we now know, are going to view her near-naked picture while on Alaska Airlines. Camila may be incredibly sexy, but she's 20 years old. Which means she could have been born in 1990. Andddddddd flaccid.
• Michelle Branch was in Maxim? Whose next, Vanessa Carlton?
• Happy Valentine's Day... The world's sappiest holiday is the best night of the year for no-strings sex ... "Something about the fact that it was Valentine's Day made me feel way sluttier than normal," said Jenny, 25. And now the mystery is solved. We now know who gets all those "For a good time call..." messages in rest stop bathrooms. It's Jenny.
• Cover girl Amanda Bynes: OK, not to get too graphic, but the (non-nude) sheer dress in this photo makes it look like she has cameltoe. And, in a fun fact, did you know Nick Cannon was on "All That" with Amanda? Neither did Mariah. Mariah is going to stab that bitch.
• Bynes: ""Some people still see me as a kid, but I'm a 23-year-old woman now." The Olsen twins are legal, too, but that still makes it creepy.
  
• Tiger's temptress: A photo spread with Tiger's mistress, Jaimee Grubbs. Jaimee says her first time with Tiger was "passionate and sweet." That sound you heard was Elin smashing an eight iron on Tiger's golf cart. BTW, Jaimee is not an attractive woman. Why has this not been brought up?
  
• 31 Things You Absolutely Did Not Need to Know: Snippets from real celeb autobiographies. Sarah Palin "If God had not intended for us to eat animals, how come He made them out of meat?" Actually, he made them out of carbon, but why get technical. Carbon tastes delicious after a 20 minutes on the grill.
  
• For my British readers: London native Keeley Hazell, who is famous for being a Page 3 Girl (a semi-nude model) in The Sun newspaper. Clearly, I'm working at the wrong type of newspaper. Keeley says her big chest causes big backaches. This assuredly is true, but Maxim readers probably don't want to her busty girls say there back hurts. What's next, that girls don't like going down on guys?

To discuss cheating on my longtime lover between the sheets

I'm cheating on someone I've slept with for years.

Oh God, that feels much better getting that off my chest. I now sleep with a long, slender, white partner (a black one would be silly). Not that I should talk-- my ex is as orange as The Situation.

But sleeping with this new partner is so exciting and so fresh. I'm always trying new positions, lately favoring curling my leg around, laying on my side and groping the supple body beside me. It's very kama sutra.

My history with my ex goes back to when I was just entering my teenage years. One day, I happened to see my now-ex at Wal-mart, and it was love at first sight. With a curvy body, a soft touch and a sporty appearance, I couldn't pass 'em up.

That began a love affair that could have inspired the romanciest of romance stories, or even the creation of the word "romanciest."

Night after night, we cuddled, its body always underneath me, missionary style, usually under one shoulder or the other. It always helped my neck and back feel more comfortable, plus it felt nice pressed up against me. We went on trips around the country together, from Texas to New Hampshire. It even was open to threesomes, accommodating the thousands of ladies* who joined us in bed. Sure, it was always a little awkward the morning after, as it seemed put off that I ultimately cuddled with the woman, but it never held a grudge.

* Clarification: "Thousands" means "some**"
** "Some" means "Does spooning count?"

But this month, I knew the time had come to confess the relationship was over. I had already cheated on it one lonely night in Chicago, finding a long, beautiful lover in my hotel bed, yearning to envelope my body.

I had to get one of my own. Just like James Franco on "30 Rock" recently, I had felt an undeniable connection to my full-length companion, except mine didn't have the appearance of Japanese manga porn.

So I went out and found one for $10. White. Huggable. Soft.

Hypoallergenic.

Perhaps I should mention my bedmate is a body pillow, and not a cheap Caucasian whore (see, it's not your mom after all).

Yes, I now share a bed with Capricorn, Leo, Bailey and Body Pillow. Capricorn is not convinced there is room enough for all of us, and she may be right. I hope she's comfortable on the couch.

It was time to make a change. My basketball pillow, the one I've had since middle school, now looks like an amorphous Dora the Explorer, minus the hair, backpack and exuberance for cartography.

I just don't know how to let it go. This isn't some stuffed animal to cast aside, a la Stephanie's Mr. Bear on Full House. It's not. (It's not, Andy, it's not. You don't sleep with a stuffed animal, you little girl.)

I wish I could quit you, basketball pillow. For now, you will reside beside the bed like a drunken co-ed slouched beside the toilet.

I'd toss it out, but I'd be afraid it would write a tell-all book about all the dirty things it's seen in the past decade-plus. You know ... pillow talk.

To discuss a TV Play by Play: Teen Mom season finale

Jersey Shore wrapped up last week.

Teen Mom is wrapping up this week.

What in the world am I supposed to do next week? I already watched The Pregnancy Pact. I guess I'll get by, somehow. Here's last week's recap, if you missed it. Baby recap: Leah- Amber/Gary; Carly- Catelynn/Tyler; Bentley- Maci/Deadbeat Ryan; Sophia-Farrah/Her mom. Let's get all Teen Mom up in this piece. It's the extended-length season finale.

:01 Leah can now say "Mama," which is adorable. And soon, she'll be able to say other frequently-heard words, like "Gary" "useless" and "domestic violence."
:04 Farrah is tired of being a single mom. I don't think she should worry, though. It's only a matter of time before Slade and Gretchen break up and he moves on to the next housewife. She could be next!
:05 Maci's friend asks what we've all been wondering: Why does she keep going back to Ryan? There's a long awkward pause, before Maci says it's for Baby Bentley. I'm now convinced Ryan is secretly playing subliminal messages while Maci sleeps: "You loooove Ryan. You love his chewing tobacco. And you love his inability to articulate. Stay with him no matter what."
:07 For some reason, I like Butch. And I'm not just saying that in case he reads this and decides he wants to murder me... Butch thinks Tyler is silly for wanting to propose to Catelynn. Yes, because at this point, those two kids are just in puppy love, Butch.
:08 Teen Mom Finale special with Dr. Drew? Yes, please. Amber might be pregnant, Farrah is still boyless, Ryan hates Maci, Catelynn might get to hold her baby. It's all gold. I kinda think Ryan and Farrah will hook up. Just an early prediction.
:15 Gary is crying as he talks about how he misses Amber. Is he thinking of the Amber I'm thinking of? She yells at him for breathing ... Amber is putting her GED on hold so she can have time to work and criticize Gary. I mean, there's only so much time in the day.
:23 Catelynn and Tyler again show their maturity by being happy to see photos of Carly with her adoption family. Don't they know that ruins the fun? What good is Teen Mom if people are reasonable and sane?
:33 I'll just put this out here. Leah looks like Gary.
:34 Maci says she and her mom spent about $200 on Bentley's 1st birthday party (pictured on right), not including presents. I'm turning 27 in two Saturdays, and I might not even have $200, total. Should I ask Maci to adopt me? Is that weird?
:38 Farrah takes Sophia to the zoo for more mommy/daughter time. Sophia is incredulous to this "Mommy wants to be around me" development, and demands MTV return her real mommy by the end of this episode.
:41 See, Gary and Amber have the right thought. They are going to Family Dollar for Leah's birthday party supplies. Ya see, Maci? Note that Gary, who isn't even with Amber anymore, still volunteers to help with the birthday stuff. Ya see, Ryan? Ryan? You still alive? Blink twice and mumble something if you are... OK, good.
:44 Farrah,who calls herself a MILF, and her sister are both single. I smell a spinoff show. "Date my Mommy/Auntie," with Sophia crawling to whichever boy she wants to send off on a date. And the boy must go through an interview with Farrah's mom. And, just for good measure, with Butch, too.
:45 Baby Bentley gets a Halloween birthday party. Maci dressed up as ... a naughty school girl? And Ryan dressed up as ... kind of a douche? What a strange party.
:54 We're near the hour mark, and Amber hasn't busted out crying Asian face. This is the saddest development since Kelly and Zack broke up at the prom so she could date Jeff.
1:02 Don't think for a second I'd let Farrah's mom's fur coat slip past me. Because of animal rights? No- because of fashion rights! It looked like she had a family of foxes biting her shoulders.
1:03 Hold the phone. Did Maci always have that upper lip stud in? ... It looks like Maci and Ryan are going to break up. What's next, Brad and Angelina? Oops.
1:11 There are an absurd amount of nutcrackers in Farrah's house. Take a look during the repeats. It's borderline creepy.
1:13 OK, Tyler is ridiculously sweet. And now he is going to propose to Catelynn ... just as soon as they watch a video on how to tie a necktie. "I never wore a tie in my life... 'cept 'dem snap-on ones!" Butch says. How can you not love this guy! Wait, don't answer that.
1:20 Ryan has gray hairs on his head. I know this, because he is doing his usual "look down at the ground and avoid eye contact during an argument" thing. "Can you not see that it kills me?" Maci says to Ryan about his lack of care. Ryan gives a half-hearted apology. Maci leaves. That was horrible, and I only had to watch it, not live it. Hey, at least when Bentley gets older, he can look back fondly at other parts of this episode... well, some of this episode ... well, he got a cool haircut.
1:22 Gary apologizes, and even uses the word "empathy." Amber says she's not going to run back to him like she always does, and seems more or less unmoved by his speech. I don't know who this Amber is, but I would like my old one back. Preferably the hysterically emotional one.
1:24 OK, I'll admit I almost just Asian Ambered when Tyler gave his heartfelt proposal. And, unlike Gary, he didn't get his ring at Wal-mart (with a return receipt, don't forget). He even took her to a classy restaurant. Can I marry Tyler?

So, should I do a recap of the reunion special? Let me know. And Tyler? E-mail me. XOXO.

To discuss a magazine review: From GQ to Wine Spectator

As of today, Capricorn and I have subscriptions to the following magazines:

1. Esquire
2. GQ
3. Cosmopolitan
4. Vanity Fair
5. Entertainment Weekly
6. Maxim
7. AARC Times
   
8. Respiratory Care Journal
   
9. Wine Spectator

We're not sure how Capricorn got subscribed to Wine Spectator. It just keeps showing up. Capricorn believes that now makes her a wino, not to be confused with a Winehouse, who also loves to drink wine but combines it with black tar heroin.

But that gives us 9 magazines. Wait! Ten magazines- I get ESPN the Magazine digitally.

Considering I'm in the media, and that I blog about Cosmo and Maxim (a Maxim review will be up soon), I think that's a good amount. Plus, I want to write for a magazine at some point. So its job research. It's much cheaper than buying them in the store. That, and I can save the embarrassment of trying to buy Cosmo for myself.

Entertainment Weekly and Vanity Fair were recent add-ons, as they were practically giving them away on Amazon.com. EW is the trash, VF is the class. Unless it's that naked Miley Cyrus issue. Then everybody's a loser.

Esquire and GQ are both for entertainment, style and great features. That, and a fair amount of thinly-veiled nipples, which in many ways are sexier than Playboy nipple -- I prefer to Where's Waldo my photo nipples, as you appreciate it much more when you find it.

So where does it stop? Do we keep adding subscriptions until we resemble gas station magazine rack? If we get any more magazines, I'll have to start drinking more fluids to add to my bathroom reading time. There's only so much time in the day.

Do we start subscribing to everything we see, from Cat Fancy to World of Warcraft Official Magazine to Girls & Corpses? Playboy keeps sending me offers in the mail for a steeply-discounted subscription, blithely unaware I can see all the nude girls I want online for free, or on most episodes of "True Blood." Eventually, Hef will learn about the World Wide Web.

What magazines do you subscribe to? If you answer World of Warcraft, please stop following my blog. I won't hold it against you. Society will, but I won't. But if you have a magazine subscription you're ashamed of, now is the time to confess. Meme this up...

To discuss the cable pact: Should I put Comcast up for adoption?

While watching Lifetime's "The Pregnancy Pact" on Saturday night...

... shut up, you so watched it and were all like, "OMG" and "WTF?" too. It was like Teen Mom: Pinky Swear Edition...

.... anyway, while watching the movie, one of the girls tells her friend, who just had a baby in recent months, that maybe she should consider adoption. I had never thought about the fact you don't have to give the kid up for adoption straight out of the womb, but Capricorn reminded me you can give a kid up for adoption as long as they are still a minor.

Holy crap, if I don't like my kid or he's getting too expensive, I can trade him in? Incredible news!

Speaking of which, cable TV.

(Sorry for those who wanted a teen mother post. Perhaps try this.)

I need some advice. I am strongly considering canceling my cable TV service with Comcast, aka Satan's Placenta, and switching to DirectTV. I still have to keep Comcast for the Internet, as there aren't many other, comparable options, and by comparable, I don't mean something that will harken back to the days of "You've Got Mail," "56k" and "cybering."

I'll lose the bundle package deal by leaving, although I already figured out a way to get the Internet bill lowered some to offset the difference.

I'd like to leave Comcast cable for a variety of reasons, including its jacked up cost, the fact it's a monopoly, and its so-so performance. And that it hates freedom.

Direct TV offers a sweet 1-year deal, and in the second year of the two-year contract, the price is about what I pay now with Comcast. But that includes HD and DVR services. For the first time, I could have HD, which will make it much easier to point out flaws in the Real Housewives' complexions (Zit! Wrinkle! Frigid bitch!). And I'd get a free HD DVR receiver. And a $100 debit card. And a BJ.* (* Bought with the debit card.)

But I've never used satellite before, and like all unfamiliar things, I get a little xenophobic. So, dear reader, can you tell me if you've used Direct TV, and any pluses/minuses you've experienced? If you have horror stories with cable companies or satellite companies, please share. If you have horror stories from teen pregnancy, well, you can share those, too.

For the dish installation, I'm supposed to have an unobstructed view of the southern sky, which sounds like either Jodie Foster dialogue from "Contact," or something a nerdy nerd would worry about. Since I'm a nerdy nerd, I'm wondering if I should be worried that I won't have a completely unobstructed view (partially blocked by our housing complex); several neighbors have Direct TV, albeit with better views. Maybe I should just go to their house.

To discuss eyewear and people who love harder

My glasses came in today... What do you think? I think they do a nice job of framing my non-Jewish Jewish nose.


... And now on to more serious matters. I got a request from LiLu and other bloggers to post some info in honor of one of the cooler bloggers out there, Brandy, in hopes of lifting her spirits in what must be a tough situation- much tougher than getting nagged by your mom, right Farrah?
Check out the video- it's six types of amazing. On one hand, I'm glad I'm not in it because my future offspring would have been embarrassed by the inevitable failure I would have filmed... on the other hand, those are some cool, selfless bloggers.
--------------------------
"The quandry: We feel terrible. Just horrible. And oh so helpless... if only there was something we could DO for them.

The answer: Ummmm. Did you forget that WE ARE THE INTERNET?!?!!??! And also, Yes We Can!!!

The result: Brandy and your Hot Awesome Dude... this one's for you. Love, The Internet."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Our Plea

Our friend Brandy is a brilliant writer, a wonderful teacher, and a generous friend. And she is in love with a man who has just been diagnosed with multiple myeloma.

We are raising money for the Multiple Myeloma Research Fund in his name. For the price of a cinnamon dolce latte, half-caf, hold the whip, you can be part of an effort to cure a disease that affects approximately 750,000 people worldwide.

http://www.loveharder.org

Every dollar brings us a dollar closer to a cure. And every donation brings a sliver of hope to a girl who needs all the hope she can get.

Love Harder,
Andy


What You Can Do

• Give. Be part of a worldwide effort to cure a disease that affects approximately 750,000 people worldwide. Every dollar helps.
  
  
• Pass it on. Forward this story to five people. Share this blog post. Become our fan on Facebook.
  
  
• Love harder. Life is short, love is unbending, and no one knows what could happen next. Tell someone you love them today.

Where Your Money Goes

• The American Institute of Philanthropy recently named The Multiple Myeloma Research Foundation one of the best organizations to give to in terms of their accountability and use of resources.
  
  
• By working closely with researchers, clinicians and partners in the biotech and pharmaceutical industry, the MMRF has helped bring multiple myeloma patients four new treatments that are extending lives around the globe.
  
  
• The MMRF has advanced twenty Phase I and Phase II clinical trials. They need your support to advance these clinical research programs and accelerate the development of better, more effective treatments.
  
  
• The MMRF's Multiple Myeloma Genomics Initiative recently became the first to sequence the multiple myeloma whole genome in its entirety.
  
  
• A whopping 98% of your donation to the MMRF will be used immediately to support high-priority multiple myeloma research.
  
  
• With diminishing funding for early stage drug development and the next myeloma treatments not expected to be approved until 2011, the MMRF desperately needs your help.
  

Brandy's Story
My name is Brandy. And I have a blog.

And a plea.

I use my blog to showcase the crazy I meet everyday, share the stories of the kids I teach, and document my love for tequila, dairy products and the abdominal muscles of Ryan Reynolds.

Rarely do I talk about personal issues on my blog-- as personal as the dude that I adore. But I need your help. And it involves my dude.

He's a guy who made math comics for my class, so they would love learning about addition. He's the guy who sends my friends gift cards when they are having hard times, who remembers every story I ever told him, who was the first person I celebrated with when I got a teaching job.

He's the guy who sent flowers to me at school-- dozens of my favourite pink roses just because he loves me. He's a guy who has spent a year patiently explaining (and re-explaining) everything there is to know about football during the important games when silence is preferred.

He's made me word puzzles and comics and stayed up late playing Scrabble with me (even though I beat him almost every time). He's listened to me cry about school and family and jobs. He is everything I never knew I needed and everything I always knew I wanted.

I realize this all sounds dramatic, a Lifetime movie in the making-- but this is life. Right now. And I'm throwing away any hint of ego and am humbly asking for you to pray or think kind thoughts. If you are able to pass this on, thank you.

This isn't a call for sympathy or a plea for pity. It's just one girl hoping you can think positive thoughts for the person she adores. If my current heartache provides you with anything, let it be the reminder that life is short, love is unbending and no one knows what could happen next.

Thank you for reading this, and if you haven't already? Please tell someone you love them today.

I did.

DONATE: http://www.loveharder.org
CONTACT: theloveharderfund@gmail.com
FACEBOOK: http://facebook.loveharder.org
MORE INFO: http://www.themmrf.org

To discuss a TV Play by Play: Teen Mom is your baby daddy

You are all finally coming out of the woodwork and admitting you like Teen Mom. I know you left me high and dry during the premiere, like I was the only one who indulged in watching teenagers squabble about babies. But now, I know it, and you know it. You loves yous some Teen Mom.
Well, there's a bit of good news for you, then, which you'll find out toward the end of the show. Here we go:

:01 Amber is already yelling at Gary, this time for, uh, breathing or existing. These kids are going to make it, I just know it ... Amber has to take Leah to her job interview at the salon, and says she's great at multitasking - as she gets distracted by her baby.
:02 Baby Bentley can walk at age 1. No wonder- he's trying to escape from Ryan. Now Maci wants to put Bentley in daycare so she can get school work done. Too bad Leah and Bentley can't attend the same day care: "Fail Care: You Make 'Em, We Take 'Em"
:05 Does the camera man just sit there and film Farrah sleeping? And do you notice she sleeps with makeup on? Meanwhile, Farrah's mom comes in to choke and shove Farrah feed Sophia.
:06 Catelynn says "I wish our baby was here" every episode. New drinking game! (Other drinking games: Every time Amber yells at Gary... Every time Amber does her crying Asian face ... Every time Farrah has a date... Every time Ryan rolls his eyes)
:12 "Do you want me to slit your throat, cause I will," Maci says of Ryan. Maci, now it's on film. You have no alibi when you inevitably murder him.
:13 Air Force recruiter to Tyler, as he gestures to Catelynn: "Is this your... " Tyler: "Girlfriend." Correct answer: "Kinda my sister, but that's just semantics."
:15 Baby Leah is shirtless more than the Girls Gone Wild cast. Gary is trying to convince Amber he loves her by arguing with her. Surprisingly, she doesn't drop her pants and beg him to make sweet Gary love to her.
:21 Amber doesn't want to rely on government assistance, which is commendable. So why doesn't she just ask MTV for her own spin-off show to make money? "The Gary Gets Smacked Show"? I'd watch it. You would, too.
:25 Farrah has excuses for everything her mom blames her for. I have yet to hear her excuse about why she wears so much eyeliner.
:28 I can't believe this, but I think Ryan might have a point -- Maci didn't look like she was trying hard to pass her classes before she decided to drop out. I just agreed with Ryan. Please adjust your Mayan end-of-the-world calendars accordingly.
:29 Amber is apartment hunting, which makes me wish she and Gary would go on "House Hunters." Sample voiceover: "Gary likes House #1, because he can lock himself in the basement away from Amber, while Amber likes House #3, which has extra room for her to relax in when she feels overAsianed. What house will they choose? Who the **** knows?"
:34 Maybe Maci should sell her Fast & Furious car to have extra money for daycare.
:36 Tyler is going to give Catelynn an engagement ring ... except he's not going to propose ... so it's like a promise ring ... and he wants to be with her forever. I think that's the plan. Tyler, if you put yourself back on the dating market, you'd have more 17-year-old girls lined up than you could shake a cockeyed hat at.
:39 Gary says he's a resentful person and he doesn't want to be around Amber. That makes Amber cry. Asian face! Drink up!
:44 Farrah uses the Craigslist Omaha page! Somebody check the "Casual Encounters" page for recent activity, asap! ... Farrah has it the nicest of all the Teen Moms - paid bills, in-house babysitter - and yet says she can't stand it and wants to move out. I can kinda sorta see why Farrah's mom choked her (and shoved her in 16 and Pregnant). Doesn't make it right, but...
:48 Amber officially moved out of Casa de Gary, officially ending the War on Terror.
:49 Holy crap! Ten new girls on the new season of "16 & Pregnant," debuting next month! Like manna from heaven, except its bastard kids! P.S. Didn't those girls watch the show last year and think, "Hey, maybe I shouldn't get preggers in high school?"
:54 Tyler is picking out rings. He has $1,700 saved up. Suddenly, I'm envious of a 17-year-old who can't even grow facial hair yet.
:55 Farrah looks at apartments, and realizes how nice she has it. That's only natural, considering she was looking at a frat house and what appears to be a brothel.
:58 Amber gets the salon job as a front desk receptionist. At this point, I'm hoping for a crossover event with Tabitha's Salon Takeover.

Next week: Season finale...

To discuss a Cosmo review: January 2010

I'm confused by the January edition of Cosmopolitan magazine. It promises me 100 percent hotter sex ... which is impossible, because that means you were having 0% sex before. That means you were either getting it on with the Virgin Mary (and in that case, you may be Jesus' dad), or you are confused and thought having sex involved mommy and daddy and a stork.

But, because of all of you, I will read on and give you all the insight you need, saving you time and money in the process. There may even be a Maxim review on the way, too.

Side note: As part of my New Year's resolutions, I'm hoping to get an article published in a magazine at some point. I am confident I've got the skills to write for Cosmo, but have no idea what to pitch for a story. Ideas are welcome. I wonder if I should mention in my query letter that Ben and I wrote an entire fake Cosmo?

And now on to the Cosmo review... as always, don't read this if you don't like rated-R content or were offended by my Virgin Mary joke.
-------------------------

• Cosmo cover: Your Hoo-Ha Handbook: Get a Healthy, Sexy Vagina. Step 1: Don't call it your hoo-ha. Step 2: I've never heard a guy say, "I'd date that girl, but her hoo-ha is just not sexy enough." Never.
  
• Hot Sheet: Kissing and Telling... Ijustmadelove.com lets people brag about where they got it on. I'm not sure yet if this site is disturbing, fascinating, arousing or all of the above. For instance, this guy in my state wrote that he and his girl got it on at an elementary school playground. But he doesn't mention how old the girl is ... hmm.
• Cover girl Amanda Bynes: Something about her is off-putting, and I can't figure out what. Might be that she's randomly on the recent covers of both Cosmo and Maxim. Might be the fake blond hair. Might be that I remember her on "All That" when she was 11, and now she's 23 and has boobs. This must be what Bob Saget felt like looking at Jodie Sweetin.
• Sexy vs. Skanky: Mary Carey's soccer ball cleavage is skanky. Somewhere, Snookie is sniffling and confused.
• Cosmo Guy Confessions: A guy and his girlfriend picked out a vibrator to buy at a sex shop, only to be told by the cashier that was a lousy model and to choose a different one. Imagined conversation: "Oh, no, you don't want Purple Thunder. Try our most popular brand, the Tiger Woods In My Hoo-Ha."
• The Guy Report: Dumb advice he's getting- 'There's nothing worse than staring at a girl's chest. You should use your skills not to look--she'll wonder why her womanly powers don't work, and she'll subconsciously try to get you to look.' On the other hand, Cosmo spend time each month advising women to use cleavage to their advantage. Something's got to give. Maybe women should just give guys 10 uninterrupted seconds to get the staring out of the way. Or guys can show more man cleavage to even things out. Either way.
• Sexy Tips from Victoria's Secret Models, such as bending forward when fastening a bra to get extra cleavage, or wearing boy-cut hipsters to feel sexy without silly lingerie. Andy's tip: Don't wear Angel Wings into the bedroom. You'll poke an eye out, and look like a slutty Tinkerbell.
  
• Your biggest girl-on-top worries, solved: 'What if I break his penis?' Bouncing too enthusiastically and missing the target... can hurt your guy. Make sure he doesn't pull out all the way. And if you do break his penis, you'll get the bonus benefit of seeing your man cry like a little bitch.
• Does Your Man Have A Sole Sex Problem? Tell him he's seemed dissatisfied during sex... then mention that you read in Cosmo that masturbating too much can make it hard to orgasm. Yep. You should definitely tell your boyfriend that you read about his masturbating problem in Cosmo and want to help. That won't be weird for him at all.
• Make Your Own Nude: Cut out your favorite hottie's head, and attach it to our model bod to create pure naked nirvana. Why go with their obvious choices, like Robert Pattinson or Brad Pitt?
  
  

Let's think outside the box:

Naked Mr. Feeny of Boy Meets World!

Naked Peter Griffin of Family Guy!

Naked Wild ARS Chase!

To discuss Golden Globes commentary, 2010

The Hollywood Foreign Press Association had its annual awards Sunday night, despite no one yet coming forth with a reason why foreign press are giving awards to Hollywood. I covered the Golden Globe awards in 2009, back when Kate Winslet was winning everything and forgetting Angelina Jolie's name.

Here are my observations from a night of watching the 2010 Golden Globe awards with Capricorn. Do not read if you haven't seen the list of winners (at bottom):

• Billy Butler is the homeless man's Ryan Seacrest, only the homeless man is also a talentless hack.
  
• A lavish award show seems kind of silly when you think about what's going on in Haiti, even though I'm sure we'll spend tonight hearing endless acceptance speeches about how it's an honor to win, but let's think about Haiti. Katrina was so five years ago. It's not like some of those people are still homeless or destitute or something.
  
• Already like Ricky Gervais ... except he stole all my jokes for the night. At least he didn't steal my Angelina Jol... ah, c'mon!
• I'll already say this: All the Glee nominees are going to annoy me, especially Lea Michele. As Toni Collette wins for Best Actress in a TV Comedy, I'm glad to see producers still haven't figured out how to arrange the tables so that winners have to play Frogger to get to the front.
  
• How can I get the job of walking the actresses up the steps to the stage? You spend the entire night holding the arm of beautiful women and getting on TV. Not a fun job: Mavis Spencer's presenter role, which evidently including standing around and looking clueless. The last time I saw a beautiful women look that unprepared and awkward stage, she was talking about "opposite marriage."
  
• The Princess and the Frog's animation looks like VHS in a Blu-ray world.
  
• Felicity Huffman can't remember her lines. At least she's not a professional actress.
  
• Time for Best Actor in a TV Drama. Michael C. Hall has a beanie. Jon Hamm has a beard. Bill Paxton has three wives. Hall wins, and the beanie is because he has Hodgkin's lymphoma. What's Hamm's beard excuse?
• January Jones wasn't nominated for her stint as an SNL host? But it went so well! "Who watches this #%&?" Capricorn wonders, as Anna Paquin is passed over for Juliana Margulies. Capricorn, now bitter that nobody we like is winning, has an idea. "We should have our own awards show. Only shows we watch are included. We don't get Showtime so none of them are nominated." According to this method, Jersey Shore and House Hunters would win a boatload.
  
• WTF, Harrison Ford? Heavy breathing. Awkward pacing. Weird glances. Bad jokes. Capricorn: "I feel like I'm going to get raped."
• "That was my beautiful girlfriend that I aspire to be like," Capricorn said after seeing a glimpse of Kate Winslet. Um, I think I just got dumped.
  
• It's to the point that Cher looks like a drag queen playing Cher.
• I imagine during commercial breaks there are all these famous actresses, like Kate Winslet and Helen Mirren, vying for a bathroom stall, and some random girl who snuck in, like Tara Reid, is hogging the toilet and trying not to get kicked out.
• Meryl Streep wins Best Actress in a Comedy, as Capricorn points out Sharon Stone, who said Meryl looks like "an unmade bed," wasn't winning any Golden Globes lately. Of course, Meryl's acceptance speech is three times as long as the Up guys, but you don't hear them bust out the "stop talking" music on her. I think that's against the unwritten rules.
  
• Side note: Capricorn has been singing "Cinema Italiano" from "Nine" over and over this entire time.
• Gerard Butler: "It's an honor for us to present this award together." Jennifer Aniston: "*pause*... Yep, it is." If that wasn't a one-night stand gone wrong awkwardness, I don't know what is ... District 9, which I loved, doesn't win Best Screenplay; Up in the Air wins. Capricorn says we better watch all of these random movies before the Oscars, as she remembers we were making fun of "Slumdog Millionaire" last year when it won. Good point. We better watch "The Ugly Truth."
  
• Steve Carell never wins for "The Office," even though he's nominated every year. Maybe that's why every time they call his name, he looks like he's going to cry.
  
• Cutting short the foreign language film director winner- that's ethnic intimidation, Golden Globe people.
  
• Big Love loses to Mad Men for best TV Series Drama. When will America start to embrace polygamy? ... Wait, they just did! Chloë Sevigny wins for Best Supporting Actress... I mean Chloi Sevigny, according to the graphic. Did she become a Japanese fish and not tell anyone? Or wasn't she satisfied with her umlaut?
  
• Martin Scorsese wins the Cecil B DeMille Award for his cameo appearance in Season 3 of Curb Your Enthusiasm. Oh, and for his movies. He thanks everyone for spending time and money "to preserve film." Was there some mass conspiracy to eliminate all movies that I missed? "Hey, it's the original copy of Wizard of Oz. Let's use it as a Frisbee."
• I was under the mistaken impression "The Hurt Locker" was about the time Slater punched a locker after he heard Preppy asked out Kelly to the prom first.
  
• I haven't seen "Avatar." I have no idea what it's about, except that the visuals are amazing and the storyline is mediocre. Which is the same thing you can say about porn. But, hey, James Cameron, good for you. Now you can afford a haircut and stop looking like the after-dinner entertainment for a luau.
  
• Glee beats out Capricorn's and my preference for Best Comedy, Modern Family (I would have been cool with Entourage, 30 Rock or The Office, too). Well, at least I won't have to endure #gleegotrobbed as a trending topic on Twitter all day Monday.
• Not going to be nominated next year: "When In Rome." Sorry, Kristen Bell.
• I hope Mike Tyson punches James Cameron in the face sometime tonight. Who wouldn't watch that? I'm very glad The Hangover won, but I think it's disgraceful they didn't invite the tiger on stage to accept the award.
  
• I think they should choose category winners by who will give good acceptance speeches. So, Sandra Bullock/Robert Downey Jr., yes, James Cameron/Drew Barrymore, no. Drunk Mickey Rourke gets a lifetime pass.
• Avatar wins the top honor of the night, as it should, considering it made enough money to save Haiti all on its own. (Hey, James Cameron wore a ribbon. Let's not go overboard with this charity stuff.) So nice of him to ask famous actors to applaud for themselves for entertaining people. Hey, with that in mind, how about all you bloggers give yourselves a big round of applause for entertaining each other. But don't actually applaud. Cause that's weird.
  

For your reference, here's the list of the 2010 Golden Globe winners:

Best Supporting Actress, Movie: Mo'Nique, Precious
Best Actress, TV Comedy Series/Miniseries: Toni Collette, United States of Tara
Best Supporting Actor, TV Series: John Lithgow, Dexter
Best Animated Feature: Up
Best Actor, TV Drama: Michael C Hall, Dexter
Best Actress, TV Drama: Juliana Margulies, The Good Wife
Best Original Song: "The Weary Kind", Crazy Heart
Best Original Score: Up
Best Mini-Series/TV Movie: Grey Gardens
Best Actress in a Movie Comedy: Meryl Streep, Julie and Julia
Best Actor, TV Miniseries or Movie: Kevin Bacon, Taking Chance
Best Actress, TV Miniseries or Movie: Drew Barrymore
Best Screenplay: Up In the Air writers
Best Actor, TV Comedy/Musical: Alec Baldwin, 30 Rock
Best Foreign Language Film: The White Ribbon
Best TV Series Drama: Mad Men
Best Supporting Actress, TV: Chloë Sevigny
Best Supporting Actor, Movie: Christoph Waltz, Inglorious Basterds
Cecil B. DeMille Award: Martin Scorsese
Best Director, Movie: James Cameron
Best TV Series, Comedy/Musical: Glee
Best Comedy/Musical Movie: The Hangover
Best Actress, Movie Drama: Sandra Bullock, The Blind Side
Best Actor, Movie Comedy: Robert Downey Jr., Sherlock Holmes
Best Actor, Movie Drama: Jeff Bridges, Crazy Heart
Best Movie, Drama: Avatar

To discuss a trip to the eye doctor, in which he got a feel for my eyeballs

I am blessed in my family to not have a genetic history of cancer or other terrible diseases.
There is a history, however, of Alzheimers, which either I don't have yet or I don't remember that I have it. The only thing I have to worry about in the immediate future is vision problems, as there's a history of glaucoma, astigmatisms and generally having the vision of Mr. Magoo. That makes annual trips to the eye doctor necessary.

I finally went today, after procrastinating for months (another New Year's resolution accomplished... I still have hire Miranda Kerr as my maid, however).

There's a reason people with perfectly good insurance put off going to the eye doctor or the dentist: You are paying other people to point out your inadequacies. Yes, thanks, I know I should floss more. How about I shove the spit sucker in your mouth and see how you like it?

At the eye doctor, you spend an hour hoping to correctly identify fuzzy letters, having things put in your eyes, and being generally reminded it's not safe for you to be around sharp objects and babies. Plus, they scrutinize your eyecare routine.

Question: "How often do you change your contacts?"
Answer: "Every two weeks."
Honest answer: "Crap, you're supposed to change them?"

The eye chart, in particular, is God's way of weeding out the weak, an optical survival of the fittest. You can't see from far away, zebra? Shebamzee! You just got eaten by a motherf***** tiger who snuck up on you. Next time you'll wear your contacts, won't you, silly zebra?

I fully believe opticians* secretly laugh at patients who are crazy far off on the eye chart guesses: "You think that's an O? That's a G! You're a loser and will never feel the touch of a woman!"
* I had optometrist here, but AmyXXOO, who is in this field, pointed out optician is the right word. She's so smart

Why not at least make the charts enjoyable to read?

(Answer: Boobies is a fun word to say, right?)

I am always a bit scared of this device, which makes me look like a mechanical Ewok.

After successfully completing a battery of tests -- everyone gets a body cavity search at the eye doctor, of course... *awkward pause* -- it was time to pick out new frames. I decided not to opt for the Disney Princess look, as I don't need 7-year-old girls being jealous of my Jasmine frames.

Instead, I went with the plastic frame trend. I figured there's still a good 2-3 weeks before that trend is over, so I still have time. I settled on a pair of Ted Baker dark brown frames with a light blue interior, a truly non-traditional choice that is either going to make me look awesome or make me the next selection on "What Not to Eyewear."

Hey, I wanted to make a bold choice. The glasses guy said too many people say they want to change things up, and then back off and go with the safe option. I'm a trendsetter! That's what I'll keep telling myself! Why am I using so many exclamation points!


If you have any eye doctor horror stories, please share...

To discuss a TV Play by Play: Teen Mom is trying to stay out of jail

There was such a good response to last week's Teen Mom TV play-by-play, I couldn't resist doing one for this week. This show is like crack. Sweet, sweet crack. Here we go:

:02 Poor Butch got a cut across the face from fighting with his wife. Or, in other words, Tyler's dad got in a fight with Tyler's step-mom, who is Catelynn's mom. When daddy and mommy fight, Tyler and Catelynn can't really choose sides.
:03 Farrah announced she's "taking a break from dating" so she can concentrate on being a mom. Show of hands: How many people believe this will last through the season? Through the episode? Through this sentence?
:04 Maci and Ryan win the award again, as always, for most awkward situations. This time, it's for getting relationship advice from both their parents at dinner ... P.S. I'm afraid Ryan is a mute. He doesn't seem to be able to form sentences.
:10 Kudos to Amber for going for her GED, for losing weight and for busting out her sad Asian face this episode.
:14 Ryan's dad wants him to be a truck driver? Perfect! He can chew tobacco, not talk to anyone, wear hats, not be around his baby, and avoid his girlfriend. That's like his dream scenario.
:15 This is the longest Butch has been out of jail. How is it possible Tyler is so well-adjusted? Well, other than impregnating his step-sister.
:20 I will not be a patron at the Sophia and Farrah restaurant. I'd be afraid Farrah will decide mid-meal that she would rather go on a date, and make her mom cook. And that the restaurant would be called "Mom, You're Such a Bitch!"
:21 A trucker can make $900 a week, be home on weekends and, most importantly, get to pull that string to blow their horn?! I'm in the wrong profession ... that sounds great! Shebamzee! Oh wait... Ryan hates the idea. "Would you sacrifice for him?" the guy asks. "Yes," Ryan says. "Then what's the problem?" That's a very good question. My guess is he's worried they'll force him to speak two-plus syllable sentences on the CB radio.
:28 I hope this series is on long enough so that the babies are old enough to talk. I'd love to here Baby Bentley or Baby Sophia talk about life with their parents. "Get meez outta here!" "Deez people r crazzee!" (For some reason, I imagine them with crazy Russian accents)
:29 Catelynn and Tyler's baby's name is Carly, so step forward whoever won the betting pool on that one. I had $10 on "Butcharina"
:31 Amber doesn't want her kid in daycare. Yep, cause that's what would mess Leah up in her life. But Amber is going to do it anyway, since she's out of options. I have a feeling Leah would appreciate just being left alone in the house with a bottle of Courvoisier and film footage of Carly at home with her adopted parents. "What could have been, what could have been," Carly would say. Oops, I mean, "What cood huz bin..."
:38 Farrah has Sophia attached to her like a homeless, hungover kangaroo.
:40 Maci meets with her relationship counselor on her own. The counselor says Maci should think of one nice thing to do for Ryan. She should buy him a trucker hat!
:44 Leah is already flirting with another boy at daycare. Watch out, Leah. That's how Mommy got in trouble.
:51 Chances Butch will stay out of jail before the season ends = Chances Ryan will become the national poet laureate
:54 Amber, I would not leave my baby with the girl with half-cornrows. She looks like she just got out of the slammer and is somebody's bitch.
:55 Ryan's smiling? Ryan's saying complete sentences? Who is that kid? Give me back old Ryan! He was comedy gold!

To discuss a Weekend Update: Open letter edition

Dear Food Network:
It is patently unfair for you, at 1 a.m., to play an episode of Diners, Drive-ins and Dives about the best places to get Southern barbecue, when you know I can't do anything at that late hour to make said barbecue appear before my very eyes. Next time, why don't you just dangle adoption papers in front of one of Sarah McLachlan's abused puppies?

Dear state liquor store owner:
If you're trying to drum up business, perhaps you shouldn't play the Christian praise and worship song, "I Can Only Imagine," on the overhead speakers whilst people try to decide how to get drunk. I know Jesus drank wine, but I doubt he drank rum.

Dear Chili's:
I would like to congratulate you on your honey chipotle chicken tenders. My titillated tongue had so many orgasms that my teeth asked if it was faking them.

Dear bloggers:
I had a hunch there were lots of you who had taken a blogging hiatus in 2009, which is why I set up my last post to help you get the word out about your return (it's been constantly updated with all of your news). I just didn't realize my hunch was so right on ... wow. Thanks for all the updates, and thanks to those bloggers (see, KAT?) who made it through all of 2009 with nary a break. You will be rewarded in heaven with 72 virgins or 72 virgin daiquiris, depending on your preference.

Dear Capricorn:
You successfully became the first person ever to get me to drink that much in one sitting. What's more, the neighbors likely enjoyed me trying to drunk walk the dogs. I consider it an all-around success. The only thing we failed at was making MTV "True Life" into a drinking game; "House Hunters" would have been much easier. "Jersey Shore" would have resulted in alcohol poisoning for all involved. P.S. Love you

Dear Kohl's:
I don't know how to say this. I've never done this before, and my confession will likely land me in the slammer. Here goes. *deep breath* For some reason, you had a perfectly fine $120 cashmere red sweater on sale for $17. I couldn't resist, and I bought it. I basically stole that sweater from you. Please don't hold it against me.

Dear Andrew from the "Real World: DC":
Stop trying to sleep with every female cast member. And tell Ashley that Mike is gay, so she should stop trying to be with him. She has the wrong parts. Unless she will reveal next episode she's transgendered, but c'mon, this is Real World, stuff like that nev ... Hmm ... On second thought, Andrew, hold on to that last request.

To discuss updating me on your Situation. But not The Situation. Your blog situation.

One of my unofficial resolutions* has been to get back to semi-regular blog commenting, something that I sorely lacked in the latter half of 2009.

* By not making it official, I don't feel guilty when I fail. Other unofficial resolutions: Working out more; submitting story ideas to magazines; putting money aside in savings; getting cast in the next season of Jersey Shore by virtue of my audition tape full of Italian stereotypes, up to and including eating a big plate of lasagna like a human Garfield.

But as I got back into commenting, I noticed many of you have:
A) Stopped blogging forever
B) Stopped blogging for several weeks/months, and are now writing again
C) Completely changed your Web site design
D) Changed your blog to a new address/name

While there are cool things like 20-somethings Bloggers to help keep us up to date on what everyone's doing, I think most of us get overwhelmed with it all and fall into a lapse of not blog reading/writing, and then completely miss all the changes going on.

So, to help out, I'd like to invite anyone who has done B, C, or D (A people, it was nice knowing you) at some point in 2009 to comment and let everyone know what's been going on, so that we can check it out.

New web site - what's the address?
Resumed blogging and want people to start coming back?
Just started blogging and are looking for people to come by?
Filming a soft core porn movie and are camera shy?

I'll keep checking the comments and start adding to the post as people (hopefully) tell me what's going on. I gotta update my link roll, anyway, as it's as out of date as a "Saved by the Bell" reference. Time out!

Let me give you a few to get you started:
Hautepocket, who at one point rocked my world with a co-Q&A feature, is now at karlieanne.wordpress.com
LBluca77 moved on over to So ... This Is My Gig.
One of my favorite overseas bloggers, Miss Smidge, moved to a new site.

Updated from comments:

• Cavy will have a new design on her soon-to-be self-hosted site, caviandra.com in a few weeks, so check back on that soon.
• Fellow SBTB lover StealthNerd (who got married in '09!) took a five-month break from blogging, but is back in action at shenaniganist.wordpress.com. And, to be a true overachiever, she also started another blog, streetcake.wordpress.com
• One of blogging's best commenters, Heather, took some time off from blogging, but said she's back in action.
• Just as a mention, I started a reality show blog in 2009, Real Blogger of York County - it's more P.C. than this blog, since it's for my newspaper, but I do interviews with reality stars and more.
• Herding Cats updated her site, which today featured her plan for 2010. I can't even figure out my plan for today.
• Dominique is a new blogger.
• Jurgen Nation started blogging again, and also resurrected a art/literary submission site (not to be confused with a sexual submission site. That involves whips, you know), indieink.org
• Libby, who was an "on and off" blogger in '09, is back in '10. Jess says she's back, too, although she says she's taking it "one day at a time," which is what you say to a guy that is good in the sack but has no personality.
• FunnyGal KAT is wondering why she gets no love for being consistent. OK, fine, we love you.
• Jen Tsk is back in action at Confessions of a Secret Keeper. I hope her secret wasn't that she's back in action, or I just ruined it.
• P has been blogging all the time, but wondering why people with private blogs haven't invited her to read. Help her out by sending an invitation to pollypoptart79@yahoo.co.uk
• AmyXXOO had to stop blogging for a bit in December, but give her a break, she had a baby. That was my excuse, too.
• MinD is hoping to start blogging regularly again at A MinD in MoTown. I suggest she try that yogurt Jamie Lee Curtis always is trying to sell.
• Jenners, whose blog popularity seemed to soar in 2009 at mrsfligs.blogspot.com, is trying out a new blog commenting system. Go try it out, and by that I mean, go comment.
• Sam I Am, one of the few bloggers who knows me in real life, wants to return to blogging soon; she got married last year, so cut her some slack.
• Clairebear decided to get rid of her much-abridged blog address, grlshakeswrld.wordpress.com, and move to girlshakesworld.com
• Kimmers swears she's back to blogging now. Make her uphold that promise at kimmersforlife.typepad.com
  
• Expect regular posts again at Harmful if Swallowed, says Emmeline.
• Elisse, who just wrapped up a whirlwind decade, is back to blogging, too, now at Hip Deep in Pie (which sounds delicious).
  

If you help me with this, a baby Jesus gets its wings.

P.S. As part of my re-entry to Blog Land, I came across Joshlos' amazing post on a girl we evidently both appreciate. Our secret is out. Might as well admit it.

To discuss a TV Play by Play: Teen Mom

You (never) asked for it! It's the TV Play by Play series, with a special post about MTV's "Teen Mom." Please tell me you've watched this show. Please. If you haven't, here's my recap of the show that started it, "16 and Pregnant."
Get ready, get set, make bad decisions. It's time to be a Teen Mom. If you hear crying on the way, don't worry. That's just your child born out of wedlock and the tears of remorse.

:02 Maci, Ryan and Maserati or Volkswagon or Bentley or whatever the kid's name is are getting a family photo. "We're not in prison here," the photographer says, as Ryan tries to telepathically tell the dude that yes, in fact, this is his prison and he is serving a lifetime daddy sentence.

:03 Amber's face looks Asian when she's in pain, when she's crying, when she's angry, when she's tired. Essentially, she's emotionally Japanese.

:04 Does Farrah not realize how good she has it? She gets to live at home, have barely any expenses, a live-in babysitter and her biggest problem is a guy named Shaq. I wish I made that last part up.

:05 The votes (of my girlfriend and I) are in: Catelynn (and Tyler) win best couple, Farrah is dumbest/sluttiest*, Maci (and Ryan) are the saddest, Amber is the funniest (although she doesn't realize it).
* If Farrah isn't 18 yet and I called her slutty, I apologize. In that case, I'll call her "ever so slightly a bit of a whore."

:09 Ryan and Maci are the most depressing couple to watch. Ryan has all the facial expression of Heidi Montag, and all the charm of Spencer Pratt ... Ryan has been moping around since he lost his job. But, in all honesty, Ryan would mope if they canceled his favorite TV show ... which is probably "Cops."

:11 Capricorn on the Catelynn/Tyler step-sister/step-brother situation: "It's Cruel Intentions!" Why didn't I think of that? I just hope Catelynn doesn't tell Tyler he can stick it anywhere.

:13 "Nobody cares to hear what you have to say," Farrah tells her dad, who happens to be paying for her kid's food and shelter. Way to rape a gift horse in the butt (or something to that effect). She's really upset her parents don't love her going out every night, and let her be a "normal teenager." C'mon, Farrah's mom. It's not like she's made bad decisions and got pregnant before! P.S. Alexander, Farrah's date, must be 30. But at least he had the sense to tell her it's not cool she never hangs out with her baby. P.S.S. I've seen Farrah and Sophia together about 10 percent of the time. You'd be more likely to see Tiger Woods give Charlie Sheen marriage counseling.

:21 Gary and Amber are the best worst couple ever. They have no idea how to be in a relationship, and argue all the time. It's adorable. Amber slaps Gary. Gary calls Amber lazy. Amber cries. Gary buys a Playstation. It's fantastic.

:26 Times Ryan has smiled so far this season = Times Gary has been right in any argument

:27 Gary has moved from buying her an engagement ring at Wal-mart, to buying her a take home Cracker Barrel meatloaf meal. I can't say this is his worst strategy. I want to, but I know it will work.

:29 Let's be honest. This Sheena girl, the college student who gave a kid up for adoption, is vying for a spot on Teen Mom Season 2, with all her adopted mom therapy talk. Shrewd move.

:34 Gary is manning up. I'll give him that. I'm pulling for Gary and Amber to work things out; if Jennifer and Brad Jennifer and Vince Jennifer and John Jennifer and bitter loneliness can make it... er, best of luck! Confession: Part of my support is because I can't wait to see what "nice thing" Gary does for her next. I hope it involves K-Mart and 7-11. I kind of hope he's on the next season of The Bachelor.

:38 Farrah got home at 3 a.m.? On a night the guy didn't even like her? Now she wants to go out again, and her parents aren't having it. Excuse me, "Michael" doesn't get it. I forgot Farrah calls her dad that. Actually, she said "Michael, shut the &#%$ up." If I said that to my parents, I would be castrated on the spot. Saying the Lord's name in vein cost me a testicle.

:46 Baby Bentley* cries. Unemployed Ryan tells Maci, who worked all night, to take care of the baby, and to stop being lazy, and then he walks out. Other than that, his Dad of the Year nomination is still right in line.
* Not the name of a rapper.

:50 Capricorn to my future as a father: "You'd have the baby and go, 'You want to be on a blog, little baby?' You should not be a father anytime soon. You'd leave the door open and the baby would crawl out." The truth hurts.

:53 Ryan is the worst dad this side of K-Fed. It needed to be said. He's not even a dead-beat dad, because he sticks around and yet doesn't offer anything to the relationship or in support. He's an alive-beat dad. During relationship counseling, he's told to hug his cute fiance more (torture!). She's told not to expect he knows what she wants (what a revelation!). Baby Bentley is told to ask Catelynn and Tyler to adopt him, as clearly they are the most mature people on this show.

:55 So it was an episode about mended relationships... which will all be broken next episode. I mean, Gary and Ryan are involved.